How Not to Message a Match: Really Ridiculous Spelling Errors

Four words are sometimes enough to judge a person. Case in point: the following message sent by a Tall, Dark, and Hansom 19 year old who missed some schooling. I'm quoting him on that-- not handsome, but hansom.

Hay
babe wats up

He had me at Hay.

Profile No-No: Multiple Paragraphs

Guys! Stop writing so much in your profiles!

Actually--girls! Stop it, too!

I know, you want to tell everyone out there all of your wonderful qualities and, darn, once you get started it's just so hard to stop. Stop! Find another outlet! Dating sites are not the space to glorify yourself. Get a blog! That's kind of what I did... Back to the point! I'm tired of scrolling down to the About Me section to find paragraphs of information on dreams and family problems and favorite... everything. Guys: do you really have the time, energy, and daftness to share so much about yourself with ANY girl who passes over your page? You might as well clear it all and write "I am desperate for some girl to read all this and laugh and love me. Any girl. You? Please?". GAH!

Bottom line: Gentlemen, I'll stop using so many exclamation points if you stop saying so much about yourselves.

How to Read a Profile

Beware of men with long hair.

I mean, seriously--it's weird. I'm not talking about shaggy hair or cool slicked-back hair that hits below the ears. I'm talking past the shoulders. Think Fabio, think Taylor Lautner werewolf-Twilight style,  think girl.  If I could mistake you for a girl, I'm not interested. What is up with that style anyway? Is it the manly "if I can grow it, I shall" mentality gone too far? Is it an aspiration to resemble Legolas? Or a medieval knight?

Fine. I admit this is a totally superficial post. Feel free to disagree with my opinion, as usual. I just wanted to talk about it for a second since I found a profile this morning of what I thought was a girl but turned out to be a dude with extremely long curly locks. Gross. Or power to him, I guess.

Communication Breakdown

Down with technology!

Online talking is well and good until, oh wait--it's not anymore. Fake* communication, if not balanced by real communication, results in a relationship chasm. Chasms are bad. People fall into them and die. Or more likely, they're deemed un-passable and mission is cancelled. The metaphor works.

Experience has taught me that human contact is integral to forming a meaningful relationship. Go ahead: call me insightful. So how does all this technology hinder our relationships? Knowing someone isn't about getting her answers to personal questions or being able to comment on her current facebook status. Knowing someone is what happens after you've been around her for a while. Do you know her facial expressions? Do you know her weaknesses? Her strengths? Do you know when she's lying? When she's avoiding you? When she's happy? To see YOU!? Knowing happens over time, and knowing happens in person.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people capable of forming strong ties with typed words. I have had no such success. With so many methods of communication, humans have become lazy and complacent. Men have become lazy and complacent. Women have let them. I have let them.

Why should I expect him to ask me out when he can contact me without putting himself on the line? Because I'm worth more. Because you are worth more. Because good women are worth the effort, worth the risk, worth the embarrassment, worth the possibility of rejection. A good man knows that. A good man tries.

Bottom Line: Typing does not boyfriends make. Conversations without physical presence lead to relationships without physical presence...Wow. How obvious is that?

*Fake communication refers to communication without personal contact: texting, aiming, facebooking, and whatever else kids do these days.

Is He Single?

How do you know if the guy you're interested in is actually single?

Sigh. You learn how to tell when someone is lying.

Story: I met a guy in Texas a few months ago; a sweet, charming, sexy guy who couldn't quite manage to get the good from me came close enough to seem single. After some innocent facebook stalking* upon my return home, I realized he was attached. Oops.

So what about online? I imagine it's harder to tell. You can't read body language through emails or chatting. Yahoo is spotlighting an article right now on this very topic, if you're interested... 5 Signs You May be Dating an E-Cheater

People cheat sometimes. Sometimes they convince themselves it's not cheating. Sometimes they only  convince the ones they're wooing. If a dude wants to lie, he will. My advice: trust your gut. But don't let that stop you from taking risks. If he's cheating, you'll find out eventually. Maybe you'll even learning something. Then I can put it in my blog.

*That's right: stalking can be innocent.

Profile No-No: You Tell Me

I know filling out your online profile is a little daunting especially if you're the type of person who doesn't like sharing details or taking risks. But when that question comes up "What are your best qualities?" or "What do people notice about you first?" dooooooooon't, don't, don't, DON'T write 

You tell me.

How lame. I have no idea why someone would like you and furthermore, I'm not any more inclined to meet you after reading that empty statement. It's not coy or alluring. It's a cop-out. Just come up with something! Ask your mom! Ask your friend! Make a joke! Divert the question! Something!

