What Now?

So you figure out that the guy you were pining for isn't really looking for something right now. Or maybe he's gay. Or probably in a relationship already. Or just doesn't fancy your charming wit and intellect like everyone else does. What now?

I guess you just go back to the drawing board. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? Swimming around. Bumping into other fish. Flirting with them but not really wanting a nice fishy relationship. Pursuing those fish at the bar and discussing mundane things but in an adorable way. Coming into those pretty fish's workplaces and lingering too many times to be a coincidence. Remembering so many details, too, and bringing them up in sweet conversation. And so much nice, direct fish eye contact.

Yeah. Plenty of those lousy get-your-hopes-up kind of fish.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

photo link here

Don't Cancel a Date by Text

This is an excellent point that can't be stressed enough. It's hard to look someone in the face and tell him you're not interested. It's easy to text it, but it's not right!

How to be an Asshole

A friend of mine cancelled a date today on the premise that she wasn't interested in the guy romantically. She apologized and tried to bring him down with tact and honesty. Granted, it was via text but she felt uncomfortable doing it over the phone, a method of communication they had not used. It's never a good situation, turning someone down, but that's the world of dating: fuck or get fucked. He texted a lackluster conciliatory response but then hit her with the following scathing e-mail.

This is the last time I'm going to contact you. I just wanted to let you know how I resent what you just did. I was not deeply in love with you or anything, but I thought that making these plans and then canceling at the last minute with a text message - with a sad face, no less - was incredibly fickle, disrespectful, and rude.

But, on a deeper note, I'm put off by how you're not really giving me a chance. No, I am not the most polished, smooth talker in the world, and maybe that's what you want - someone who will charm you and keep you at arm's length and play games with you and treat you like shit. I don't think it is a problem specific to you. Many American women have this problem. But if you had given me a chance you'd be surprised at what you'd find and what'd you'd feel. Trust me. But you couldn't even do that.

I'll tell you something. The perfect man is never going to come around. He doesn't exist. And you know what? If you're looking for someone like me, but a little more this and a little more that, don't hold your breath. People like me aren't that common either. I am so fucking sick of women's pickiness.

I'm doing this more to speak my mind, not to beg you to give me a second look. Do not worry, by doing this you've firmly placed yourself in the category of women I don't want. And don't bother writing me back a note saying "you're a great guy, you're wonderful, I'm sure you'll find ..." You don't mean it. Think of this as me doing you a favor. You only have so many chances in life.

One thing you must know, my friend is an amazing person. She is smart, beautiful, and hilarious. She is the most wonderfully accepting and non-judgmental person I know. She gave this guy 3 dates and was lined up to give him another chance, hoping that with time and energy she would develop feelings for him beyond friendship. She was willing to see him again despite her gut feeling because, basically, she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ultimately, she chose to be honest rather than give him false hope, which I found an admirable and difficult decision.

I'm sure you're all reacting to the above message the same way I did. I probably don't need to point out all the awful things or how out of line he was. I just want to say that for someone who was so quick to call my friend rude and disrespectful for canceling on him last minute, he sure was eager to surpass her with those ignorant criticisms and accusations. And how did my friend respond?

For the last minute rude cancellation I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I was in fact feeling fickle so as not to lead you on. I go by getting a feeling about someone and I don't know the protocol for giving someone a chance, we had 3 dates and I was still mostly feeling friendship. I have a lot of walls up and I am more comfortable being on my own unless absolutely moved by someone. In no way do I mean to condescend to you, I think it is my loss- but I feel strongly about how feelings develop for someone. I'm sorry if my text message was lame, I did not know you would find a sad face so reprehensible. You are right, many women are picky and fickle as are many men. I think if it's the right match it will just work, or at least that's what I'm banking on. You are a good talker and that's what I like about you, but I felt like I had given it a chance. I don't know what the right thing to do is or how to do it, it's not a conspiracy, and I am unhappy this ended on such a sour note. I'm not a bitch, I just have dreams of romantic grandeur- so sue me. Maybe I won't meet someone, maybe I need to give people more of a "chance", but for right now I cannot go against what I feel is right. Take Care.

She wrote back with such grace and respect. What a woman. She doesn't deserve this shit.

Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Good About Myself?

This morning I found myself in a bit of a conversation with a gentleman from New London. It's become difficult for me to conjure up any real enthusiasm for talking to new fellas, but I was trying to stay open-minded with this guy Elborito. He said some silly things, asked if I'd ever played volleyball and said we had a lot in common (but wouldn't specify what when I asked). Anyway, I was pretending some level of interest until he jumped the shark with the following comment.

"I actually like tall women."

Wow. Great. First of all, I'll give it to him that he, like many other guys, doesn't understand how wording can change the connotation of a phrase. I will assume that he was just trying to reassure me that my height (5 feet, 11 inches) was attractive. But how does it actually sound? Bad. It sounds bad. He, unlike other people apparently, likes women who are tall. News flash, Elborito: I think most people* (both women and men) admire and aspire to women of stature. Thanks for trying to single yourself out as someone who could actually appreciate my attributes.

*Shorter guys generally stick to smaller girls because they are taught to feel manly from a young age. However, shorter guys usually have twisted egos and identity issues. I decided to leave them out of this. 

Let's Talk About Hot Guys

Who's your pick for most melt-worthy Vancouver Olympics athlete?

My vote: John Morris, aka Johnny Mo. Tall. Mannish. Piercing blue eyes... he's also a champion curler who moonlights as a firefighter. He's third on Team Martin, the golden team that has played a perfect game so far this tournament and is fighting Norway for the Gold tomorrow night. And guess what? ET Canada voted him one of Canada's most eligible bachelors. La swoon...

How Not to Message a Match: Curb the Desperation

I just got what is apparently the third email from a guy named Brian. I honestly couldn't remember having conversed with him before, so I checked. I had indeed received previous emails from him, one of which I replied to. I was friendly but not exactly inviting. His recent email opener? He was "thinking of me yesterday". Brian isn't aware of the line between sweet longing and obnoxious desperation. This has been a common problem, I've noticed, from a lot of online-daters. A little too much, much too soon.

Let's Talk About Hot Guys

Which sport has the hottest athletes?

My vote: soccer. Muscular but lean, not bulky. Nice arms, nice legs, nice abs. Plus they're tall but not awkwardly tall.

photo link here

He's So Cute...

I'm daydreaming again. I've got my sights set on blue shirt guy. He's so sweet and funny and smart and tall and cuuuuute. I'm walking around in a daze half the time now. Occasionally, I'll have to say it outloud, "He's so cuuuuuuute" and then I'll trail off into silence again. Gosh, am I twitter-pated? Just a bit?

photo link here

The Importance of Being Yourself

Oh, the trials of finding love. I've rambled a bit already on the importance of not trying when it comes to love. A friend of mine was struggling with that very concept. And by friend of mine, I kind of mean me. I did find a way to apply all my reasoning to someone else's situation, though, and suddenly everything made sense!

In the interest of creating new relationships I've found it's very easy to try to be what you think someone else wants. You want to be liked! So you try and fit your personality into the mold of acceptability. But inevitably your true self will break out. Perhaps it will take a while for that special someone to move on, realizing that he didn't get what he bargained for.

More likely you won't attract real long term interest when you're pretending to be someone you're not. He'll move on before he ever gets to know you. And if there's anything more dissatisfying in love, "I never even got the chance!", you let me know. Your best shot at finding someone who will stick with you? Being entirely and utterly what you are, all the time. People don't like fake; I actually hate fake. It may be bring a shine to a person's exterior at first but it sure gets boring.

It's not easy for most people, I think, to fight the panic of letting yourself be free. So how do you break down all those walls you've been building since middle school? Distractions! Because lot's of stuff/guys/problems/fun going on will keep you from focusing too much energy on that one guy. And when you're not focusing energy on him, you're not caring. And when you're not caring, you're being yourself! Ding ding!

You owe it to yourself and you owe it to all those great guys to let them actually know you! Let him make the decision whether he's interested! Trust his taste in women. If he's not interested, you played your full hand so you have nothing to regret and clearly his taste just doesn't suit yours. And really? It'll be so much easier for him to fall in love with you when you've got all those walls stripped down. Be-e-e yourself!

