I'm great. Life is great. For the most part, I'm great. Mostly I'm pretty good.
You know what? This sucks. It is so hard wanting to be with someone while you're alone. At this point, getting back together with my ... ex-boyfriend? (what an awful phrase term) is not the right thing for me. It just can't be, right? He started off as an incredibly doting paramour. He said the most fantastic and entertaining things. He always had his hands on me, comforting me. He checked on me, on my feelings. He wanted to make me happy. He made me smile when I felt shitty. But I can see now that by the end, he left me feeling so insecure. The break-up shook me hard. He backed out on me. He needed time to himself, time to recover from previous pain, time to get himself balanced again, time to sort out the emotions in his head. He told me he couldn't do it. He told me he was incapable of being what I deserved, but that one day (soon, hopefully) he could come back to me ready to give me everything. And I realized yesterday that saying he "couldn't do it" was probably an attempt to relieve himself of some responsibility for my broken heart. If he was incapable of being the boyfriend I deserved, than it wasn't a choice he made--circumstances were what hurt me, not him. At the time, it almost seemed noble of him. Now it seems weak.
The problem with recovery from a broken heart isn't really the crying and the misery--that's to be expected. It's the surprise emotional attacks. After 2 weeks of feeling great and independent and strong and beautiful and optimistic, I started crying yesterday when I got home from work. I got dressed and went for my run with a hat to shade my puffy, pink eyes. Usually running solves my moodiness: exercise is a known mood booster and running is especially great for clearing the mind. But as I slowed to a walk after three and a half miles, I could feel my throat clenching. It was as if my body was on pause for 40 minutes. As soon as I swung my apartment door shut behind me, I collapsed onto the floor short of breath, my chest heaving with sobs, my face streaked with sweat and tears.
There's a lot of hurting still and I imagine there will be for a while. I fell in love with him. I have to reconcile that somehow. I had to allow myself to continue to love him, but not be in love with him. This is what life is about, guys. Love is what it all revolves around.
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