Site Feature Review: OKCupid's Mystery Match

We found a mystery match for you

...and he likes Polo

• He is between the ages of 22 and 31
• He is single
• If you get a reply, you'll find out who he is

You match well, like Polo, and meet each other's "What I Want" preferences!

I found this announcement on my OKCupid account recently: a feature I hadn't yet noticed! The set-up: OKCupid finds a person for you based on what you've admitted you're looking for. They give you an age range, whether he's single, and apparently one common interest (this part is dubious). In other words, they give you jack squat. Is this OKCupid's attempt to keep you open-minded? Got to give those guys with disastrous profiles a fighting chance.

This doesn't work for me at all. An integral part of attraction is appearance. I admit to some vanity, but looks are important! Presentation is important! The whole thing sounds like one more "Sorry, you're not my type" e-mail waiting to happen--and this after initiating contact! I'm still stumped about something though. What's with the mention of polo? I'm not a fan of polo. 

Match did not provide the question faced man holding the gun. photo link here

Ridiculous Profile of the Week

I've been keeping my eyes peeled over the past few days for a worthy contender in my Ridiculous Profile of the Week club. Thank goodness this one fell in my lap this morning. Meet theGodtech. He sent me an email (2 in a row, actually) with what I'm assuming are music suggestions. Anyone familiar with the klaxtons, golden skans, violent kiss, or flight on broken wings?

[He's] really good at
VIDEO GAMES, FUCKING SHIT UP MY FAVORITE , FISHING , MUSIC ,POOL,GETTING PULLED OVER AND GETTING OUT OF IT , MAKING MUSIC, HIPHOP AND R&B BEATS TO BE SPACIFIC ,COOKING ,BOXING , DANCING,COMPLETING TASKS ,AND MAKING SURE YOUR BROTHER OR FATHER ARENT TRYING TO PULL A QUICK ONE ON ME , LAST BUT NOT LEAST ,ROMANCING. IM A JACK OF ALL TRADES I GUESS.
Now in Greek
FILLAKIA = Kisses

The first things people usually notice about [him]
WELL IM A SHORT GUY STANDING TALL AT 5'7 BUT I CAN GET 6'5 ON SOMEONES ASS VERY QUICK . NOT THAT IM VIOLENT OR ANYTHING I JUST DONT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY.HEY YOU SHOULDNT EITHER . AND IF ONE OF YOU LADIES THINK YOUR GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO, THEN YOUR OUT OF MIND BECAUSE I DONT LISTEN TO NOBODY. SIMPLY EARN MY RESPECT AND THEN I`LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. I GOT SO OFF TOPIC BUT WHATEVER. AS YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL IM EVERYWERE.

The six things [he] could never do without
BULLETS , MY XBOX , GUITAR, KISSES, CANT FORGET ABOUT FAMILY AND HUMAN CONTACT .

[He] spends a lot of time thinking about
THE WAY THINGS ARE AND THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE . I THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING . I MEAN, DONT YOU ! AND WHO IS STRONGER BEAVIS OR BUTTHEAD? WE WILL NEVER KNOW !JK I THINK ITS BUTTHEAD. JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, I ALSO HAVE A VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT NOBODY ELSE CAN HEAR .LOL

On a typical Friday night [he] is
WONDERING OF YOU . OR JUST HANGING WITH FRIENDS DRINKING A LITTLE ,YELLING AND SCREAMING, WHO CARES NEVER WILL I SEE THESE PEOPLE AGAIN, SO IM GETTING TANKED BABY. SOMETIMES I`D RATHER JUST STAY MY ASS HOME AND RELAX READ A BOOK OR EVEN WATCH A FLICK.

