I haven't moved past it yet. I have found happiness in my own life, being single. Yet, I miss him. I do. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. How is that possible? How can I be happy when I also wish we could be together?
I can't be over him if I still wish we were together. I don't understand how this works. He wasn't the right one for me. OK. Right? We broke up and there's a reason we broke up. God damn, do I wish we hadn't. I loved him so much. And maybe it was loving him that made me feel so happy. Maybe that would've ended. Something better will come to me, yes. I am happy in my life. So happy. I was walking with my dog last night, just goofily smiling and feeling love shining through me and from me and around me.
What the fuck is going on?
How am I happy and at the same time feel so sad glancing at a picture of him? I want to talk to him but I shouldn't. Why did he leave me and why do I miss him and will I be over this and why do I wish I could be with him again and why do I wonder if he misses me still? Does he feel the same way? Did he stop thinking about me? Does he ever want me back? Did he love me like I loved him? Will I always love him or will this fade one day? Will I love someone else the way I loved him?
I have control now. I didn't have that when I was head over heels for him. I'm glowing in a different way now. Life is good. And I miss him. Love is an incredibly powerful thing. He made me better person, or at least loving him has.
You have changed me, Peter.
Sunday, June 23
Friday, June 21
Another One Down
Um, I don't think I care if I see Bad-Kiss-Date again. If I do, great! If I don't, ... great!
Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe something's missing. Maybe all these 180s are making me tired. Maybe I can't get that face assault out of my head. Maybe I'm embarrassed. Maybe I like being single. Maybe I wanted him to be the one badly enough that ... it didn't ... work? Maybe it seemed logical to like him but I didn't realize how I was feeling. Maybe I'm talking myself out of it because I don't think he's going to call me again.
One guy closer to the right one?
Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe something's missing. Maybe all these 180s are making me tired. Maybe I can't get that face assault out of my head. Maybe I'm embarrassed. Maybe I like being single. Maybe I wanted him to be the one badly enough that ... it didn't ... work? Maybe it seemed logical to like him but I didn't realize how I was feeling. Maybe I'm talking myself out of it because I don't think he's going to call me again.
One guy closer to the right one?
Wednesday, June 19
Don't Get Me Wrong
I do still miss him.
I miss being with someone I loved so much. I miss being happy just seeing someone's face or hearing someone's name. Being in love is really nice.
I miss being with someone I loved so much. I miss being happy just seeing someone's face or hearing someone's name. Being in love is really nice.
Because My Love Life Is That Ridiculous
Here I was thinking this guy could NOT kiss me. That he was so nervous he fumbled it up or that he'd never figured out how to do it right or that when he liked a girl he got so horny and eager that he turned into a 14 year old boy: all hands and tongue. The image of his head careening towards my face as I turned away from the door haunted me Saturday night. I couldn't sleep. I pictured him bounding away goofily, yelling to me how he'd take me out again soon. Oh god, and he made this little weird moaning sound in the middle of the whole thing. And at the end he hugged me, then squeezed me then picked me up!
I was anxious all yesterday imagining the scenarios of his picking me up for dinner last night. Would he come up to the door and immediately move in for another life resuscitation? Would I awkwardly put my hand between our faces and too quickly yell, No! Would we sit painfully through a dinner as I came to the sad conclusion that I was in fact not attracted to him? I could just taste the guilt as I ended up having to explain to him that I couldn't date someone I had such bad mouth chemistry with. How to tell a guy that I hated his kissing? That I was totally turned-off by just that? Oh, the planning in my head all day Sunday and Monday. I wanted to ready myself. And I just couldn't picture the positive: that maybe he would immediately say sorry for how awkward it was and that he wouldn't kiss me like that again. That he had invaded my space and felt like an idiot and wished only that I'd allow him another opportunity to show what he could do.
Well, shit. I brought it up at the very end of the date, after he gallantly paid the check. Do you want to know what he had to say?
He thought I was the kiss botcher. He had been going in for a sweet and simple little goodnight peck on the mouth and was astounded when I tried twisting it into a weird teeth-nashing french. That's why he moaned--in surprise. That's probably while he pulled his face away and squeezed me--just to keep my mouth away from his. We agreed it was horrible, terrible, awful, never to be repeated in the history of kissing. We laughed and I twisted uncomfortably in my seat out of embarrassment, happily mind you. We both felt leagues better getting the whole thing out in the open. As he said, it hung over us the whole date. And he had the same exact thoughts as me except where I was ready to throw in the towel he was not.
