This is the last time I'm going to contact you. I just wanted to let you know how I resent what you just did. I was not deeply in love with you or anything, but I thought that making these plans and then canceling at the last minute with a text message - with a sad face, no less - was incredibly fickle, disrespectful, and rude.
But, on a deeper note, I'm put off by how you're not really giving me a chance. No, I am not the most polished, smooth talker in the world, and maybe that's what you want - someone who will charm you and keep you at arm's length and play games with you and treat you like shit. I don't think it is a problem specific to you. Many American women have this problem. But if you had given me a chance you'd be surprised at what you'd find and what'd you'd feel. Trust me. But you couldn't even do that.
I'll tell you something. The perfect man is never going to come around. He doesn't exist. And you know what? If you're looking for someone like me, but a little more this and a little more that, don't hold your breath. People like me aren't that common either. I am so fucking sick of women's pickiness.
I'm doing this more to speak my mind, not to beg you to give me a second look. Do not worry, by doing this you've firmly placed yourself in the category of women I don't want. And don't bother writing me back a note saying "you're a great guy, you're wonderful, I'm sure you'll find ..." You don't mean it. Think of this as me doing you a favor. You only have so many chances in life.
One thing you must know, my friend is an amazing person. She is smart, beautiful, and hilarious. She is the most wonderfully accepting and non-judgmental person I know. She gave this guy 3 dates and was lined up to give him another chance, hoping that with time and energy she would develop feelings for him beyond friendship. She was willing to see him again despite her gut feeling because, basically, she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ultimately, she chose to be honest rather than give him false hope, which I found an admirable and difficult decision.
I'm sure you're all reacting to the above message the same way I did. I probably don't need to point out all the awful things or how out of line he was. I just want to say that for someone who was so quick to call my friend rude and disrespectful for canceling on him last minute, he sure was eager to surpass her with those ignorant criticisms and accusations. And how did my friend respond?
For the last minute rude cancellation I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I was in fact feeling fickle so as not to lead you on. I go by getting a feeling about someone and I don't know the protocol for giving someone a chance, we had 3 dates and I was still mostly feeling friendship. I have a lot of walls up and I am more comfortable being on my own unless absolutely moved by someone. In no way do I mean to condescend to you, I think it is my loss- but I feel strongly about how feelings develop for someone. I'm sorry if my text message was lame, I did not know you would find a sad face so reprehensible. You are right, many women are picky and fickle as are many men. I think if it's the right match it will just work, or at least that's what I'm banking on. You are a good talker and that's what I like about you, but I felt like I had given it a chance. I don't know what the right thing to do is or how to do it, it's not a conspiracy, and I am unhappy this ended on such a sour note. I'm not a bitch, I just have dreams of romantic grandeur- so sue me. Maybe I won't meet someone, maybe I need to give people more of a "chance", but for right now I cannot go against what I feel is right. Take Care.
She wrote back with such grace and respect. What a woman. She doesn't deserve this shit.
4 comments:
How was he being unreasonable? Regardless of how amazing or intelligent she is, she still did a shitty thing and he let her know. Texting anything more complicated than dinner plans, especially to someone you don't know very well, is horribly childish and rude. After three dates, why would she feel anything more than friendship? That would be strange and perhaps warrant a phone/textual intervention. How would your "amazing" friend feel if he ditched her, even though (like this guy) the feeling was mutual?
As a woman, I too have made all sorts of early judgments about men I would date, and shut them down before I felt obligated to do something more/date number 4. But if you sit down and really spend time thinking about why you're not attracted to him, you'd probably find it's just some stupid, snap-decision rejection that makes absolutely no sense outside your own head. I recently read Norah Vincent's "Self Made Man", and the chapter on dating will change your life. No matter how enlightened/above emotion bullshit you think you are, I guarantee there's something in that book that is awful you do to men.
I see your point, Violet, and I appreciate your opinion. Ideally, she shouldn't haven't cancelled by text for obvious reasons. However, I've been on enough "getting to know you" dates to appreciate when someone can say "I just don't see you that way. Maybe this date tonight isn't a good idea". I would prefer that to my date just not showing up and/or never calling me back.
You think that her not feeling anything more than friendship on the fourth date is normal? I don't agree with you at all. I wouldn't expect her to be dreaming of their future relationship. I would hope that by the fourth date she wasn't thinking "Don't kiss me. Don't touch me".
I have found my gut instincts about guys are most often right. I may try to "develop" feelings for a man by spending time with him, but I've never been successful at it. I think there's a certain aspect of attraction that is either present or absent. Feeling a spark or chemisty or whatever you want to call it is inexplicable to me. I don't know how to find it in someone but when it's missing I can tell. I would trust my friend to understand herself in a similar way.
Furthermore, no matter how awful my friend was by cancelling on her date, I can't get past the reaction it spurred. She is amazing. Yes, I'm biased so I will support her over a man I don't know. However, I don't see how it was appropriate for her date to reply with such venom. So she was rude? He was ruder! Would you disagree with me on that? He wasn't looking for explanation and he didn't pass it off and move on, he attacked her and stereotyped her.
I'll be sure to look into the book you mentioned, "Self Made Man". Thank you for the suggestion and your comment. I hope to hear more of your responses in the future.
I am stating the obvious here but I cannot get past the canceling by text, either. Regardless of their previous forms of communication and no matter how wonderful your friend is, I think she took the easy way out.
Based on the irate response, was she canceling right before their meeting? I understand the morning of but a couple of hours before may be testing it. However, your friend's action does not deserve such outrage and the guy was most likely lashing out after being the dumpee too many times.
I have used the avoidance text myself in other situations and I felt like a jerk after. Maybe she, as I, realized that she will never be seeing the guy again and in the future it would be best to end things on a more personal (albeit difficult) note.
Regardless, I agree with following your gut. If you are really in tune with yourself, you just know when you're not going to act on something you said yes to (you probably did it out of kindness but it proves to only hurt others in the end), or that it's not going to go any further than four dates. Sometimes it is just better to get it over with as soon as you honestly feel like it's not going to happen. Judging by the extreme response, though, I would think that this guy would be incensed either way.
I think you're right, Loren. She did take the easy way out, and it wasn't the best course of action if she wasn't feeling it with this guy. She was worried about the date for awhile, had already let him take some liberties and was perhaps regretting it. It was a bad move to cancel by text, but i've experienced it and I didn't retaliate the same way. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and action of course, I was just feeling defensive for a friend whom I know has been through rough situations herself. I know she was considering his feelings along with her own. I think she was between a rock and hard place on this one, and she put her own comfort above that of her date. Bah. Let's move on to brighter thoughts.
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