How Not to Message a Match: Really Ridiculous Spelling Errors

Four words are sometimes enough to judge a person. Case in point: the following message sent by a Tall, Dark, and Hansom 19 year old who missed some schooling. I'm quoting him on that-- not handsome, but hansom.

Hay
babe wats up

He had me at Hay.

How Not to Message a Match: Another Wonderful Example

Bad. Bad. Bad.

Hi, My name is Don I play guitar and love having fun in life. You are very pretty and I would love to get to know you better. I am a graphic designer and I own a place in Norwich. I have goals in life and I like to complete them and also like having fun in life too. Talk to you soon hopefully! Words can’t describe how beautiful you are. I am a very outgoing guy and I know how to have fun. After we get to know each other I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Noooooooooo, thaaaaaaaaaaaanks.

Story Time: Getting Hit On

Mostly, I enjoy getting hit on. Mostly, they make for fun stories. The following are my most recent/favorite.

Last week the fed-ex guy told me I had gorgeous eyes. He also noted that I was "all alone" in the back room. I felt uncomfortable.

A few days previously, a high schooler (presumably) yelled out, "Nice ass!" while biking by on his low-rider. He biked away too fast for me to shout, "Thanks!" and wave. Or maybe the appropriate response was to scoff?

My favorite hitting-on story was a mid-run attempt. I was jogging the dam, passing fellow humans without much more than a smile or a nod when I was caught unawares. He let me walk by, casual as can be. I thought the clomping behind me was my imagination until I realized that the clomping wasn't my imagination. The clomping was coming from a work-booted, spritely young gentleman jogging to my immediate left. I can't remember if it was only a few seconds or 30 before I removed my earbuds but I know the conversation had started without me. He was somewhere into commenting on the length and natural arc of my stride when I could finally understand him. He asked me why I ran. I'm not sure what he was expecting but I said I liked it and it kept me in shape. Why he found that surprising I may never understand. One comment led to another and eventually he deemed a formal introduction appropriate: I found myself shaking hands while jogging. It was awkward and kind of annoying, actually. He was ballsy, though. I'll always respect a guy with balls.

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".

Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Good About Myself?

This morning I found myself in a bit of a conversation with a gentleman from New London. It's become difficult for me to conjure up any real enthusiasm for talking to new fellas, but I was trying to stay open-minded with this guy Elborito. He said some silly things, asked if I'd ever played volleyball and said we had a lot in common (but wouldn't specify what when I asked). Anyway, I was pretending some level of interest until he jumped the shark with the following comment.

"I actually like tall women."

Wow. Great. First of all, I'll give it to him that he, like many other guys, doesn't understand how wording can change the connotation of a phrase. I will assume that he was just trying to reassure me that my height (5 feet, 11 inches) was attractive. But how does it actually sound? Bad. It sounds bad. He, unlike other people apparently, likes women who are tall. News flash, Elborito: I think most people* (both women and men) admire and aspire to women of stature. Thanks for trying to single yourself out as someone who could actually appreciate my attributes.

*Shorter guys generally stick to smaller girls because they are taught to feel manly from a young age. However, shorter guys usually have twisted egos and identity issues. I decided to leave them out of this. 

How Not to Message a Match: Curb the Desperation

I just got what is apparently the third email from a guy named Brian. I honestly couldn't remember having conversed with him before, so I checked. I had indeed received previous emails from him, one of which I replied to. I was friendly but not exactly inviting. His recent email opener? He was "thinking of me yesterday". Brian isn't aware of the line between sweet longing and obnoxious desperation. This has been a common problem, I've noticed, from a lot of online-daters. A little too much, much too soon.

A Conversation Doomed to Failure

The following is a chat transcript from earlier today with a guy I was immediately not attracted to from his use of the double Q.

me: hi
him: What's going on?
?
just hangin out
Exciting stuff.
yeah you?
Doing something incredibly nerdy. Trying to get videos from my laptop to play on my Xbox.
nerd aleeert
So? I think it's pretty awesome.
you said it was nerdy
i was just agreeing with you
I think being nerdy is cool.
ok
Apparently you disagree.
what gives you that impression
so far all i've done is agree
You just didn't seem all that interested, I guess.
ohhhh
it actually doesnt sound that nerdy
it's not like youre arranging your star wars action figures
into an accurate fight sequence set up
Nah, I only have a few left and I don't play with them. Just for display.
Most were a gift from my roommate.
ah
At least I admit to it.
um
is that better?
They're bobbleheads and they were a gift.
ok
Is it wrong to have a hobby and things you like? It's not like it's hurting anyone.
ok
ah um ok. What's with the one-word responses?
i dont know what to say
I don't see why I have to defend harmless things. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I'm a nice guy who has a lot of interests. Why are you asking me "is that better"?
um i'm not really sure what's going on

huh?

well it was nice to meet you but i have to go!

After this conversation took place, I felt guilty. Frankly, I think he was a weirdo and turned what could have been sarcastic banter into an emotional argument, and really who wants to argue like that with a stranger? I was just being me, perhaps an edgy kind of honest that brings out the defensive in some. My buddy told me I'm just "real" and people are "kinda wacky". That made me feel better.

photo link here

Tell Me About Your Undies!

I just got the following email:

Sometimes I wear Superman underwear to work.

Great.

Ridiculous Profile of the Week: Just a Snippet

I was just about to send this guy a message that said, "Wow. You're really cute. What's the catch?" Then I read his profile .

I would rather keep myself a mistery and not write about me just like I would not read about the other person so that I could have my own impression cause half the fun to me is just getting to know someone.


Looks like I found my answer. Is this an example of me being overly-judgmental?