"You still liked me after that awful kiss?"
"I thought it was something we could work on."
I was anxious all yesterday imagining the scenarios of his picking me up for dinner last night. Would he come up to the door and immediately move in for another life resuscitation? Would I awkwardly put my hand between our faces and too quickly yell, No! Would we sit painfully through a dinner as I came to the sad conclusion that I was in fact not attracted to him? I could just taste the guilt as I ended up having to explain to him that I couldn't date someone I had such bad mouth chemistry with. How to tell a guy that I hated his kissing? That I was totally turned-off by just that? Oh, the planning in my head all day Sunday and Monday. I wanted to ready myself. And I just couldn't picture the positive: that maybe he would immediately say sorry for how awkward it was and that he wouldn't kiss me like that again. That he had invaded my space and felt like an idiot and wished only that I'd allow him another opportunity to show what he could do.
Well, shit. I brought it up at the very end of the date, after he gallantly paid the check. Do you want to know what he had to say?
He thought I was the kiss botcher. He had been going in for a sweet and simple little goodnight peck on the mouth and was astounded when I tried twisting it into a weird teeth-nashing french. That's why he moaned--in surprise. That's probably while he pulled his face away and squeezed me--just to keep my mouth away from his. We agreed it was horrible, terrible, awful, never to be repeated in the history of kissing. We laughed and I twisted uncomfortably in my seat out of embarrassment, happily mind you. We both felt leagues better getting the whole thing out in the open. As he said, it hung over us the whole date. And he had the same exact thoughts as me except where I was ready to throw in the towel he was not.
"You still liked me after that awful kiss?"
"I thought it was something we could work on."
Sunday, June 16
Ten Seconds Of Hell Can Ruin A Night
We had a great time at the concert. It was nice just sitting near him. I put my hand into the crook of his arm later in the evening and he eagerly embraced it. Very eagerly. He petted my hand and my arm the rest of the night. He drove the long way home, which was romantic. He's a big, sturdy guy and I feel slight and protected with him.
The problem: he kissed me and it wasn't good. Standing at my door, I let my dog out and turned back to face him. I looked up for his eyes and without much eye contact at all his face was in mine, his mouth finding my mouth, teeth hitting, lips doing who knows what. His hands came up to my face, I guess as we were both trying to slow it down. And then he tried opening our mouths wider to french me. Whoa, Nelly. And it gets better.
I brought it back to a closed-mouther and then pulled back. I said, "Thanks..." and then realized maybe it sounded like I was awkwardly thanking him for such an invasive procedure so I added "for taking me out! It was fun" With that, hee took me in his arms further and squeezed a hug out of me--really squeezed. He then sort of lifted me off my feet for a second--I squeaked.
He came back to my mouth a moment later for one final closed-lips kiss. I don't know what my face was doing at that point. I was in shock.
What was happening? Was this perfect guy a bad kisser? I'm not dating a bad kisser. Was he just nervous? How can someone kiss like that? That was nuts! And I glanced at him again as he ambled/stumbled/bumbled happily away. I said "See ya later" in my sexy cat voice, as he awkwardly but excitedly declared how he would take me out again soon.
Looking back on the limited experience I having with kissing new fellas, it seems to me that the first kiss is always the worst of a relationship. Awkward for sure. I admire his vigor and at the very least he's crazy into me, which is probably good. I was worked up last night--pondering whether all of his explosive action would fade when he got bored. Or if this was a bad sign. Or if maybe I wasn't ready to be with someone new if I thought about missing nice kissing. Or if really he was just so nervous and excited that it was all a fluke and the nice time would be better. Or if maybe he was bad at sex. Or maybe we just don't have chemistry.
Let's look to some thoughts provided by close friends:
- Boys get really excited and nervous. It'll get better. He'll get more confident.
- I dated a guy for a little while once who ended up being a bad kisser. I had to break up with him.
- My first few kisses with my girlfriend were pretty awkward but now they're amazing. Give him another chance. He sounds like a great guy.
This whole kissing moment ruined things, if I'm allowed to be grandiose here. Everything else about the night with him was sort of lovely and romantic and even maybe a little magical. I don't take well to guys pushing themselves on me, and the thing is I don't think this guy was trying to push himself on me. I think he was excited. I think he was nervous. But what do I know, really. I do assume the best in people. The bottom line is I didn't like this surprise. It was so much different than I imagine! I was imagining us kissing the whole evening and you want to know what I was imagining? Him coming around to my door and looking right into my eyes. Me putting my hands up to his face, getting closer, maybe pushing his nose right up next to mine before we touched our lips. A sweet kiss where he would falter before another. This kiss of his was so boyish and eager and weird. He made this little moaning sound when he got a hold of my upper lip. Aack! Not attractive! Weird! Turn off!
