I dreamt last night. I dreamt of the man I was missing, or at least he showed up. He wasn't very attractive in this dream. He looked like someone I used to know. I felt so unrelated to him. He was even working at his computer for a while, and I had this feeling of pity? No, sadness? Loneliness for him?
I've been thinking about him some with the advent of these new men in my life. There are comparisons. I think back to how it felt falling in love with him, wondering if I could be falling in love now. I think of the things he did that I liked, so many. I was mad about him. Even now my eyes could start watering. It is bliss to be so crazy in love with someone who loves you right back.
I am adamant to feel that again with the right person.
Monday, July 22
Unsure
Do I like him? Do I like the way he walks? Am I ok with how he eats food? Do I like how he looks at me? Do I like our conversations together? Am I happy when he's at my door? Am I excited when he moves in to kiss me? Do I want to meet his friends? Do I miss him when he's not here? Can I see myself with him later in life? Do we have things in common? Is it fun just being with him? Does he make me happy? Am I happy that he's in my life?
I know he's better than some but is he best?
I know he's better than some but is he best?
Sunday, July 21
Five and Counting
Five dates.
Two good night kisses.
One make out session.
Here I am googling "how to tell if he's a good guy" and "dating red flags" and "when does dating become a relationship" and "how to know if he's the one". Thank the lords for google. How would I be able to entertain my ridiculous over-thinking?
I just wrote an email to a close friend outlining the pros and cons of this new fellow. Want a highlight?
He's not big on opening doors for me. I'm going to say that first because I think it's been bothering me. Granted I get so nervous around him sometimes that I rush right through doors without giving him any signals that I want him to be doing that. But really, how do you politely get a guy to open your car door for you?
He does like my cheeks (among other things). And yes, he was referring to the parts of my face sitting beside my nose that get all round when I smile. I liked that. It was delightfully honest and sweet of him to say.
I like him. I imagine I will continue to like him but really I don't have any way of knowing for sure. I like to be sure. This is fun though--whatever this is.
Saturday, July 13
Sour Date
I went on a sour date. I met with him with the utmost feeling of "Why not?" We had sent a few messages back and forth. In one he had knocked my donut place and immediately I didn't think it was going to work out. But... that obnoxious side of me trying to keep things logical said to give it a better shot. After a last minute breakfast plan didn't work out (last minute plans with online dating are difficult to maneuver), I said I'd meet him for coffee. A coffee. A very safe thing to do for a first date.
We met at Starby's in the evening. I saw him waiting as I walked up and we went inside and ordered our drinks separately. So far so good. He got a chai--which looked awkward with a huge wad of teabags floating in his big fat mug of milkiness. We chose our spot and he asked if he could read the back of the book I brought along. That was sort of weird, like let's sit quietly for the first moment of meeting while you read the back of a book that I haven't even gotten into yet? Ok, so we talked about books. It was fine.
It took 15 minutes... maybe 10 before I realized I wasn't interested. He was pleasant and we had already found common ground in a Wyoming mystery series but still, I was bored. Two ticks that he had that started to irritate me:
1) He had this short, nervous, throw-his-head-back laugh that came at the oddest of moments. Some of us have things we do to fill in awkwardness with strangers. I laugh, too. So we were both laughing but nothing was really that funny and we weren't actually full of that much merriment. His laugh was annoying to me though. I like my ringing bell of a hearty laugh, I did not like his trill and sporadic one.
2) He took all these pauses to collect his thoughts when he was speaking--head down, eyes sort of searching, body completely still. I like when people don't resort to useless words all the time--it shows a sort of confidence, or experience in speaking. However, it became hard for me to tell whether he was putting his thoughts together for the rest of a sentence or if he was out of anything to say. There was a few times where I thought belatedly, 'Oh, he's done! OK, let's think of something new to talk about' and then as I started to ask a new question, he blurted out another sentence on the previous matter. Point: we were not in sync.
So when it looked like he was done with his drink, I think I may have asked. Then asked if he was ready to go! And he agreed in a "if I have to" sort of way--and asked if I was hungry!
"Oh, nope. I ate before I came."
"Oh." Silence. Staring.
"And yeah, actually... I have to... go to the gym!" Awkward laughter on my part. I shuffled us out to the steps and stood facing out to the parking lot, looked at him and said it was nice to meet him. We'd just spent 40 minutes together and I was eager to get out of there. He asked for my number, which I told him (thinking maybe I'd give it another chance). Then he asked if I had plans for the weekend. I said no, without really thinking. Then he asked if Friday or Saturday was better. Either was fine, I guess. How did I feel about ice-skating on Friday?
Maybe it's not fair to this guy who obviously enjoyed my company that I felt assaulted with this question. He had just taken my number and wanted to form new plans for 5 days away, and it was something weird and severely date-ish too. I didn't want to go. I had trouble saying that. I started nodding my head thinking I'd acquiesce but as I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. So I started using my body language--turning away, acting anxious, shaking my head.