The most private thing [he's] willing to admit here
BEFORE I OFFICIALLY START TALKING TO A LADY SHE MUST UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS XBOX IN MY LIFE .GAMING (IS)IMPORTANT TO US GUYS. IM A DORK WHEN I WANNA BE . I LIKE FEMALE CERIAL , LIKE SPECIAL K ! WITH THE STRAWBERRIES .SO GAY BUT ITS TRUE.
AND WHY BUILD SOMETHING WHEN YOU BRAKE STUFF INSTEAD. I AM A DESTROYER AND IM PRETTY CONTENT WITH IT. OH YEAA MY ENGLISH HANDWRITING ALSO LOOKS LIKE ARABIC.
I DONT BREAK PROMISES. IF ONE IS BROKEN , YOU SHOULD NOT BE GRANTED ANOTHER, THAT IS THE WAY FEEL ABOUT A PROMISE.
IT DEFIES THE PURPOSE.

[I] should message [him] if
YOU HAVE EXTRA ROOM FOR ONE MORE FRIEND.
sorry about the caps i do it to piss proper people off and if your that type your not for me, or maybe you are.

I get it now! Some guys will use caps lock on purpose to irritate people like me!

I kind of liked theGodtech's profile. It was genuine and unpredictable. Folks, let me tell it to you straight: I am plain tired of boring and politically correct profiles. I am! They're always full of the same bullshit lines (check out Eidos' profile from January 10's post). At least Godtech shared his embarrassing love of "female cerial" and "fucking shit up". Not quite my style, but still interesting. I'm going to run a search on those bands/song titles/incense scents; maybe I'll like them.

How to Message a Match: Avoid Resume Writing and Banality

It's difficult to hit the right tune with an introductory email: interested, interesting, genuine, and concise. I think it takes the right perspective and finesse to send an effective one. The following is a message I received this morning. It could use some tweaking.


I was reading your profile and I liked what I read. I am a laid back easy going kinda guy who likes to have a good time no matter what. I believe life is short so you should enjoy it while you can. I like going out to eat, going to the movies and I especially like going to concerts, I try to go to at least three a year. I love to travel and there is nothing like a good day trip. I also like to stay in cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with my special somebody. I am looking for a relationship based on trust and honesty, which in todays world is hard to find. I feel like I am a nice guy with a sociable and funny personality and I know how to treat a girl. I think if we talked we would see that we have alot in common, I hope to talk to you soon


Problem 1: The Resume
When you're introducing yourself to me, please don't copy your "About Me" persona to the message. I'm not attracted to salesmen and, frankly, you're not a convincing salesman, either. Listing your credentials to a prospect is just so tacky. Try a little here... woo me.

Problem 2: Banality
Oh, I'm tired of the cardboard-cutout attributes. Who isn't looking for a relationship based on trust and honesty? And did he get that last part, "which in todays world is hard to find", from a magazine? He's writing exactly what he thinks a girl wants to hear. I, for one, do not want that. Do you, ladies?


P.S. This fellow didn't improve his chances with his profile picture. He's portrayed lounging on a couch with bedroom eyes... the kind you usually see on women. The whole vibe struck me as overtly feminine and most certainly posed. Awkward.

News Flash: That's a Turn Off!

Stop dejas-vu-winking, please.


Have you been approached online by a guy more than once without giving him any indication of your interest? I'm not talking pursuing here either. I'm talking, "Oh, I thought he already tried this a few months ago. I thought he got the hint when I didn't respond." This has happened to me more often than I ever would've guessed. Let's analyze this, shall we? I can see three explanations for a deja-vu wink.

1. He keeps seeing your beautiful face and honestly can not remember that he made the attempt to contact you.
2. He's hoping this time around you'll be more inclined to respond. Maybe you were just really busy before.
3. Two months is long enough for him to have totally cleared any recognition of your online personality. He thinks you're a brand new match!

At the very least, he seems desperate. Desperation is one of the mega-ist turn-offs of all! Other negative attributes that come to mind include: air-headed, inexorable, fervid, ineffectual, pathetic, lame... Maybe, just maybe, he's only nervous; he hasn't summoned the courage to send your exquisite self an e-mail. No excuse. Don't double-wink.

Bottom line: If at first your wink doesn't succeed, oh (if you must) try, try again. But make it a message.

Link Time!