How Not to Message a Match: Another Wonderful Example

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Hi, My name is Don I play guitar and love having fun in life. You are very pretty and I would love to get to know you better. I am a graphic designer and I own a place in Norwich. I have goals in life and I like to complete them and also like having fun in life too. Talk to you soon hopefully! Words can’t describe how beautiful you are. I am a very outgoing guy and I know how to have fun. After we get to know each other I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Noooooooooo, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

Story Time: Getting Hit On

Mostly, I enjoy getting hit on. Mostly, they make for fun stories. The following are my most recent/favorite.

Last week the fed-ex guy told me I had gorgeous eyes. He also noted that I was "all alone" in the back room. I felt uncomfortable.

A few days previously, a high schooler (presumably) yelled out, "Nice ass!" while biking by on his low-rider. He biked away too fast for me to shout, "Thanks!" and wave. Or maybe the appropriate response was to scoff?

My favorite hitting-on story was a mid-run attempt. I was jogging the dam, passing fellow humans without much more than a smile or a nod when I was caught unawares. He let me walk by, casual as can be. I thought the clomping behind me was my imagination until I realized that the clomping wasn't my imagination. The clomping was coming from a work-booted, spritely young gentleman jogging to my immediate left. I can't remember if it was only a few seconds or 30 before I removed my earbuds but I know the conversation had started without me. He was somewhere into commenting on the length and natural arc of my stride when I could finally understand him. He asked me why I ran. I'm not sure what he was expecting but I said I liked it and it kept me in shape. Why he found that surprising I may never understand. One comment led to another and eventually he deemed a formal introduction appropriate: I found myself shaking hands while jogging. It was awkward and kind of annoying, actually. He was ballsy, though. I'll always respect a guy with balls.

How Not to Message a Match: Don't Talk About My Band That Way

I received the following e-mail today from a one streamerface*.

You seem awesome. I love to laugh as much as you and I have a feeling that we would get each other rolling on the floor. How was your weekend? City and Colour is ok but I really love Iron and Wine.

So we had a great start on this one. Leading with a compliment is always good in my book (remember, I like compliments). Now the next bit is kind of awkward... "rolling on the floor"? OK, sure we'll let it slide. So he chooses to follow with a generic, harmless question--he knows he has to get the conversation ball moving and then BOOM!

Do not tell me that my favorite band is "ok".**

And let's get something straight. In my profile I rave about this band. This is not some sort of unfair trap. He broached a conversation based on explicit information provided on my page. Is he trying to antagonize me? Get a friendly debate going? No, he's probably just thinking he's pretty cool for having heard of City and Colour. And, oh wait, he knows another band that's BETTER!*** Streamerface's e-mail did not win my heart.

*His screenname isn't actually streamerface but it's funnier this way.

**I would have accepted such comments as "I like that album, too", "He's a talented musician", or "I know the one you're talking about. I think you'd like Iron & Wine, too".

***I am a huge fan of Iron & Wine, but that seems besides the point.

Women, Please...

STOP MAKING THE KISSY FACE.

photo link here

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".

How to be an Asshole

A friend of mine cancelled a date today on the premise that she wasn't interested in the guy romantically. She apologized and tried to bring him down with tact and honesty. Granted, it was via text but she felt uncomfortable doing it over the phone, a method of communication they had not used. It's never a good situation, turning someone down, but that's the world of dating: fuck or get fucked. He texted a lackluster conciliatory response but then hit her with the following scathing e-mail.

This is the last time I'm going to contact you. I just wanted to let you know how I resent what you just did. I was not deeply in love with you or anything, but I thought that making these plans and then canceling at the last minute with a text message - with a sad face, no less - was incredibly fickle, disrespectful, and rude.

But, on a deeper note, I'm put off by how you're not really giving me a chance. No, I am not the most polished, smooth talker in the world, and maybe that's what you want - someone who will charm you and keep you at arm's length and play games with you and treat you like shit. I don't think it is a problem specific to you. Many American women have this problem. But if you had given me a chance you'd be surprised at what you'd find and what'd you'd feel. Trust me. But you couldn't even do that.

I'll tell you something. The perfect man is never going to come around. He doesn't exist. And you know what? If you're looking for someone like me, but a little more this and a little more that, don't hold your breath. People like me aren't that common either. I am so fucking sick of women's pickiness.

I'm doing this more to speak my mind, not to beg you to give me a second look. Do not worry, by doing this you've firmly placed yourself in the category of women I don't want. And don't bother writing me back a note saying "you're a great guy, you're wonderful, I'm sure you'll find ..." You don't mean it. Think of this as me doing you a favor. You only have so many chances in life.