Oh! Here's a great post on the matter from Blisstree.

A Conversation Doomed to Failure

The following is a chat transcript from earlier today with a guy I was immediately not attracted to from his use of the double Q.

me: hi
him: What's going on?
?
just hangin out
Exciting stuff.
yeah you?
Doing something incredibly nerdy. Trying to get videos from my laptop to play on my Xbox.
nerd aleeert
So? I think it's pretty awesome.
you said it was nerdy
i was just agreeing with you
I think being nerdy is cool.
ok
Apparently you disagree.
what gives you that impression
so far all i've done is agree
You just didn't seem all that interested, I guess.
ohhhh
it actually doesnt sound that nerdy
it's not like youre arranging your star wars action figures
into an accurate fight sequence set up
Nah, I only have a few left and I don't play with them. Just for display.
Most were a gift from my roommate.
ah
At least I admit to it.
um
is that better?
They're bobbleheads and they were a gift.
ok
Is it wrong to have a hobby and things you like? It's not like it's hurting anyone.
ok
ah um ok. What's with the one-word responses?
i dont know what to say
I don't see why I have to defend harmless things. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a nice guy who has a lot of interests. Why are you asking me "is that better"?
um i'm not really sure what's going on

huh?

well it was nice to meet you but i have to go!

After this conversation took place, I felt guilty. Frankly, I think he was a weirdo and turned what could have been sarcastic banter into an emotional argument, and really who wants to argue like that with a stranger? I was just being me, perhaps an edgy kind of honest that brings out the defensive in some. My buddy told me I'm just "real" and people are "kinda wacky". That made me feel better.

photo link here

Don't Double Question Mark Me, Please

If you try to talk to me and I take "too long" to answer a question, deal with it. Do not give me a the double "?". Usually if I'm slow to respond it means I'm not interested. So maybe you can tell I'm not interested so you're feeling a little desperate, maybe a little insecure. Don't compensate for that by being extra needy and inquisitive. It's actually not attractive at all.

Bottom Line: Don't double Q me! Just wait for me to respond!

Happy Valentine's Day, Boys and Girls!

OK, so everyone hates this holiday. Guys in relationships hate it. Single girls hate it more. Valentine's Day may have been created by the commercial industry to keep us consuming in the long winter stretch between Christmas and Easter. Call it whatever you want.

Let's celebrate love, even if we're stuck sitting this round out.

Valentine by Kina Grannis

Care For You by Michael Bernard Fitzgerald


What I Wouldn't Do by A Fine Frenzy

The Joy of Fake Profiles

And again. Here's an example of a wonderful fake profile... or foreign lady profile. The line between the two gets blurred sometimes.

am seeking for the right man to share the rest of my life together with

I'm a very kind and cheerful person. I have a lot of friends and they like to spend their time with me, because they are not bored with me. I have a very good sense of humor and I adore jokes. I'm a one-man woman and I'm tender, romantic and honest. I believe that the main things in the serious relations are honesty, respect and understanding. I'm very respectful and I love children. I know that I will be a loving and passionate wife for my husband and a good and caring mother for my future children. I'm a very good mistress and I like to do all the work about the house. I believe that woman's task is to keep house clean and tidy, to be a queen in the kitchen and to care about her husband. In my house everything is always clean and cozy. I'm a very active person.

The Joy of Fake Profiles

My Match buddy has long been suspicious of fake lady profiles. I was naively skeptical but he convinced me with only a few examples. The following is a particularly good one.

I'm outgoing, busy, love to meet new people and enjoy going out and staying in. According to a personality/work style assessment I did at work recently I have "sparkle, zest and vigor" and have been described by close friends as feisty. I'm pretty sarcastic and it's one of the first things people normally notice about me. I am a fun fearless female who enjoys going out and trying new things. I would have to say I am an open-minded compassionate person who you'd find laughing at herself 20 times a day. I love to have fun with everything. I take trying times with a positive approach and know there is a deeper meaning behind it. I believe that everyone who comes into your life has a purpose of being there. I am basically an easygoing, down-to-earth woman looking for someone that I can be myself around. Someone that is equally happy going out or staying in. I love witty banter and conversations that leave both parties a bit wiser. I want someone who is genuine, kind, and can laugh with and at life. I would love to meet a man who is not afraid to show his feelings, someone who has ability to not just see the world in black and white, but to also be able to see it in between. In return I have plenty to offer to that special someone! I know how to make my special person feel appreciated, valued and much more. One other thing is that I’m not a member yet since I just wanted to get a good feel for it here. If I can’t be reached here though, I can also be found at another place I’m at named freshmatchup- that would most likely be your best bet. I will give all of myself 100 % to the right person. I have a natural gift of making people feel better physically and emotionally, and I am looking for that special someone to share this gift with!

