How Not to Message a Match: Really Ridiculous Spelling Errors

Four words are sometimes enough to judge a person. Case in point: the following message sent by a Tall, Dark, and Hansom 19 year old who missed some schooling. I'm quoting him on that-- not handsome, but hansom.

Hay
babe wats up

He had me at Hay.

How to Message a Match: Compliment Me--A Lot!

Maybe you'll find this one over the top. It is a bit showy (his heart stopped dead?) and it certainly breaks that rule of mine about keeping it short and sweet. But gosh, I am a big fan of this email. I might just read it again a few times... right... now

So here's my dilemma. Do I compliment you on having the most luminescent smile I've seen in ages? (I'm a sucker for a beautiful smile, and yours just made my heart stop dead). Or do I give you kudos for the Mr. Big reference? (I've also been known to belt that one out in a Karaoke bar, but probably don't do it as much justice as you do). Or do I mention how much I love "dog people"? Or how much I adore tall women? Or should I compliment you for having the most original and funny screen name on the site?

In all honesty, I think it was the smile that really got me more than anything, and everything else was a bonus. I'm sure with a smile like that, you get inundated with emails like this, so please don't feel obligated to reply. I just felt compelled to write something, because.... damn, that smile and those cheekbones completely nailed me, and caused a big smile to break out on my own face.

Anyway, I wish you all the very best and I'm sure that with your smile and your wonderful sense of humor, you will find exactly what it is you're looking for, and he will be one incredibly lucky man.

xxx
Tony

How to Message a Match: Compliment Me!

This was a really nice email.

when a girl puts her hair up with a pencil, parts of my brain malfunction in the nicest way.

normally when i compose a message, im a million times more verbose, but im not feeling very well. thus, i'll take the more direct approach and say that you seem both cute and interesting. congratulations. its a very nice combination to have.

robert

Thanks, Robert!

How Not to Message a Match: Another Wonderful Example

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Hi, My name is Don I play guitar and love having fun in life. You are very pretty and I would love to get to know you better. I am a graphic designer and I own a place in Norwich. I have goals in life and I like to complete them and also like having fun in life too. Talk to you soon hopefully! Words can’t describe how beautiful you are. I am a very outgoing guy and I know how to have fun. After we get to know each other I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Noooooooooo, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

How to Message a Match: Just Say Hi

I liked this email:

Well, I was going to go the easy way and just send you a woo- but I used them all up on a bunch of dickheads.

So, uh. Nice bike.

-steve

I don't quite get what he means by using all of his "woos" up on "dickheads", but the whole approach is fresh and silly and little more my style. You know, gents, my opinion is you don't have to put too much useful stuff in the conversation broaching message. The point is to start something, so just say hi! Thanks, Steve!

How Not to Message a Match: Don't Talk About My Band That Way

I received the following e-mail today from a one streamerface*.

You seem awesome. I love to laugh as much as you and I have a feeling that we would get each other rolling on the floor. How was your weekend? City and Colour is ok but I really love Iron and Wine.

So we had a great start on this one. Leading with a compliment is always good in my book (remember, I like compliments). Now the next bit is kind of awkward... "rolling on the floor"? OK, sure we'll let it slide. So he chooses to follow with a generic, harmless question--he knows he has to get the conversation ball moving and then BOOM!

Do not tell me that my favorite band is "ok".**

And let's get something straight. In my profile I rave about this band. This is not some sort of unfair trap. He broached a conversation based on explicit information provided on my page. Is he trying to antagonize me? Get a friendly debate going? No, he's probably just thinking he's pretty cool for having heard of City and Colour. And, oh wait, he knows another band that's BETTER!*** Streamerface's e-mail did not win my heart.

*His screenname isn't actually streamerface but it's funnier this way.

**I would have accepted such comments as "I like that album, too", "He's a talented musician", or "I know the one you're talking about. I think you'd like Iron & Wine, too".

***I am a huge fan of Iron & Wine, but that seems besides the point.

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".