40 Things You Can Learn About a Guy in 10 Minutes

I fell upon this article with some skepticism yesterday. Take a look though, it might surprise you. I found some delicious nibblets of information. Yum!

Pursued by a Sugar Daddy

My prospective sugar daddy had a follow up question for me yesterday. "Have you thought about my offer?" I hate that he's calling it an offer. I need to shower. Excuse me.

P.S. - If you're interested in pursuing a younger lady, start your search here... or here. Good luck.

photo link here

Having High Standards

What's the worst thing you can say to a single girl?

• There are a lot of fish in the sea!
• You don't really want a boyfriend anyway!
• Be more proactive!
• You need to get out there and get back in the game!

How about...

• Your standards are too high.

Ah, the most heartless of "I know better than you" advice. Gag me with a fork. This statement implies that I will never get the man I think I deserve; that no matter how long I wait, my chances of finding someone who meets my criteria aren't getting any better.

What are my criteria? What do I look for in a guy? What's my type? It's simple. I want someone I can be happy with. I want someone I am myself around, someone I can trust. I want someone who gets me.

The three things I need:

1. He's into me.
2. I'm into him.
3. He's ready for a relationship and willing to commit.

Now maybe these requisites are vague or obvious or fanciful. I've had options: a man looking for love, not me;  a man who gives me compliments, not butterflies; a man who wants right now, not later. They never satisfy my needs.

My mom's advice on the matter, "Allison, don't be so serious about it all. Just have fun! See what happens!" I don't like this advice. I'm an educated consumer. I research my options before I make my decision. Every day of online dating, every day of growing older, every day of figuring myself out; I've gotten closer to knowing what is is that I want. That's something to be proud of. I'll find someone who fits eventually, it's all statistics.

When they ask if I had high standards, maybe I should say yes. I suppose I do. I certainly don't want to have low standards.

I'm on a Roll, Folks!

I was relaying some events to a friend and realized something. I'm on a roll of shutting guys down! Line up, fellas!

• Jan 15 - I got a call-back for a potential 2nd date. I didn't listen to the message for 22 hours and never called him back.
• Jan 17 - A prospect from months ago greeted me out of the blue. He had recently decided he needed to meet me. I had given him plenty of opportunities. He was three months too late. Thankfully those three months let me find out how weird he is.
• Jan 17 - A friend of mine pushed his friend on me while we were all out together. This 2nd layer friend didn't say a word to me all night... Turns out he's afraid to speak to my face. Months ago, he tried to get me into a conversation online that involved me washing his car and telling me he was lonely. Gag. I thought that ship had sunk a long time ago.
• Jan 18 - Ran into a middle-aged bachelor (who knew me from work) at the grocery store. He suckered my name out of me and stared at my basket. I told him I'd see him around and fled.
• Jan 22 - Ignored a first date request from another fella. I had told him from the beginning I was taking a break from blind dates. He thought he was special.
• Jan 22 - Someone emailed me asking if I wanted a Sugar Daddy. My reply? "You must say that to all the girls". I don't plan on continuing the discussion.
• Jan 23 - Saw another middle aged divorcee at work. This one had given me his number in a greeting car back in December. Good thing I had other people to wait on and M didn't. I never did call him. (Were you thinking I had?)
• Jan 23 - I got the first invite to meet a friend I've been chatting with for a few weeks (chatting with a lot). It was awkwardly abrupt and commanding, "Meet me at 11 at the brewery". He disappeared after I told him he was being rather forward. After all, I'd been clear I was on a hiatus and he told me he'd bide his time until I got around to asking him out. He's still missing in action. 

Maybe I have high standards... kidding. I'll discuss standards tomorrow. I have a lot to say about them. Please let me know if you think my behavior in the above listed events was unnecessary or inappropriate. I always appreciate feedback.

How to Read a Profile

Be wary of men in hats.
It means they don't have hair. It also means they don't want you to know they don't have hair, so they have complexes. Bad news, bears.

photo link here

Link Time!