Is this the description of a girl every guy wants? Really? Sparkle, zest, and vigor? Should I double quote that? Oh, what else... she likes laughing; she's down to earth; she knows how to "make her special person feel appreciated, valued, and much more"... ooo, spicy! Well, as soon as you start thinking "Wow she seems cool AND horny", she hits you with a surprise: you have to create an account at another online dating site to talk to her.

If the above summary isn't proof enough, here are the gold signs of a fake profile:

1. One Photo. Especially if she's hot, skinny, wearing a lot of make-up, and has a big rack. Don't you think she would be getting hit on enough without the help of an online dating service?
2. No Specific Interests. Because coming up with interests is so hard for those fake profile-makers. If the left side of her Match profile is blank, it's a bad sign. Real girls love sharing stuff about themselves.
3. Interested in Anyone. If she's looking for anyone between 3 and 7 feet tall and who speaks any language, she's probably not really looking.

How to Read a Profile

Be weary of men who say LOL.
(Warning: This one might be a personal pet-peeve.)

Of all the acronyms employed in common online banter, LOL bugs me like a lot. It doesn't mean anything. You're not laughing out loud. You're probably not even smiling. It doesn't make a conversation any less awkward. And it's so passe! Use some new abbreviations!

Bottom Line: There was an age of shortening words out of convenience/nouveau coolness. That time has passed. Don't use it in your profile, please. 

P.S. Girls- doesn't it make a guy sound just a wee bit... girly?

photo link here

Tell Me About Your Undies!

I just got the following email:

Sometimes I wear Superman underwear to work.

Great.

Ridiculous Profile of the Week: Just a Snippet

I was just about to send this guy a message that said, "Wow. You're really cute. What's the catch?" Then I read his profile .

I would rather keep myself a mistery and not write about me just like I would not read about the other person so that I could have my own impression cause half the fun to me is just getting to know someone.


Looks like I found my answer. Is this an example of me being overly-judgmental?

I'm Avoiding Online Dating "Eye Contact"

Do we have any online daters out there? Have you ever been looking around at profiles and found a particularly dreadful one? Then noticed that he was online? And then quickly logged off to avoid an awkward conversation? Yeah, I'm avoiding some conversations right now. It's probably for the best. Those sites can leach so much free time from an evening.

Anyway, getting caught looking at a profile is so much easier to deal with than getting caught looking at a weird guy in person. Gosh, is it hard to avoid looking at an entire section of a bar for fear of making secondary eye contact. Chances are he's staring you down waiting for the signal to come over. Sometimes all they need is a glance. Why do the weird ones without a shot think that they have a shot? Life. Go figure.

Link Time!

The 7 Mistakes Single Women Make

You may have seen this article already. It's been floating around yahoo... which means I've been floating around yahoo. So I've learned a lot of things recently that I don't need to know*. Drawn from the book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb, this article is about the things women tend to think or do WRONG in regards to waiting for the perfect partner.  The book looks really interesting: full of honest and helpful insight (my favorite kind). One line has stuck with me past few days: You can fall in love with a guy who wrote that he likes Madonna, but you can’t fall in love with a guy who isn’t kind. It is really important to be open minded about a guy's interests before you get to know him. A man's character is so much more important, and you don't have a sense of his true self until you've gotten to know him. Behind that video game obsession, you may find the guy of your dreams.

*Only 11 people greeted the Colts on their arrival back to Indianapolis!