Please, please, please. Good kissing is important. Let's hope the next time goes better.
The problem: he kissed me and it wasn't good. Standing at my door, I let my dog out and turned back to face him. I looked up for his eyes and without much eye contact at all his face was in mine, his mouth finding my mouth, teeth hitting, lips doing who knows what. His hands came up to my face, I guess as we were both trying to slow it down. And then he tried opening our mouths wider to french me. Whoa, Nelly. And it gets better.
I brought it back to a closed-mouther and then pulled back. I said, "Thanks..." and then realized maybe it sounded like I was awkwardly thanking him for such an invasive procedure so I added "for taking me out! It was fun" With that, hee took me in his arms further and squeezed a hug out of me--really squeezed. He then sort of lifted me off my feet for a second--I squeaked.
He came back to my mouth a moment later for one final closed-lips kiss. I don't know what my face was doing at that point. I was in shock.
What was happening? Was this perfect guy a bad kisser? I'm not dating a bad kisser. Was he just nervous? How can someone kiss like that? That was nuts! And I glanced at him again as he ambled/stumbled/bumbled happily away. I said "See ya later" in my sexy cat voice, as he awkwardly but excitedly declared how he would take me out again soon.
Looking back on the limited experience I having with kissing new fellas, it seems to me that the first kiss is always the worst of a relationship. Awkward for sure. I admire his vigor and at the very least he's crazy into me, which is probably good. I was worked up last night--pondering whether all of his explosive action would fade when he got bored. Or if this was a bad sign. Or if maybe I wasn't ready to be with someone new if I thought about missing nice kissing. Or if really he was just so nervous and excited that it was all a fluke and the nice time would be better. Or if maybe he was bad at sex. Or maybe we just don't have chemistry.
Let's look to some thoughts provided by close friends:
- Boys get really excited and nervous. It'll get better. He'll get more confident.
- I dated a guy for a little while once who ended up being a bad kisser. I had to break up with him.
- My first few kisses with my girlfriend were pretty awkward but now they're amazing. Give him another chance. He sounds like a great guy.
This whole kissing moment ruined things, if I'm allowed to be grandiose here. Everything else about the night with him was sort of lovely and romantic and even maybe a little magical. I don't take well to guys pushing themselves on me, and the thing is I don't think this guy was trying to push himself on me. I think he was excited. I think he was nervous. But what do I know, really. I do assume the best in people. The bottom line is I didn't like this surprise. It was so much different than I imagine! I was imagining us kissing the whole evening and you want to know what I was imagining? Him coming around to my door and looking right into my eyes. Me putting my hands up to his face, getting closer, maybe pushing his nose right up next to mine before we touched our lips. A sweet kiss where he would falter before another. This kiss of his was so boyish and eager and weird. He made this little moaning sound when he got a hold of my upper lip. Aack! Not attractive! Weird! Turn off!
Please, please, please. Good kissing is important. Let's hope the next time goes better.
Saturday, June 15
Third Date Nerves
My brain is doing weird things.
I've got this guy that I'm starting to date. I like him. I know that I like him when I'm around him because I'm enjoying myself. As soon as I'm around him, my body wants to touch him. I don't even think about it, I just want to be near him. After we part, I'm smiling big and bright. I'm glowing. I am excited.
A few days go by of fine-ness. I'm generally excited about having another date. I can gush about him to people who haven't heard. I imagine what will happen next, have trouble sleeping at night because of it. Then it comes down to the time before I see him again and I get nervous. I'm nervous now before our third date. I'm afraid I may not like him. What if I see him and realize I actually don't like him?
Is this a fear of rebounding? I don't know him. I went from being with someone I KNOW, being comfortable, knowing what to expect, being in love with someone fully to this. This is new and scary and fresh and totally in the scales. I may decide after tonight that I'm not attracted to him. I may decide that even though he's got all these things going for him that I think I want, I don't actually want him. I'm afraid of deciding that. I'm afraid of being wrong. Again.
I am also like this with all the guys I get to know. There's a weirdness for me getting to know a man. It takes a while for me to decide how I feel about someone, and especially to develop a strong attraction that I can trust. I have to make up my mind.
I think I'm sort of normal.
