Story Time: Getting Hit On

Mostly, I enjoy getting hit on. Mostly, they make for fun stories. The following are my most recent/favorite.

Last week the fed-ex guy told me I had gorgeous eyes. He also noted that I was "all alone" in the back room. I felt uncomfortable.

A few days previously, a high schooler (presumably) yelled out, "Nice ass!" while biking by on his low-rider. He biked away too fast for me to shout, "Thanks!" and wave. Or maybe the appropriate response was to scoff?

My favorite hitting-on story was a mid-run attempt. I was jogging the dam, passing fellow humans without much more than a smile or a nod when I was caught unawares. He let me walk by, casual as can be. I thought the clomping behind me was my imagination until I realized that the clomping wasn't my imagination. The clomping was coming from a work-booted, spritely young gentleman jogging to my immediate left. I can't remember if it was only a few seconds or 30 before I removed my earbuds but I know the conversation had started without me. He was somewhere into commenting on the length and natural arc of my stride when I could finally understand him. He asked me why I ran. I'm not sure what he was expecting but I said I liked it and it kept me in shape. Why he found that surprising I may never understand. One comment led to another and eventually he deemed a formal introduction appropriate: I found myself shaking hands while jogging. It was awkward and kind of annoying, actually. He was ballsy, though. I'll always respect a guy with balls.

How to Message a Match: Just Say Hi

I liked this email:

Well, I was going to go the easy way and just send you a woo- but I used them all up on a bunch of dickheads.

So, uh. Nice bike.

-steve

I don't quite get what he means by using all of his "woos" up on "dickheads", but the whole approach is fresh and silly and little more my style. You know, gents, my opinion is you don't have to put too much useful stuff in the conversation broaching message. The point is to start something, so just say hi! Thanks, Steve!

How Not to Message a Match: Don't Talk About My Band That Way

I received the following e-mail today from a one streamerface*.

You seem awesome. I love to laugh as much as you and I have a feeling that we would get each other rolling on the floor. How was your weekend? City and Colour is ok but I really love Iron and Wine.

So we had a great start on this one. Leading with a compliment is always good in my book (remember, I like compliments). Now the next bit is kind of awkward... "rolling on the floor"? OK, sure we'll let it slide. So he chooses to follow with a generic, harmless question--he knows he has to get the conversation ball moving and then BOOM!

Do not tell me that my favorite band is "ok".**

And let's get something straight. In my profile I rave about this band. This is not some sort of unfair trap. He broached a conversation based on explicit information provided on my page. Is he trying to antagonize me? Get a friendly debate going? No, he's probably just thinking he's pretty cool for having heard of City and Colour. And, oh wait, he knows another band that's BETTER!*** Streamerface's e-mail did not win my heart.

*His screenname isn't actually streamerface but it's funnier this way.

**I would have accepted such comments as "I like that album, too", "He's a talented musician", or "I know the one you're talking about. I think you'd like Iron & Wine, too".

***I am a huge fan of Iron & Wine, but that seems besides the point.

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".

Stop Dressing for Other Women

Now THIS is an interesting topic: Are You Dressing for Men... or Women?

I've always been disgustedly fascinated with the American obsession of obtaining the feminine ideal. Girls are coddled from an early age into thinking there's one way to be a woman. Gross. We learned that hotness matter more than anything else in finding a man. Oh and being hot is really hard! You've got to fit the part: heels, skirts, pink, pretty, sweet but edgy, naive but a little dirty, curvy but mostly skinny. And now is the time to reel it in: how does this affect dating?

Women constantly compare themselves to other women: are my hips as wide as that? Is her cleavage too scandalous? Are my arms that squishy? Am I hotter than her? It's dangerous. We're so focused on how we compare to the mannequin at the store that we forget that the mannequin isn't what guys are attracted to. Earth to girls: Men like women!

So the next obvious question: How does one dress for men? Work on your conservative sexy: all you need are self-assurance and self-appreciation. These things seem to take some time to develop but you can fake it for now. Just tell yourself you rock and pretty soon you'll start to believe it, too. Don't be skanky sexy because it's not sexy. It's just skanky. Skanky means you're trying too hard to show off, which means you're not self-assured. Make sure you're projecting the idea that you love and respect yourself and that you're proud of what you've got. You should be.

Oh, and stop wearing so much jewelry.

And stop wearing so much make-up.

And, yes, I approve of heels even though doctors say anything over 2 inches is dangerous.

photo link here

Can We Be Friends?

Will a man befriend a woman without any sexual intention?

There are friendships that grow out of convenience, out of coincidence. And then there are friendships that men initiate because they just want to be around certain women. And by a sexual intention I don't necessarily mean a plan*. Is sex always part of the equation? I'm not a guy but I tend to think guys don't make an effort with girls unless they're attracted to them or like them, i.e. can/do picture having sex with them.

The worst offenders seem to be the ones in relationships. He can chat up girls left and right and pursue a lady all he wants, as long as he cuts it just short of leading her on. Hey, he's just friendly! Yeah? Well, I thought you were hitting on me so now I feel like an idiot so piss off! Rarrrrr...