I've brought up profile pictures before and this blog post, put out by OKCupid, sparked my interest. Click the link and you'll find some lovely graphs, example photos, and grammatical errors (eek, gads!). I learned girls should smile for the camera, boys should not, and apparently showing off your taut stomach and/or décolletage is kosher? Read on, fair readers...


Four Big Profile Picture Myths

Peas and Peeves

I've been considering some recent advice about running into single fellas at the supermarket. The theory goes, single men hit the grocery stores right after work on weekdays to pick up some pre-made dinner. Makes sense. Ever the optimistic experimenter, I popped into Big-Y at about 5:15 thinking to grab some hummus and frozen peas and chocolate chips. Good news! The experiment was a success! Bad news! Eligible bachelors come in all ages. I'm tired of being hit on by 40 year olds.

photo link here

Ridiculous Profile of the Week

Meet Snowman211. He's absolutely delightful. You'll love him.

In [His] Own Words:
some one that dont lie some one that lives every day 2 the fullest. a happy women im a happy guy an i dont play games i like some one that can hang with me some one that can keep up can u i like doin a lot of stuff for fun so just ask


What [He] Likes To Do:
go out an do something fun


And that's all he gives you. Not much to go on, right? I do know that he's four inches shorter than me, has two more kids than me, and smokes! Thanks for the interest, snowman, but I don't think we'd mesh well.

Link Time!

Six Biggest Dating Mistakes
Top 10 Places to Meet a Guy
Top 12 Dating Tips

I'm a big fan of Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker. Try to catch her show on Bravo; you'll get a fair share of the reality TV show nonsense but she doles out some great lessons on dating. The condensed lessons are linked above.

photo link here

Do You Play Hard to Get?

It doesn't seem to happen much anymore but it did last night: I found myself attracted to a man. I was doing the whole gazing longingly across the room thing for most of the night. When we finally got around to being face to face, I told him I liked his shirt. And then asked where he got it. Yeah, killer intro. You know what I did next? It's dumb. I went into what I call Hyper-sensitive Ignoring.

Hyper-sensitive ignoring is all about acting like he's not there but only paying attention to him: everything he laughs at, the way he stands, and who he's looking at. It really tests my ability to carry out superficial conversations, something I admit I'm really bad at. Apparently when I'm focusing all my energy on a man, I can fake a conversation with other girls pretty well.

I don't enter into Hyper-sensitive Ignoring on purpose. It just happens. I don't think it's an effective means to catch a fella, either. The way I see it I don't know how he feels about me but I have already admitted to myself I like him and I don't want anyone to know what I'm really thinking. What if I'm outted!

My question: Is this playing hard to get? Do you play hard to get? Does it work?

Should I Call Him Back?

Rephrase: Am I a bad person if I don't call him back?

I'm not interested in [man from last blind date]. I thought my body language/spacing out/lack of interest/unenthusiastic send off would be enough of an indication of my intentions. It seems guys like clear messages. What's the right way to let him know?

I haven't listened to the voice message he left yet either. It's already been nearly 24 hours. I feel so naughty... but in a shameful kind of way. Yuck.

Thoughts?

News Flash: That's a Turn Off!

Do NOT use caps lock.

I'll read your profile like you're yelling at me. Or that you can't control the sound level of your voice (read: Voice Immodulation Disorder). Either way, seriously obnoxious.


Bottom Line: Acquaint yourself with the shift key and the use of lower case letters.

Just Say Hi

When introducing yourself to an online prospect, remember to keep it simple, folks. It's important to appear interested and attracted but not desperate. Your first email should be just a few lines. Think flirtatious but fleeting.

DO:

• Compliment. Be honest. Pick a characteristic that caught your eye. Girls love to hear genuine, sweet compliments. I am ever a fan of the simple "You have a beautiful smile" (if it's true). As for guys, applaud his character or manliness. Stay away from generic and uneffective compliments. No more "You seem interesting". Come on, it's lame and unflattering.
• Engage. Draw from his/her profile; you want to show that you read the damn thing. Nothing is more attractive than someone who's totally interested in what you've got to say. Act interested!
• Ask. End with a question: thoughtful, flirtacious, clever, silly, moody, whatever. Leave him/her a reason to write back.

