How Not to Message a Match: Another Wonderful Example

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Hi, My name is Don I play guitar and love having fun in life. You are very pretty and I would love to get to know you better. I am a graphic designer and I own a place in Norwich. I have goals in life and I like to complete them and also like having fun in life too. Talk to you soon hopefully! Words can’t describe how beautiful you are. I am a very outgoing guy and I know how to have fun. After we get to know each other I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Noooooooooo, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

Have I Mentioned...

I don't like dating.

First Dates Rules: What to Wear?

Let's talk about dates and clothes. And seven layer bars.

First dates call for casual style, personal beauty, and subtle sexuality. Can we agree that it's important to save your bombshell ensemble for later on? I'm all about rules here, folks. Have you noticed that? I like rules. The rule is save your sexiest garb for later dates. Instead, work something that's easy, easygoing, and going to look good on you.

Arriving to a first date dressed in heels and a skirt can conceivably intimidate a guy or place undue pressure on the both of you. Do whatever you want, really, but I get the whole "skirts are scary" thing. I like being approachable rather than being the beauty from afar. I'm awkward, aloof, tall, and gorgeous* enough as it is, I don't need another reason for a guy to shut his yammer around me. I prefer to keep my sexy card until I've got a good report with my new man-friend.

One of my favorite ensembles is a pair of slim jeans, a low cut t-shirt with a form fitting jacket, minimal but effectively placed jewelry and nice sandals or flats--and of course some lady perfume, not my back-up man deodorant. I try to strike the "Hey, I'm looking nice for you, but it wasn't that hard and, frankly, I do it all the time". Not to let the cat out of the bag here but that's my standard fashion protocol.

Bottom Line: Pick some dependable favorites that make you feel at ease and look attractive. 

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? What do you wear on your firsty?

P.S. I made vegan seven layer bars: coconut milk in place of the evaporated condensed milk. They were really, seriously, uber fab delicious. Life is about layers and enjoying things that are uber fab good.

*I'm practicing my self-appraisal.

Story Time: Getting Hit On

Mostly, I enjoy getting hit on. Mostly, they make for fun stories. The following are my most recent/favorite.

Last week the fed-ex guy told me I had gorgeous eyes. He also noted that I was "all alone" in the back room. I felt uncomfortable.

A few days previously, a high schooler (presumably) yelled out, "Nice ass!" while biking by on his low-rider. He biked away too fast for me to shout, "Thanks!" and wave. Or maybe the appropriate response was to scoff?

My favorite hitting-on story was a mid-run attempt. I was jogging the dam, passing fellow humans without much more than a smile or a nod when I was caught unawares. He let me walk by, casual as can be. I thought the clomping behind me was my imagination until I realized that the clomping wasn't my imagination. The clomping was coming from a work-booted, spritely young gentleman jogging to my immediate left. I can't remember if it was only a few seconds or 30 before I removed my earbuds but I know the conversation had started without me. He was somewhere into commenting on the length and natural arc of my stride when I could finally understand him. He asked me why I ran. I'm not sure what he was expecting but I said I liked it and it kept me in shape. Why he found that surprising I may never understand. One comment led to another and eventually he deemed a formal introduction appropriate: I found myself shaking hands while jogging. It was awkward and kind of annoying, actually. He was ballsy, though. I'll always respect a guy with balls.

Mantasies: The Fireman

The fireman: of rescue and calendar fame. I like their style. They know what has to be done, and they get in there and do it. They save cats* and babies and ladies from possible/certain death. They're all about getting dirty with ash all over their face and broken boards in their wake. Firemen are a sure-fire win. Ha. Although I'm not a big fan of the outfits.


*Do they still save cats out of trees?


photo link here

How to Message a Match: Just Say Hi

I liked this email:

Well, I was going to go the easy way and just send you a woo- but I used them all up on a bunch of dickheads.

So, uh. Nice bike.

-steve

I don't quite get what he means by using all of his "woos" up on "dickheads", but the whole approach is fresh and silly and little more my style. You know, gents, my opinion is you don't have to put too much useful stuff in the conversation broaching message. The point is to start something, so just say hi! Thanks, Steve!

How Not to Message a Match: Don't Talk About My Band That Way

I received the following e-mail today from a one streamerface*.

You seem awesome. I love to laugh as much as you and I have a feeling that we would get each other rolling on the floor. How was your weekend? City and Colour is ok but I really love Iron and Wine.