How to be an Asshole

A friend of mine cancelled a date today on the premise that she wasn't interested in the guy romantically. She apologized and tried to bring him down with tact and honesty. Granted, it was via text but she felt uncomfortable doing it over the phone, a method of communication they had not used. It's never a good situation, turning someone down, but that's the world of dating: fuck or get fucked. He texted a lackluster conciliatory response but then hit her with the following scathing e-mail.

This is the last time I'm going to contact you. I just wanted to let you know how I resent what you just did. I was not deeply in love with you or anything, but I thought that making these plans and then canceling at the last minute with a text message - with a sad face, no less - was incredibly fickle, disrespectful, and rude.

But, on a deeper note, I'm put off by how you're not really giving me a chance. No, I am not the most polished, smooth talker in the world, and maybe that's what you want - someone who will charm you and keep you at arm's length and play games with you and treat you like shit. I don't think it is a problem specific to you. Many American women have this problem. But if you had given me a chance you'd be surprised at what you'd find and what'd you'd feel. Trust me. But you couldn't even do that.

I'll tell you something. The perfect man is never going to come around. He doesn't exist. And you know what? If you're looking for someone like me, but a little more this and a little more that, don't hold your breath. People like me aren't that common either. I am so fucking sick of women's pickiness.

I'm doing this more to speak my mind, not to beg you to give me a second look. Do not worry, by doing this you've firmly placed yourself in the category of women I don't want. And don't bother writing me back a note saying "you're a great guy, you're wonderful, I'm sure you'll find ..." You don't mean it. Think of this as me doing you a favor. You only have so many chances in life.

One thing you must know, my friend is an amazing person. She is smart, beautiful, and hilarious. She is the most wonderfully accepting and non-judgmental person I know. She gave this guy 3 dates and was lined up to give him another chance, hoping that with time and energy she would develop feelings for him beyond friendship. She was willing to see him again despite her gut feeling because, basically, she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ultimately, she chose to be honest rather than give him false hope, which I found an admirable and difficult decision.

I'm sure you're all reacting to the above message the same way I did. I probably don't need to point out all the awful things or how out of line he was. I just want to say that for someone who was so quick to call my friend rude and disrespectful for canceling on him last minute, he sure was eager to surpass her with those ignorant criticisms and accusations. And how did my friend respond?

For the last minute rude cancellation I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I was in fact feeling fickle so as not to lead you on. I go by getting a feeling about someone and I don't know the protocol for giving someone a chance, we had 3 dates and I was still mostly feeling friendship. I have a lot of walls up and I am more comfortable being on my own unless absolutely moved by someone. In no way do I mean to condescend to you, I think it is my loss- but I feel strongly about how feelings develop for someone. I'm sorry if my text message was lame, I did not know you would find a sad face so reprehensible. You are right, many women are picky and fickle as are many men. I think if it's the right match it will just work, or at least that's what I'm banking on. You are a good talker and that's what I like about you, but I felt like I had given it a chance. I don't know what the right thing to do is or how to do it, it's not a conspiracy, and I am unhappy this ended on such a sour note. I'm not a bitch, I just have dreams of romantic grandeur- so sue me. Maybe I won't meet someone, maybe I need to give people more of a "chance", but for right now I cannot go against what I feel is right. Take Care.

She wrote back with such grace and respect. What a woman. She doesn't deserve this shit.

How Not to Message a Match: Curb the Desperation

I just got what is apparently the third email from a guy named Brian. I honestly couldn't remember having conversed with him before, so I checked. I had indeed received previous emails from him, one of which I replied to. I was friendly but not exactly inviting. His recent email opener? He was "thinking of me yesterday". Brian isn't aware of the line between sweet longing and obnoxious desperation. This has been a common problem, I've noticed, from a lot of online-daters. A little too much, much too soon.

Don't Double Question Mark Me, Please

If you try to talk to me and I take "too long" to answer a question, deal with it. Do not give me a the double "?". Usually if I'm slow to respond it means I'm not interested. So maybe you can tell I'm not interested so you're feeling a little desperate, maybe a little insecure. Don't compensate for that by being extra needy and inquisitive. It's actually not attractive at all.

Bottom Line: Don't double Q me! Just wait for me to respond!

Tell Me About Your Undies!

I just got the following email:

Sometimes I wear Superman underwear to work.

Great.