*I don't think men are planners. I think men are instinctual; they react in the moment. I am a planner and analyzer. I find that my tendencies often hinder me. Often I wish I could act more like a man about men... sort of.


photo link here

The Top 3 Signs That He's Into You

Oh, his eyes are blue and his teeth are white and he wears the most ridiculous hat and he does this cute thing with his pen when he's talking to you and he says pop instead of soda, sigh... So you're smitten. Is it love at first sight? How can you tell he's just that into you?

1. He is in constant contact with you. This includes a lot of things: you catch him looking at you (like a lot), the eye contact is smoldering, he stands/sits practically on top of you, he finds you online without noticing he's even there, he finds you at the store, he finds you at parties, he finds you at work... The options are endless. If he just can't get enough of you, he's just that into you.
2. He asks you out. And don't even give me that "He's shy!" or "Maybe he thinks I hate him!" I don't buy it. If a guy is just that into you, he's gonna ask you out. (Is saying period redundant?)
3. You will just know. There won't be any guess work. You won't find yourself analyzing conversations hours after the fact. You won't be re-enacting his signals so you can hear your friends agree, "Oh, he's so smitten!" And you certainly won't be searching online for the Top 10 Body Language Clues or Top 3 Signs He's Interested. If a guy is just that into you, you'll know. 

Bottom Line: If you find yourself worrying or wondering or questioning, then he's just not interested enough. That's the beauty of love. When it's right, it just happens*.

*I feel obligated to state that although I strongly believe and defend this theory, I have no personal proof to support it. Lot's of people have told me it's true because it's happened to them. Hopefully that's enough to convince you too.

Don't Cancel a Date by Text

This is an excellent point that can't be stressed enough. It's hard to look someone in the face and tell him you're not interested. It's easy to text it, but it's not right!

Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Good About Myself?

This morning I found myself in a bit of a conversation with a gentleman from New London. It's become difficult for me to conjure up any real enthusiasm for talking to new fellas, but I was trying to stay open-minded with this guy Elborito. He said some silly things, asked if I'd ever played volleyball and said we had a lot in common (but wouldn't specify what when I asked). Anyway, I was pretending some level of interest until he jumped the shark with the following comment.

"I actually like tall women."

Wow. Great. First of all, I'll give it to him that he, like many other guys, doesn't understand how wording can change the connotation of a phrase. I will assume that he was just trying to reassure me that my height (5 feet, 11 inches) was attractive. But how does it actually sound? Bad. It sounds bad. He, unlike other people apparently, likes women who are tall. News flash, Elborito: I think most people* (both women and men) admire and aspire to women of stature. Thanks for trying to single yourself out as someone who could actually appreciate my attributes.

*Shorter guys generally stick to smaller girls because they are taught to feel manly from a young age. However, shorter guys usually have twisted egos and identity issues. I decided to leave them out of this. 

How Not to Message a Match: Curb the Desperation

I just got what is apparently the third email from a guy named Brian. I honestly couldn't remember having conversed with him before, so I checked. I had indeed received previous emails from him, one of which I replied to. I was friendly but not exactly inviting. His recent email opener? He was "thinking of me yesterday". Brian isn't aware of the line between sweet longing and obnoxious desperation. This has been a common problem, I've noticed, from a lot of online-daters. A little too much, much too soon.

A Conversation Doomed to Failure

The following is a chat transcript from earlier today with a guy I was immediately not attracted to from his use of the double Q.

me: hi
him: What's going on?
?
just hangin out
Exciting stuff.
yeah you?
Doing something incredibly nerdy. Trying to get videos from my laptop to play on my Xbox.
nerd aleeert
So? I think it's pretty awesome.
you said it was nerdy
i was just agreeing with you
I think being nerdy is cool.
ok
Apparently you disagree.
what gives you that impression
so far all i've done is agree
You just didn't seem all that interested, I guess.
ohhhh
it actually doesnt sound that nerdy
it's not like youre arranging your star wars action figures
into an accurate fight sequence set up
Nah, I only have a few left and I don't play with them. Just for display.
Most were a gift from my roommate.
ah
At least I admit to it.
um
is that better?
They're bobbleheads and they were a gift.
ok
Is it wrong to have a hobby and things you like? It's not like it's hurting anyone.
ok
ah um ok. What's with the one-word responses?
i dont know what to say
I don't see why I have to defend harmless things. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a nice guy who has a lot of interests. Why are you asking me "is that better"?
um i'm not really sure what's going on

huh?

well it was nice to meet you but i have to go!

After this conversation took place, I felt guilty. Frankly, I think he was a weirdo and turned what could have been sarcastic banter into an emotional argument, and really who wants to argue like that with a stranger? I was just being me, perhaps an edgy kind of honest that brings out the defensive in some. My buddy told me I'm just "real" and people are "kinda wacky". That made me feel better.

photo link here

Tell Me About Your Undies!

I just got the following email:

Sometimes I wear Superman underwear to work.

Great.