"I don't know, man... ice-skating? I don't think so." Silence. Staring. Waiting. Apparently a band was playing, one he hadn't heard but thought he'd like and we wouldn't even have to ice skate! He waited more and I finally said ok. He told me he'd text me and shook my hand.
I flew out of there. I couldn't wait to text my friends and say what an idiot I'd been in getting cornered by a guy I didn't want to see again. I complained to my roommate about how conniving he'd been with his asking me out so swiftly, having a plan ready, not reading my queues.
The next morning I was sure I didn't want to see him again. He texted me at 9 in the morning. Folks, that's early. I'm at work. I'm busy. I ignored it and the following morning he called and left a message. Assuming I was still interested, he gave me the details and was looking forward to talking to me again soon. I felt awful --having to choose how to tell him no. I finally texted him something brief and honest, how I felt that we weren't a match but thank you anyway.
How do you deal with a sour date? So no thank you right at the end of the date, to his face? Give him a bad number? Give him a second date? Ignore his later bouts of contact?
Dating is stressful. I had so far been lucky with 2 great first dates. I had forgotten how to deal with a bad one. I am much better about recognizing my feelings though. Sometimes you just got to go with your gut and say what you're thinking, even if it's hard.
We met at Starby's in the evening. I saw him waiting as I walked up and we went inside and ordered our drinks separately. So far so good. He got a chai--which looked awkward with a huge wad of teabags floating in his big fat mug of milkiness. We chose our spot and he asked if he could read the back of the book I brought along. That was sort of weird, like let's sit quietly for the first moment of meeting while you read the back of a book that I haven't even gotten into yet? Ok, so we talked about books. It was fine.
It took 15 minutes... maybe 10 before I realized I wasn't interested. He was pleasant and we had already found common ground in a Wyoming mystery series but still, I was bored. Two ticks that he had that started to irritate me:
1) He had this short, nervous, throw-his-head-back laugh that came at the oddest of moments. Some of us have things we do to fill in awkwardness with strangers. I laugh, too. So we were both laughing but nothing was really that funny and we weren't actually full of that much merriment. His laugh was annoying to me though. I like my ringing bell of a hearty laugh, I did not like his trill and sporadic one.
2) He took all these pauses to collect his thoughts when he was speaking--head down, eyes sort of searching, body completely still. I like when people don't resort to useless words all the time--it shows a sort of confidence, or experience in speaking. However, it became hard for me to tell whether he was putting his thoughts together for the rest of a sentence or if he was out of anything to say. There was a few times where I thought belatedly, 'Oh, he's done! OK, let's think of something new to talk about' and then as I started to ask a new question, he blurted out another sentence on the previous matter. Point: we were not in sync.
So when it looked like he was done with his drink, I think I may have asked. Then asked if he was ready to go! And he agreed in a "if I have to" sort of way--and asked if I was hungry!
"Oh, nope. I ate before I came."
"Oh." Silence. Staring.
"And yeah, actually... I have to... go to the gym!" Awkward laughter on my part. I shuffled us out to the steps and stood facing out to the parking lot, looked at him and said it was nice to meet him. We'd just spent 40 minutes together and I was eager to get out of there. He asked for my number, which I told him (thinking maybe I'd give it another chance). Then he asked if I had plans for the weekend. I said no, without really thinking. Then he asked if Friday or Saturday was better. Either was fine, I guess. How did I feel about ice-skating on Friday?
Maybe it's not fair to this guy who obviously enjoyed my company that I felt assaulted with this question. He had just taken my number and wanted to form new plans for 5 days away, and it was something weird and severely date-ish too. I didn't want to go. I had trouble saying that. I started nodding my head thinking I'd acquiesce but as I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. So I started using my body language--turning away, acting anxious, shaking my head.
"I don't know, man... ice-skating? I don't think so." Silence. Staring. Waiting. Apparently a band was playing, one he hadn't heard but thought he'd like and we wouldn't even have to ice skate! He waited more and I finally said ok. He told me he'd text me and shook my hand.
I flew out of there. I couldn't wait to text my friends and say what an idiot I'd been in getting cornered by a guy I didn't want to see again. I complained to my roommate about how conniving he'd been with his asking me out so swiftly, having a plan ready, not reading my queues.
The next morning I was sure I didn't want to see him again. He texted me at 9 in the morning. Folks, that's early. I'm at work. I'm busy. I ignored it and the following morning he called and left a message. Assuming I was still interested, he gave me the details and was looking forward to talking to me again soon. I felt awful --having to choose how to tell him no. I finally texted him something brief and honest, how I felt that we weren't a match but thank you anyway.
How do you deal with a sour date? So no thank you right at the end of the date, to his face? Give him a bad number? Give him a second date? Ignore his later bouts of contact?
Dating is stressful. I had so far been lucky with 2 great first dates. I had forgotten how to deal with a bad one. I am much better about recognizing my feelings though. Sometimes you just got to go with your gut and say what you're thinking, even if it's hard.
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