So we had a great start on this one. Leading with a compliment is always good in my book (remember, I like compliments). Now the next bit is kind of awkward... "rolling on the floor"? OK, sure we'll let it slide. So he chooses to follow with a generic, harmless question--he knows he has to get the conversation ball moving and then BOOM!

Do not tell me that my favorite band is "ok".**

And let's get something straight. In my profile I rave about this band. This is not some sort of unfair trap. He broached a conversation based on explicit information provided on my page. Is he trying to antagonize me? Get a friendly debate going? No, he's probably just thinking he's pretty cool for having heard of City and Colour. And, oh wait, he knows another band that's BETTER!*** Streamerface's e-mail did not win my heart.

*His screenname isn't actually streamerface but it's funnier this way.

**I would have accepted such comments as "I like that album, too", "He's a talented musician", or "I know the one you're talking about. I think you'd like Iron & Wine, too".

***I am a huge fan of Iron & Wine, but that seems besides the point.

Smell Me

Today, I ended up wearing man deodorant. Better than smelling like BO, but the whole day I kept getting whiffs of totally obtrusive man scent. I admit I kind of enjoyed it.

When it comes to how guys smell, I'm not picky. I mean I was excited over the smell of my back-up Walgreen's Old Spice: Red Zone: Aqua Reef. There wasn't even an attractive guy wearing it. And... open discussion.

Women, Please...

STOP MAKING THE KISSY FACE.

photo link here

Mantasies: The Lumberjack

I'm all for burly men if there's a quiet, confident mystique about them. I like boots. I like muscles, as long as they're practical and not over done. The plaid is a bit touch and go for me but really if anyone knows how to work plaid it's the lumberjack. Often I can do without facial hair on a guy. You know how guys are, if they can grow it they will (and if they can't, they'll still try). There are 3 acceptable variations of facial hair growth: no growth, stubbly growth, and full blown beard. Seeing as lumberjacks can't really help growing facial hair because they're so testosterone heavy, I think it works.  I have a feeling real lumberjacks never measure up to the fantasy but that's not really the point, is it.

photo link here

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".

How to Let a Guy Down

Breaking up is hard to do. So is getting back your stuff. Letting a guy know you're not interested... is also very difficult.

So you've been on more than one date and you're pretty sure he doesn't have the goods. He's a great guy and you enjoy your time with him but frankly, the idea of kissing him doesn't light you up inside. What do you do? How long before you feel like you're leading him on? How would you tell him what you're feeling?

I've heard guys appreciate candid honesty. Now, I don't know about you but candid honesty with strangers freaks me the freak out. That's why my horrible, unadvisable habit is to totally drop all communication. Repeat: horrible and unadvisable.

One more time: If you find yourself in the situation where you need to break ties with a dude, appreciate his feelings and notify him (preferably in person, secondly over the phone) of your intentions with candid honesty. I think you all know why this is true. So I won't talk about it.

Stop Dressing for Other Women

Now THIS is an interesting topic: Are You Dressing for Men... or Women?

I've always been disgustedly fascinated with the American obsession of obtaining the feminine ideal. Girls are coddled from an early age into thinking there's one way to be a woman. Gross. We learned that hotness matter more than anything else in finding a man. Oh and being hot is really hard! You've got to fit the part: heels, skirts, pink, pretty, sweet but edgy, naive but a little dirty, curvy but mostly skinny. And now is the time to reel it in: how does this affect dating?

Women constantly compare themselves to other women: are my hips as wide as that? Is her cleavage too scandalous? Are my arms that squishy? Am I hotter than her? It's dangerous. We're so focused on how we compare to the mannequin at the store that we forget that the mannequin isn't what guys are attracted to. Earth to girls: Men like women!

So the next obvious question: How does one dress for men? Work on your conservative sexy: all you need are self-assurance and self-appreciation. These things seem to take some time to develop but you can fake it for now. Just tell yourself you rock and pretty soon you'll start to believe it, too. Don't be skanky sexy because it's not sexy. It's just skanky. Skanky means you're trying too hard to show off, which means you're not self-assured. Make sure you're projecting the idea that you love and respect yourself and that you're proud of what you've got. You should be.

Oh, and stop wearing so much jewelry.

And stop wearing so much make-up.

And, yes, I approve of heels even though doctors say anything over 2 inches is dangerous.

photo link here

Can We Be Friends?

Will a man befriend a woman without any sexual intention?

There are friendships that grow out of convenience, out of coincidence. And then there are friendships that men initiate because they just want to be around certain women. And by a sexual intention I don't necessarily mean a plan*. Is sex always part of the equation? I'm not a guy but I tend to think guys don't make an effort with girls unless they're attracted to them or like them, i.e. can/do picture having sex with them.