DON'T:

• Do not leave a list of your contact information.
• Do not write a survey of questions.
• Do not provide a defense of your character. 

Remember, y'all, if you don't get a response... No. Big. Deal. That's how dating works. Should I say that again? Did you know there's lots of rejection in dating? The more you put yourself out there, the more hits you'll get.  Just scout around and find someone else to approach.

How to Deal... with Bad Dates

I just got back from my 7th(?) online induced date. They don't get any easier. I've been expecting that with enough practice I'd develop some decent skill at entertaining a perfect stranger for a few hours. I just can't summon the superficiality required.

Let's review some of my thoughts from the evening.

• What was he really thinking when he brought up that story about removing his pants? Was he picturing me naked? Ugh.
• Does he realize he has sauce on his face? Does he realize it's unattractive?
• Is he really divorced?
• Why did he tickle my back both times he came back from the bathroom? Couldn't he feel me flinch the first time?
• Does he think I just ran into my friends, or that they're here to spy on us?
• When he mentioned "us" in the future sense, is he picturing us really being together?
• How long before I don't feel guilty for skipping out because "my dad just had surgery and I want to check on him real quick before I head back to my empty apartment"? I put that last bit in quotes because... well, doesn't it strike you as a bit made up?

They say that within 8 minutes of meeting someone, the attraction is there or it's just not. Or am I making that up? Well, I knew within 8 minutes of my date tonight that I would be biding my time till it was safe to escape. Anyway, I have a question for you...

How do you end a done-in-8-minutes sort of date?
1) Endure/enjoy the remainder of the evening,
2) Pretend something more pressing has come up, or
3) Skip out on your trip to the lou?

When all is said and done (and paid for), I can find some feeling of accomplishment when the date is over. I met someone new, I understand myself well enough to know when I'm not attracted, I got some free drinks and compliments. Oh, and  nothing compares to the dizzy, excited comfort of reaching my car after that all too awkward hug/kiss/we-should-do-this-again-soon. Sweet, sweet freedom.

News Flash: That's a Turn Off!

Do NOT add me to your favorites. 
Are you saving me for later? Am I supposed to be flattered? That you couldn't find the courage and/or time to send me an email? News flash: people are attracted to confidence, not STALKERS!
Bottom Line: If you like me, message me.

I Really Have to Reply to Every Message?

No.
No. No. No.
Being polite and friendly is all well and good but sometimes it's just too tiring. For sure, one of the draws of online dating is getting all that fan mail; talk about an ego boost! However, there may come a time when you wonder, do I have to reply to every single email, wink, chat request, and booty slap? Getting to know and turning down this many guys is actually really hard work. Surprise! You've discovered the first layer of stress in the world of online dating! I ended up taking a sledgehammer to some furniture, but you might be wishing you could punch mr. rockurbody's lights out (starting a conversation with "you're seeeexxxy" is actually really irritating).

You have no obligations.

Not responding is just as acceptable as saying "No, thanks! You're twice my age and I'm not big on dressing like an elf in public. Good luck out there!"  Don't feel guilty! Would you acknowledge every dude who cat-called on the street? No. No. No... No!

Ridiculous Profile of the Week

Today I'd like to share Eidos' profile with you. This young gentleman's profile was not all too shocking. I plan on sharing some really offensive profiles down the road, but let's warm up first. Eidos' picture was acceptable; the other two parts of his profile trifecta, however, were not.