One thing you must know, my friend is an amazing person. She is smart, beautiful, and hilarious. She is the most wonderfully accepting and non-judgmental person I know. She gave this guy 3 dates and was lined up to give him another chance, hoping that with time and energy she would develop feelings for him beyond friendship. She was willing to see him again despite her gut feeling because, basically, she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ultimately, she chose to be honest rather than give him false hope, which I found an admirable and difficult decision.

I'm sure you're all reacting to the above message the same way I did. I probably don't need to point out all the awful things or how out of line he was. I just want to say that for someone who was so quick to call my friend rude and disrespectful for canceling on him last minute, he sure was eager to surpass her with those ignorant criticisms and accusations. And how did my friend respond?

For the last minute rude cancellation I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I was in fact feeling fickle so as not to lead you on. I go by getting a feeling about someone and I don't know the protocol for giving someone a chance, we had 3 dates and I was still mostly feeling friendship. I have a lot of walls up and I am more comfortable being on my own unless absolutely moved by someone. In no way do I mean to condescend to you, I think it is my loss- but I feel strongly about how feelings develop for someone. I'm sorry if my text message was lame, I did not know you would find a sad face so reprehensible. You are right, many women are picky and fickle as are many men. I think if it's the right match it will just work, or at least that's what I'm banking on. You are a good talker and that's what I like about you, but I felt like I had given it a chance. I don't know what the right thing to do is or how to do it, it's not a conspiracy, and I am unhappy this ended on such a sour note. I'm not a bitch, I just have dreams of romantic grandeur- so sue me. Maybe I won't meet someone, maybe I need to give people more of a "chance", but for right now I cannot go against what I feel is right. Take Care.

She wrote back with such grace and respect. What a woman. She doesn't deserve this shit.

Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Good About Myself?

This morning I found myself in a bit of a conversation with a gentleman from New London. It's become difficult for me to conjure up any real enthusiasm for talking to new fellas, but I was trying to stay open-minded with this guy Elborito. He said some silly things, asked if I'd ever played volleyball and said we had a lot in common (but wouldn't specify what when I asked). Anyway, I was pretending some level of interest until he jumped the shark with the following comment.

"I actually like tall women."

Wow. Great. First of all, I'll give it to him that he, like many other guys, doesn't understand how wording can change the connotation of a phrase. I will assume that he was just trying to reassure me that my height (5 feet, 11 inches) was attractive. But how does it actually sound? Bad. It sounds bad. He, unlike other people apparently, likes women who are tall. News flash, Elborito: I think most people* (both women and men) admire and aspire to women of stature. Thanks for trying to single yourself out as someone who could actually appreciate my attributes.

*Shorter guys generally stick to smaller girls because they are taught to feel manly from a young age. However, shorter guys usually have twisted egos and identity issues. I decided to leave them out of this. 

How Not to Message a Match: Curb the Desperation

I just got what is apparently the third email from a guy named Brian. I honestly couldn't remember having conversed with him before, so I checked. I had indeed received previous emails from him, one of which I replied to. I was friendly but not exactly inviting. His recent email opener? He was "thinking of me yesterday". Brian isn't aware of the line between sweet longing and obnoxious desperation. This has been a common problem, I've noticed, from a lot of online-daters. A little too much, much too soon.

A Conversation Doomed to Failure

The following is a chat transcript from earlier today with a guy I was immediately not attracted to from his use of the double Q.

me: hi
him: What's going on?
?
just hangin out
Exciting stuff.
yeah you?
Doing something incredibly nerdy. Trying to get videos from my laptop to play on my Xbox.
nerd aleeert
So? I think it's pretty awesome.
you said it was nerdy
i was just agreeing with you
I think being nerdy is cool.
ok
Apparently you disagree.
what gives you that impression
so far all i've done is agree
You just didn't seem all that interested, I guess.
ohhhh
it actually doesnt sound that nerdy
it's not like youre arranging your star wars action figures
into an accurate fight sequence set up
Nah, I only have a few left and I don't play with them. Just for display.
Most were a gift from my roommate.
ah
At least I admit to it.
um
is that better?
They're bobbleheads and they were a gift.
ok
Is it wrong to have a hobby and things you like? It's not like it's hurting anyone.
ok
ah um ok. What's with the one-word responses?
i dont know what to say
I don't see why I have to defend harmless things. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a nice guy who has a lot of interests. Why are you asking me "is that better"?
um i'm not really sure what's going on

huh?

well it was nice to meet you but i have to go!

