<h4>What Happened?</h4>

So many good days in a row. So much happy through, beneath, behind, in front of the sadness.  And I started crying on my way to the grocery store. Sad songs do that. Sad songs with words about losing someone and missing someone and being angry with someone for leaving can make me feel sad. Can make me cry.

I took myself to dinner last night. Got myself a glass of wine. I went on a date except I didn't need a date to do it. I can do the nice things that I used to do with someone, except without someone. I probably ate too much food and bit my nails later in front of the TV and I went to bed feeling a little sad but the rest of it was nice.

I love my town. I found another street market today. I didn't buy anything--I have trouble buying impulsively. My ex-boyfriend knew that. He knew about my difficulty making decisions. He never was bothered by it. He used to say he would wait for me. He used to say he would always come back.

I was talking about him with my coworker yesterday. Yesterday was boring so I got sad. I get sad when I don't have things to be doing. She asked if I stored tampons at his place. Did I have a section for my stuff? No. He kept things at his place for me--food things. He bought extra pillows for his bed for me. He bought a blanket because of me. But no, I didn't keep things there. Do you think he wasn't ready to share his life with me? Maybe, she said.

I was thinking yesterday (when I was sad) about the time I was waiting in the airport. I was waiting by baggage claim after I had flown in from Connecticut. I was waiting for him to find me. He came to pick me up. I didn't ask him to pick me up, he offered. It was nice. He was a nice person. He found me. He saw me standing there and he smiled and he came right up to me and took me into his arms. I remember my arms around him and his arms around me. I remember feeling so loved, so missed. I remember feeling so happy that I had someone who felt that way about me. I remember feeling so happy to see him again. I remember not ever wanting to let go.

He didn't always hug me like that. Actually, he didn't hug me like that very often. One time I came over to his place and we were going to go have dinner with his friend. He was so happy to see me. I started making a salad to take with us and he just looked so happy because I was there. I think he said something like, I don't even really want to leave now, I'm so happy you're here.

And I remember that time in my car when he said he never thought he would feel as strongly for someone again--what he felt for his last girlfriend--until me. What happened? Why did it have to happen? Why did I have to love him so much and then lose him? Why do I have to love him still? Why can't he still love me, too?

And then I wonder if he knew how much I loved him. Did he know? Was I too giving? Did I suffocate him? Did I push him away? Was there something I could've done? No. No. No.

How long will it take me to accept this? How long will it take me to be in love again? How long before my heart feels whole again?