In [His] Own Words:
i work nights mostly I think that relationships are all about the little things whether it is a hug or a simple little gift showing the person you care every relationship takes work witch is something no many people seam to understand they think it will be all good but I have learned that you take the good with the bad and all those times is why you love that person for there flaws and there good points

What [He] Likes To Do:
well i like the movies as well as the gym i like to go out but some nights i also like to sit home and curl up with a good book i like to go to the park and go for walks

[His] Hot Spots:
well i do not get to travel much the beach i love to swim i want to travel to different country's such as tahiland and japan i like adventure and i want to share that with somone


Problem 1: Presentation
Witch? Seam? Somone? I recognize that spelling is hard for many people. I'm not expecting too much though. In fact, I find the occasional flub can be endearing. However, repeated offenses just look so... dirty. And the run on answers? Sentences should not be hard. The trick is to use periods. Just use periods!

Problem 2: Substance
Please do not say you like the movies, the gym, going out sometimes, staying in sometimes, walks in the park, the beach, and traveling. What else do you like? Ice cream? Do you hate math problems? Oh, I bet you think kittens are really damn cute. Give me something interesting, maybe even unique! Otherwise I have to make a decision based on your one photograph and pathetic grammar. Bad news, Eidos. 

Side note: I will give him credit for the mention of hugs and gifts. That was a nice touch.

Navigating a Blind Date

Ah, the blind date: the harsh inevitability of any potential online relationship. I feel sick just thinking about it, actually. You've browsed your way through hundreds of profiles and it looks like you found a hit. You've chatted, you've emailed, you've talked on the phone... the next step, my friend, is to see that mug in person and find out if the chemistry you were feeling was imagined.. or (GASP!) the real thing! Now my thought on the matter is going to make me sound very pessimistic.. like the grumpy, old aunt tossing out unwanted advice. Chances are he is not the one for you. Most of the time, you won't know the guy half as well as you think:  it's easy to turn a picture and a voice into the man of your dreams. That image will erode when you see that he really does have a double chin and instead of walking like a man he walks like a penguin and even though he invited you out somehow you're footing a majority of the bill. When and if that happens just remember, bad dates will help you find the good dates. The more guys you meet, the better you'll be at figuring out which one will give you what you want and need. Just follow the old addage: Expect the worst but hope for the best. Oh and I'm partial to Nike's slogan, too: Just do it.

P.S. Be careful. Have you seen Dexter? I have. It's made me wonder what seemingly normal guys might be capable of doing in their free time. Make sure someone knows where you are and who you are with. Don't go anywhere too private (like his car, his house, the woods, etc.) And as a back-up, have some place to be when the date is wrapped up. It's easy to make a quick getaway if you already have an excuse (or your best girl is calling you with an emergency).

5 Profile Photo Don'ts

Signing up for an online dating account, you will quickly realize there are a lot of fish in the sea. And as it happens a lot of the deformed, dismembered, smelly, CRAZY fish end up on these sites. So remember, your profile is like your resume. It should showcase the best of you and leave no doubts for the viewer as to your desirability and sanity. This is especially true for the photo(s) you choose. Without having your personality and presence to entice a stranger, a lot of the attraction will rely solely on your appearance. Make sure you look clean and friendly, unless that's really not your style... in which case, power to you.

How to be immediately disqualified by profile picture choice:

1. You have more photos of your dog/cat/iguana than yourself. One photograph of your beloved other half is sufficient.
2. You have more photos of landscapes than yourself. Great, you're an amateur photographer... but actually being a photographer does NOT set you apart from the crowd and these photos are wasting someone's time.
3. Your favorite shot shows your naked upper body. Variation: you have no photos of your clothed self. Bad move, guys. I know this seems like a good idea: showcasing the goods, but it just comes off as sleazy. Duh.
4. I can't tell who you are in the photo. I have had debates about this point with other matchies. My thought is, sure post a picture with your best buddy/sister/stranger/famous dude but make sure you clip in a solo shot. Think of a group photo as an add-on, supplementary if you will. Friends of mine insist there is no room for your cohorts in your profile. They might have a point. It's supposed to be about you, right?
5. You do not have a photo. The ultimate profile photo no-no. If you don't want to show strangers what you look like, then I for one don't want to see what you look like. If you can't figure out how to get a picture of yourself onto a computer and into your profile... well, maybe you should take some time to figure the whole internets thing out.