And On That Note

I fell on this classic during my iTunes session this morning. It seemed fitting to follow my last angsty post with this classic, 80s  gospel-inspired ballad. This song was born the same year as me. I just found that out. It's like we're soul mates... In my mind, it's the perfect I-can't-sing-but-I'll-try-to-sing-a-long-anyway song. Do you have a favorite go-to sing-a-long?
video link here

How Do You Stop Being Single?

Do you ever wonder that maybe you're single because you're just not ready for a relationship? Like it's the world's cosmic balance of things looking out for you, and it will hand you the perfect boyfriend just as soon as it knows you'll treat him right? "You can't go looking for love, it'll find you!" Oh and, "Love will show up when you least expect it."

Yeah. Cut the bullshit. The next person who feeds me one of those atrocious here's-some-logic-in-an-otherwise-illogical-situation lines, is going to get one serious earful from yours truly. I will accept one comment: "It sucks. You're beautiful" (because in my world ending with a compliment makes everything better).

The worst part about it all is, there's truth in those witticisms. I've just spent so much time worrying about that advice and taking it to heart that I don't want to hear it anymore. It feels like I've been making the best out of my single life for plenty of time now: making myself a better person and being who I want to be and learning to be open to new people.  When does it all add up? When does it come true? When will I not be looking for love? When will I not be expecting it?

Sometimes I wish being single was a problem I had more control over: a problem that I could solve. I'm used to analyzing things. I'm used to picking a problem apart in my head to reach the conclusion. This is one area of my life where analysis brings me nothing but angst. And I hate angst. It's so melodramatic. Blech.

How to Read a Profile

Be weary of a man in shades.

He probably looks smokin now but it's pretty easy to look super hot when you're covering half your face in shadow. Sunglasses are a useful accessory. They can make you seem really cool and mysterious. Key word: seem. Make sure you see his eyes in some pictures. That's all I'm saying.

photo link here

My Kind of Sugar Daddy

Mr. Barbera, as photographed by The Sartorialist. What an aura of respect, humility, and genuine sweetness. It's the presentation: he's coordinated and clean but relaxed. He seems nice.

A Cloudy Head Full of Questions

I've always had trouble finding the line between flirting and pursuing; choosing between bold and casual; and meeting someone who is both intrigued and serious. Inevitably, with every guy I find myself attracted to, questions will arise.

Does he know I'm interested? Would he make a move if he was more sure? Should I be a little bolder? Was I too bold? Should I cool off and let him figure it out? Will that let an opportunity pass me by? If it's meant to happen, it will. So should I just do whatever I want? Should I not be afraid to look silly or overzealous? Or, should I hold some of myself back to stay mysterious? If he really liked me, wouldn't he be trying harder? Does he think I'm not interested? Is he being careful? Is he busy? But if he really liked me, he would be taking every opportunity to get to know me, right? But he's not me, so he won't be doing what I think he'd be doing. Plus he doesn't really know me at all, so how could he know he really wants me. If this was meant to be, I wouldn't be questioning myself like this... right? The fact that I'm going through all these uncomfortable ponderings, does that mean something? Do I know he's not serious, and I've been kidding myself? Am I only obsessive about the ones I'm interested in because I care too much? Do I care too much? Am I obsessing? 

Yes. And my friends tell me I tend to over-think things. I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

I Don't Want to Wait

This is how I feel right now.

Video link here

Touch his Shirt! It's All in the Body Language!

You know how the other day I met that adorable man out at the bar? Maybe you don't. Well, I met this adorable man (a friend of a friend of a friend) during a group celebration at a nearby tavern. As it happens, I'd set my sights on him previously. So much time had passed between sightings that I'd almost given up.

Very quickly that night, longing from afar became longing up-close and personal. My first words? "I know you. Nice shirt," which was accompanied by some nice arm petting. I'm not exactly proud of my flirty move but I suppose sometimes when you think you said the stupidest thing ever, it turns out you were looking pretty darn adorable.

A friend of mine informed me that it was smart to invade his space and touch his arm. Invading a man's space is an indicator that you want a closer relationship. I've always found body language such a fascinating subject. I've read a few great books on the subject including Body Language by Julius Fast and The Power of Body Language by Tonya Reiman. Oh, and here's an interesting article from today's Telegraph (UK).

photo link here