I've got this guy that I'm starting to date. I like him. I know that I like him when I'm around him because I'm enjoying myself. As soon as I'm around him, my body wants to touch him. I don't even think about it, I just want to be near him. After we part, I'm smiling big and bright. I'm glowing. I am excited.
A few days go by of fine-ness. I'm generally excited about having another date. I can gush about him to people who haven't heard. I imagine what will happen next, have trouble sleeping at night because of it. Then it comes down to the time before I see him again and I get nervous. I'm nervous now before our third date. I'm afraid I may not like him. What if I see him and realize I actually don't like him?
Is this a fear of rebounding? I don't know him. I went from being with someone I KNOW, being comfortable, knowing what to expect, being in love with someone fully to this. This is new and scary and fresh and totally in the scales. I may decide after tonight that I'm not attracted to him. I may decide that even though he's got all these things going for him that I think I want, I don't actually want him. I'm afraid of deciding that. I'm afraid of being wrong. Again.
I am also like this with all the guys I get to know. There's a weirdness for me getting to know a man. It takes a while for me to decide how I feel about someone, and especially to develop a strong attraction that I can trust. I have to make up my mind.
I think I'm sort of normal.
Tuesday, June 11
But Am I Ready
Am I ready?
Am I over him?
Yes. No. Yes and no. I am ready. I am not over him, fully. I am so sure I will be.
I am happy and I am excited and I want to take things slowly with this new person. I think those are all good signs. I am aware of the risk and the danger and the worry. I think that's a good sign.
And sometimes you just have to listen to your mom when she says, You go girl.
Am I over him?
Yes. No. Yes and no. I am ready. I am not over him, fully. I am so sure I will be.
I am happy and I am excited and I want to take things slowly with this new person. I think those are all good signs. I am aware of the risk and the danger and the worry. I think that's a good sign.
And sometimes you just have to listen to your mom when she says, You go girl.
New Things
I met a new fella. Online. I met a new fella online. I really didn't think I'd go back to online dating. I did. My little brother met his current girlfriend online. If it's good enough for him, hell I'll give it another shot. I wasn't going to try hard at all if I didn't feel like it. And I didn't.
I got tired of online dating again in less than a week. Then just a few days later a fella sent me a message and this guy, well he has the same sort of dog as me. I had to write back! And another day and I had to meet him and he had to meet me and we met.
I like him. He's nice. He appears to have his shit together. The thing I like about him a lot right now (besides having a matching dog and being way taller than me) is that he is going after what he wants. The fact that he knows what he wants and he's not afraid to go after it is... priceless. That's the sort of person I want to be with.
I'm excited, y'all.
I got tired of online dating again in less than a week. Then just a few days later a fella sent me a message and this guy, well he has the same sort of dog as me. I had to write back! And another day and I had to meet him and he had to meet me and we met.
I like him. He's nice. He appears to have his shit together. The thing I like about him a lot right now (besides having a matching dog and being way taller than me) is that he is going after what he wants. The fact that he knows what he wants and he's not afraid to go after it is... priceless. That's the sort of person I want to be with.
I'm excited, y'all.
Saturday, June 1
Mmmmm... maybe he was boring anyway. Or bland. Or passionless. Maybe he wasn't quite right for me. Maybe I could be with someone who makes me happier. Maybe it wasn't right.
Fact: It's over.
Fact: He wasn't the one. He wasn't the right one.
Fact: I'm ok and it's ok.
Fact: The right one is yet to come.
Fact: It's over.
Fact: He wasn't the one. He wasn't the right one.
Fact: I'm ok and it's ok.
Fact: The right one is yet to come.
Now I Remember
Online dating makes me feel undesirable.
It's all coming back to me. I'll message guys I think are like me and not out of my league and I don't hear back from them. I get messages from only unappealing dudes or no messages at all. I'll look through my profile and think, hey she's cute and fun and stuff. Why am I not getting bombarded with simple Hello's and date requests?
Online dating makes me feel like a grade B. Does this happen to other people? I'm hot. I'm smart. I'm fun. I have my life together. I am a grade A. Grade A +! Bah!
It's all coming back to me. I'll message guys I think are like me and not out of my league and I don't hear back from them. I get messages from only unappealing dudes or no messages at all. I'll look through my profile and think, hey she's cute and fun and stuff. Why am I not getting bombarded with simple Hello's and date requests?
Online dating makes me feel like a grade B. Does this happen to other people? I'm hot. I'm smart. I'm fun. I have my life together. I am a grade A. Grade A +! Bah!
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