The worst offenders seem to be the ones in relationships. He can chat up girls left and right and pursue a lady all he wants, as long as he cuts it just short of leading her on. Hey, he's just friendly! Yeah? Well, I thought you were hitting on me so now I feel like an idiot so piss off! Rarrrrr...

*I don't think men are planners. I think men are instinctual; they react in the moment. I am a planner and analyzer. I find that my tendencies often hinder me. Often I wish I could act more like a man about men... sort of.


photo link here

Am I Online Dating, Or What?

No, I'm not online dating. I am on a dating hiatus, for an undetermined length of time. I decided this was the best step for me after my last blind date. The whole thing with the last guy became one really obnoxiously stressful situation, for like no reason.

However, I am subscribing to a dating site right now. And you know how I feel? Like a mega wussy-pants. I've got a whole tag team of mostly normal dudes sending me e-mails and I totally enjoy conversing with them. If I ran into them at the book store, it'd be totally cool! But a planned meeting? I'm not up for it now, and I don't want to be the one to deliver that bummer news. Every time I get a new reply I find myself scrolling to the end of the note to check if it's a date request or, worse yet, a phone number.

For instance, Mr. Super-undies just asked me out to karaoke. I know, I know: why am I still talking to him? Well, what started as me cleverly jabbing at him turned into him having smart comebacks. Poo. Here I am kind of enjoying his smartness, and now I have to come up with a way to say "I'm not dating" that doesn't sound lame. Oh, and it's not possible. Frankly, I feel guilty not giving every guy a chance. Plus, I hate telling guys "No". They get all upset and whiny and pushy. Poo.

How Ya Doin, Hon?

Do you like it when a stranger calls you Hon? I have mixed feelings. Being called Hon by older lady? Awwww, it's because I'm so lovable! Getting Hon from a ripe young male? Uh... kind of fake and annoying... but kind of cute? Should I be offended? It's kind of sweet being called something so affectionate, albeit from someone who maybe shouldn't be giving me affection. Maybe I'm starved for attention. Maybe I like to pretend I'm the only one he's called hon because I'm special. Maybe other girls like it, too. Maybe I'm kind of lame.

Bottom Line: I thought I'd have a bottom line for this, but I don't. Thoughts?

I Want a Sweetheart, Too!

This link is from a while back but I just thought of it a moment ago. Have you seen Garance Dore's website? A beautiful women with a passion for capturing beautiful things in sketches and photographs.  Naturally, she's french and has seen the most wonderful places and is attached to a most delightful man (the Sartorialist, himself). Maybe I should stop...

The point of all this: Garance meets a frenchman in New York City reading a book all by his lonesome. He seems perfectly enchanting and bachelor-like in his washed denim shirt and scruffy chin until Garance discovers a secret in his pocket*--his chest pocket. Oh, if it isn't the most romantic thing I've ever seen! I want a man of my own, so at the very least I have a reason to make hearts.

*I didn't even realize the dirty joke until it was written. Is that bad?

The Top 3 Signs That He's Into You

Oh, his eyes are blue and his teeth are white and he wears the most ridiculous hat and he does this cute thing with his pen when he's talking to you and he says pop instead of soda, sigh... So you're smitten. Is it love at first sight? How can you tell he's just that into you?

1. He is in constant contact with you. This includes a lot of things: you catch him looking at you (like a lot), the eye contact is smoldering, he stands/sits practically on top of you, he finds you online without noticing he's even there, he finds you at the store, he finds you at parties, he finds you at work... The options are endless. If he just can't get enough of you, he's just that into you.
2. He asks you out. And don't even give me that "He's shy!" or "Maybe he thinks I hate him!" I don't buy it. If a guy is just that into you, he's gonna ask you out. (Is saying period redundant?)
3. You will just know. There won't be any guess work. You won't find yourself analyzing conversations hours after the fact. You won't be re-enacting his signals so you can hear your friends agree, "Oh, he's so smitten!" And you certainly won't be searching online for the Top 10 Body Language Clues or Top 3 Signs He's Interested. If a guy is just that into you, you'll know. 

Bottom Line: If you find yourself worrying or wondering or questioning, then he's just not interested enough. That's the beauty of love. When it's right, it just happens*.

*I feel obligated to state that although I strongly believe and defend this theory, I have no personal proof to support it. Lot's of people have told me it's true because it's happened to them. Hopefully that's enough to convince you too.