How Not to Message a Match: Really Ridiculous Spelling Errors

Four words are sometimes enough to judge a person. Case in point: the following message sent by a Tall, Dark, and Hansom 19 year old who missed some schooling. I'm quoting him on that-- not handsome, but hansom.

Hay
babe wats up

He had me at Hay.

Profile No-No: Multiple Paragraphs

Guys! Stop writing so much in your profiles!

Actually--girls! Stop it, too!

I know, you want to tell everyone out there all of your wonderful qualities and, darn, once you get started it's just so hard to stop. Stop! Find another outlet! Dating sites are not the space to glorify yourself. Get a blog! That's kind of what I did... Back to the point! I'm tired of scrolling down to the About Me section to find paragraphs of information on dreams and family problems and favorite... everything. Guys: do you really have the time, energy, and daftness to share so much about yourself with ANY girl who passes over your page? You might as well clear it all and write "I am desperate for some girl to read all this and laugh and love me. Any girl. You? Please?". GAH!

Bottom line: Gentlemen, I'll stop using so many exclamation points if you stop saying so much about yourselves.

How to Read a Profile

Beware of men with long hair.

I mean, seriously--it's weird. I'm not talking about shaggy hair or cool slicked-back hair that hits below the ears. I'm talking past the shoulders. Think Fabio, think Taylor Lautner werewolf-Twilight style,  think girl.  If I could mistake you for a girl, I'm not interested. What is up with that style anyway? Is it the manly "if I can grow it, I shall" mentality gone too far? Is it an aspiration to resemble Legolas? Or a medieval knight?

Fine. I admit this is a totally superficial post. Feel free to disagree with my opinion, as usual. I just wanted to talk about it for a second since I found a profile this morning of what I thought was a girl but turned out to be a dude with extremely long curly locks. Gross. Or power to him, I guess.

Communication Breakdown

Down with technology!

Online talking is well and good until, oh wait--it's not anymore. Fake* communication, if not balanced by real communication, results in a relationship chasm. Chasms are bad. People fall into them and die. Or more likely, they're deemed un-passable and mission is cancelled. The metaphor works.

Experience has taught me that human contact is integral to forming a meaningful relationship. Go ahead: call me insightful. So how does all this technology hinder our relationships? Knowing someone isn't about getting her answers to personal questions or being able to comment on her current facebook status. Knowing someone is what happens after you've been around her for a while. Do you know her facial expressions? Do you know her weaknesses? Her strengths? Do you know when she's lying? When she's avoiding you? When she's happy? To see YOU!? Knowing happens over time, and knowing happens in person.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people capable of forming strong ties with typed words. I have had no such success. With so many methods of communication, humans have become lazy and complacent. Men have become lazy and complacent. Women have let them. I have let them.

Why should I expect him to ask me out when he can contact me without putting himself on the line? Because I'm worth more. Because you are worth more. Because good women are worth the effort, worth the risk, worth the embarrassment, worth the possibility of rejection. A good man knows that. A good man tries.

Bottom Line: Typing does not boyfriends make. Conversations without physical presence lead to relationships without physical presence...Wow. How obvious is that?

*Fake communication refers to communication without personal contact: texting, aiming, facebooking, and whatever else kids do these days.

How to Message a Match: Compliment Me--A Lot!

Maybe you'll find this one over the top. It is a bit showy (his heart stopped dead?) and it certainly breaks that rule of mine about keeping it short and sweet. But gosh, I am a big fan of this email. I might just read it again a few times... right... now

So here's my dilemma. Do I compliment you on having the most luminescent smile I've seen in ages? (I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile, and yours just made my heart stop dead). Or do I give you kudos for the Mr. Big reference? (I've also been known to belt that one out in a Karaoke bar, but probably don't do it as much justice as you do). Or do I mention how much I love "dog people"? Or how much I adore tall women? Or should I compliment you for having the most original and funny screen name on the site?

In all honesty, I think it was the smile that really got me more than anything, and everything else was a bonus. I'm sure with a smile like that, you get inundated with emails like this, so please don't feel obligated to reply. I just felt compelled to write something, because.... damn, that smile and those cheekbones completely nailed me, and caused a big smile to break out on my own face.

Anyway, I wish you all the very best and I'm sure that with your smile and your wonderful sense of humor, you will find exactly what it is you're looking for, and he will be one incredibly lucky man.

xxx
Tony

Mantasies: The Policeman

Maybe you think of bad strippers. Maybe you think of old men and donuts. I think of strong protective figures who aren't corrupted by politics and money... cough. I used to say I would date a police officer one day but I've grown out of that dream, after meeting a few. Also, I've heard that police officers are statistically the most likely to cheat on their wives. I need fidelity in my fantasies.

photo link here

How to Message a Match: Compliment Me!

This was a really nice email.

when a girl puts her hair up with a pencil, parts of my brain malfunction in the nicest way.

normally when i compose a message, im a million times more verbose, but im not feeling very well. thus, i'll take the more direct approach and say that you seem both cute and interesting. congratulations. its a very nice combination to have.

robert

Thanks, Robert!

Eerily Accurate Horoscope of the Day

You may find yourself at something of a crossroads in an important relationship. You are deciding whether or not you can continue with things as they are, or raise a gauntlet to the status quo. That could be a good thing if you are still single, and the one you give the ultimatum to is yourself. You may need to get out more.

BOOM! Astrology is magical sometimes. Verbatim, this is what I was reminded of yesterday morning by one of my most trusted advice givers. You like the kicker at the end too?

Is He Single?

How do you know if the guy you're interested in is actually single?

Sigh. You learn how to tell when someone is lying.

Story: I met a guy in Texas a few months ago; a sweet, charming, sexy guy who couldn't quite manage to get the good from me came close enough to seem single. After some innocent facebook stalking* upon my return home, I realized he was attached. Oops.

So what about online? I imagine it's harder to tell. You can't read body language through emails or chatting. Yahoo is spotlighting an article right now on this very topic, if you're interested... 5 Signs You May be Dating an E-Cheater

People cheat sometimes. Sometimes they convince themselves it's not cheating. Sometimes they only  convince the ones they're wooing. If a dude wants to lie, he will. My advice: trust your gut. But don't let that stop you from taking risks. If he's cheating, you'll find out eventually. Maybe you'll even learning something. Then I can put it in my blog.

*That's right: stalking can be innocent.

Profile No-No: You Tell Me

I know filling out your online profile is a little daunting especially if you're the type of person who doesn't like sharing details or taking risks. But when that question comes up "What are your best qualities?" or "What do people notice about you first?" dooooooooon't, don't, don't, DON'T write 

You tell me.

How lame. I have no idea why someone would like you and furthermore, I'm not any more inclined to meet you after reading that empty statement. It's not coy or alluring. It's a cop-out. Just come up with something! Ask your mom! Ask your friend! Make a joke! Divert the question! Something!

Mantasies: The Intellectual

The collared shirt, glasses, quick tongue, a penchant for video games... Just to note, this stereotype includes a bit of femininity that in the wrong proportion can be a major turn-off*. That being said, I am a mega-hardcore sucker for smart guys in glasses. A pair of lenses may be my greatest weakness. If he's four-eyed and knows stuff beyond my area of comprehension, I'm done for. Add in a heady dose of machismo... and I think we've found my ultimate mantasy.

*Have I ever mentioned how grossed out I am by guys who brag about how they "write poetry"?


photo link here