After this conversation took place, I felt guilty. Frankly, I think he was a weirdo and turned what could have been sarcastic banter into an emotional argument, and really who wants to argue like that with a stranger? I was just being me, perhaps an edgy kind of honest that brings out the defensive in some. My buddy told me I'm just "real" and people are "kinda wacky". That made me feel better.

photo link here

Don't Double Question Mark Me, Please

If you try to talk to me and I take "too long" to answer a question, deal with it. Do not give me a the double "?". Usually if I'm slow to respond it means I'm not interested. So maybe you can tell I'm not interested so you're feeling a little desperate, maybe a little insecure. Don't compensate for that by being extra needy and inquisitive. It's actually not attractive at all.

Bottom Line: Don't double Q me! Just wait for me to respond!

The Joy of Fake Profiles

And again. Here's an example of a wonderful fake profile... or foreign lady profile. The line between the two gets blurred sometimes.

am seeking for the right man to share the rest of my life together with

I'm a very kind and cheerful person. I have a lot of friends and they like to spend their time with me, because they are not bored with me. I have a very good sense of humor and I adore jokes. I'm a one-man woman and I'm tender, romantic and honest. I believe that the main things in the serious relations are honesty, respect and understanding. I'm very respectful and I love children. I know that I will be a loving and passionate wife for my husband and a good and caring mother for my future children. I'm a very good mistress and I like to do all the work about the house. I believe that woman's task is to keep house clean and tidy, to be a queen in the kitchen and to care about her husband. In my house everything is always clean and cozy. I'm a very active person.

The Joy of Fake Profiles

My Match buddy has long been suspicious of fake lady profiles. I was naively skeptical but he convinced me with only a few examples. The following is a particularly good one.

I'm outgoing, busy, love to meet new people and enjoy going out and staying in. According to a personality/work style assessment I did at work recently I have "sparkle, zest and vigor" and have been described by close friends as feisty. I'm pretty sarcastic and it's one of the first things people normally notice about me. I am a fun fearless female who enjoys going out and trying new things. I would have to say I am an open-minded compassionate person who you'd find laughing at herself 20 times a day. I love to have fun with everything. I take trying times with a positive approach and know there is a deeper meaning behind it. I believe that everyone who comes into your life has a purpose of being there. I am basically an easygoing, down-to-earth woman looking for someone that I can be myself around. Someone that is equally happy going out or staying in. I love witty banter and conversations that leave both parties a bit wiser. I want someone who is genuine, kind, and can laugh with and at life. I would love to meet a man who is not afraid to show his feelings, someone who has ability to not just see the world in black and white, but to also be able to see it in between. In return I have plenty to offer to that special someone! I know how to make my special person feel appreciated, valued and much more. One other thing is that I’m not a member yet since I just wanted to get a good feel for it here. If I can’t be reached here though, I can also be found at another place I’m at named freshmatchup- that would most likely be your best bet. I will give all of myself 100 % to the right person. I have a natural gift of making people feel better physically and emotionally, and I am looking for that special someone to share this gift with!

Is this the description of a girl every guy wants? Really? Sparkle, zest, and vigor? Should I double quote that? Oh, what else... she likes laughing; she's down to earth; she knows how to "make her special person feel appreciated, valued, and much more"... ooo, spicy! Well, as soon as you start thinking "Wow she seems cool AND horny", she hits you with a surprise: you have to create an account at another online dating site to talk to her.

If the above summary isn't proof enough, here are the gold signs of a fake profile:

1. One Photo. Especially if she's hot, skinny, wearing a lot of make-up, and has a big rack. Don't you think she would be getting hit on enough without the help of an online dating service?
2. No Specific Interests. Because coming up with interests is so hard for those fake profile-makers. If the left side of her Match profile is blank, it's a bad sign. Real girls love sharing stuff about themselves.
3. Interested in Anyone. If she's looking for anyone between 3 and 7 feet tall and who speaks any language, she's probably not really looking.

How to Read a Profile

Be weary of men who say LOL.
(Warning: This one might be a personal pet-peeve.)

Of all the acronyms employed in common online banter, LOL bugs me like a lot. It doesn't mean anything. You're not laughing out loud. You're probably not even smiling. It doesn't make a conversation any less awkward. And it's so passe! Use some new abbreviations!

Bottom Line: There was an age of shortening words out of convenience/nouveau coolness. That time has passed. Don't use it in your profile, please. 

P.S. Girls- doesn't it make a guy sound just a wee bit... girly?

photo link here

Tell Me About Your Undies!

I just got the following email:

Sometimes I wear Superman underwear to work.

Great.