We all go through the same shit, don't we.
Photo from PostSecret.com
Monday, November 28
Monday, November 21
Thoughts on my Recovery
There's still that feeling someone punched me in the chest, but only occasionally.
Saturday, November 19
Sunday, November 13
Friday, November 11
Going Backwards
Love is pretty f-ing powerful. I have spent three months recovering from an injury to that metaphorical organ. I have spent three months trying to get over someone I was only with for three months. Even when I thought I was making progress I would get hit with such overwhelming feelings of longing, of really missing him. I know loneliness is a tricky bastard, too. You can miss just about anyone if you have no one.
I was following a fool proof plan: Avoid the ex-boyfriend, recover my ego, make new connections, wait for the heartbreak to end and/or fall in love again. I found a man who was everything I had been looking for. Really--everything. Shall I list his qualities? Attractive, mannish, fun, enamored with me, same sense of humor, same taste in music, same taste in food, good taste in clothing, liked being outdoors, grew facial hair well, said my name all the time, remembered EVERYTHING, gave me tiny gifts to show how he cared, made plans with me, took me on thoughtful dates, respectful of my space and pace, loved kale as much as me... And it turned out that about a month into being showered with perfection, I realized I wasn't all that into him.
Now maybe that's because it was too soon after a break-up or maybe I was overwhelmed by his affection towards me or maybe his being shorter than me is a real problem (can you date shorter guys?). My ending with the kale-noshing-mountain-man coincided with the visit from my beloved father, and que the real twist. As soon as I had my dad around, I started missing my ex with a fierocity I wasn't prepared for. Background: My dad and I have always been very close. When I was living on the east coast, we talked every day--about everything. He was my biggest supporter when it came to my move west and he's been my go-to guy for just about every problem that's not man related (mom usually gets the role of love adviser).
Now six months later, I'm in the presence of my father, showing him my new world and all the people in it and my thoughts are consumed by my ex holding me. It's like there's a video clip looping behind my eye lids: Walking into his apartment, him holding his arms out to me, my arms lacing around his neck, putting my face into shoulder... The video looped for my dad's entire visit. Maybe it was a male presence in my Colorado life that I was missing or maybe my dad reminded me of my first boyfriend.
My heart was fighting my head. I am not a fighter. I am a lover. I broke down. I saw my ex after my dad left. Driving home from the airport, crying the whole way, I called him. I saw him. It was better than I could even imagine.
What does it mean for us? What do I want? Is he good enough for me? Will I ever get over him? Will I have to? Will I be happy with him? So many questions, and no answers. Loving someone makes me feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be used, to make stupid decisions, to put myself through unnecessary heartache... I'm afraid I will just because I'm in love with him.
We shall see what unfolds in the coming days and weeks. I am guarded. I've changed. He's changed. There's a whole lot of shit that I need to tell him. I've decided that for now, I'm not fighting my heart. Love sets you free, right?
I was following a fool proof plan: Avoid the ex-boyfriend, recover my ego, make new connections, wait for the heartbreak to end and/or fall in love again. I found a man who was everything I had been looking for. Really--everything. Shall I list his qualities? Attractive, mannish, fun, enamored with me, same sense of humor, same taste in music, same taste in food, good taste in clothing, liked being outdoors, grew facial hair well, said my name all the time, remembered EVERYTHING, gave me tiny gifts to show how he cared, made plans with me, took me on thoughtful dates, respectful of my space and pace, loved kale as much as me... And it turned out that about a month into being showered with perfection, I realized I wasn't all that into him.
Now maybe that's because it was too soon after a break-up or maybe I was overwhelmed by his affection towards me or maybe his being shorter than me is a real problem (can you date shorter guys?). My ending with the kale-noshing-mountain-man coincided with the visit from my beloved father, and que the real twist. As soon as I had my dad around, I started missing my ex with a fierocity I wasn't prepared for. Background: My dad and I have always been very close. When I was living on the east coast, we talked every day--about everything. He was my biggest supporter when it came to my move west and he's been my go-to guy for just about every problem that's not man related (mom usually gets the role of love adviser).
Now six months later, I'm in the presence of my father, showing him my new world and all the people in it and my thoughts are consumed by my ex holding me. It's like there's a video clip looping behind my eye lids: Walking into his apartment, him holding his arms out to me, my arms lacing around his neck, putting my face into shoulder... The video looped for my dad's entire visit. Maybe it was a male presence in my Colorado life that I was missing or maybe my dad reminded me of my first boyfriend.
My heart was fighting my head. I am not a fighter. I am a lover. I broke down. I saw my ex after my dad left. Driving home from the airport, crying the whole way, I called him. I saw him. It was better than I could even imagine.
What does it mean for us? What do I want? Is he good enough for me? Will I ever get over him? Will I have to? Will I be happy with him? So many questions, and no answers. Loving someone makes me feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be used, to make stupid decisions, to put myself through unnecessary heartache... I'm afraid I will just because I'm in love with him.
We shall see what unfolds in the coming days and weeks. I am guarded. I've changed. He's changed. There's a whole lot of shit that I need to tell him. I've decided that for now, I'm not fighting my heart. Love sets you free, right?
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