Profile No-No: Multiple Paragraphs

Guys! Stop writing so much in your profiles!

Actually--girls! Stop it, too!

I know, you want to tell everyone out there all of your wonderful qualities and, darn, once you get started it's just so hard to stop. Stop! Find another outlet! Dating sites are not the space to glorify yourself. Get a blog! That's kind of what I did... Back to the point! I'm tired of scrolling down to the About Me section to find paragraphs of information on dreams and family problems and favorite... everything. Guys: do you really have the time, energy, and daftness to share so much about yourself with ANY girl who passes over your page? You might as well clear it all and write "I am desperate for some girl to read all this and laugh and love me. Any girl. You? Please?". GAH!

Bottom line: Gentlemen, I'll stop using so many exclamation points if you stop saying so much about yourselves.

How to Read a Profile

Beware of men with long hair.

I mean, seriously--it's weird. I'm not talking about shaggy hair or cool slicked-back hair that hits below the ears. I'm talking past the shoulders. Think Fabio, think Taylor Lautner werewolf-Twilight style,  think girl.  If I could mistake you for a girl, I'm not interested. What is up with that style anyway? Is it the manly "if I can grow it, I shall" mentality gone too far? Is it an aspiration to resemble Legolas? Or a medieval knight?

Fine. I admit this is a totally superficial post. Feel free to disagree with my opinion, as usual. I just wanted to talk about it for a second since I found a profile this morning of what I thought was a girl but turned out to be a dude with extremely long curly locks. Gross. Or power to him, I guess.

Communication Breakdown

Down with technology!

Online talking is well and good until, oh wait--it's not anymore. Fake* communication, if not balanced by real communication, results in a relationship chasm. Chasms are bad. People fall into them and die. Or more likely, they're deemed un-passable and mission is cancelled. The metaphor works.

Experience has taught me that human contact is integral to forming a meaningful relationship. Go ahead: call me insightful. So how does all this technology hinder our relationships? Knowing someone isn't about getting her answers to personal questions or being able to comment on her current facebook status. Knowing someone is what happens after you've been around her for a while. Do you know her facial expressions? Do you know her weaknesses? Her strengths? Do you know when she's lying? When she's avoiding you? When she's happy? To see YOU!? Knowing happens over time, and knowing happens in person.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are people capable of forming strong ties with typed words. I have had no such success. With so many methods of communication, humans have become lazy and complacent. Men have become lazy and complacent. Women have let them. I have let them.

Why should I expect him to ask me out when he can contact me without putting himself on the line? Because I'm worth more. Because you are worth more. Because good women are worth the effort, worth the risk, worth the embarrassment, worth the possibility of rejection. A good man knows that. A good man tries.

Bottom Line: Typing does not boyfriends make. Conversations without physical presence lead to relationships without physical presence...Wow. How obvious is that?

*Fake communication refers to communication without personal contact: texting, aiming, facebooking, and whatever else kids do these days.

Is He Single?

How do you know if the guy you're interested in is actually single?

Sigh. You learn how to tell when someone is lying.

Story: I met a guy in Texas a few months ago; a sweet, charming, sexy guy who couldn't quite manage to get the good from me came close enough to seem single. After some innocent facebook stalking* upon my return home, I realized he was attached. Oops.

So what about online? I imagine it's harder to tell. You can't read body language through emails or chatting. Yahoo is spotlighting an article right now on this very topic, if you're interested... 5 Signs You May be Dating an E-Cheater

People cheat sometimes. Sometimes they convince themselves it's not cheating. Sometimes they only  convince the ones they're wooing. If a dude wants to lie, he will. My advice: trust your gut. But don't let that stop you from taking risks. If he's cheating, you'll find out eventually. Maybe you'll even learning something. Then I can put it in my blog.

*That's right: stalking can be innocent.

How Not to Message a Match: Don't Talk About My Band That Way

I received the following e-mail today from a one streamerface*.

You seem awesome. I love to laugh as much as you and I have a feeling that we would get each other rolling on the floor. How was your weekend? City and Colour is ok but I really love Iron and Wine.

So we had a great start on this one. Leading with a compliment is always good in my book (remember, I like compliments). Now the next bit is kind of awkward... "rolling on the floor"? OK, sure we'll let it slide. So he chooses to follow with a generic, harmless question--he knows he has to get the conversation ball moving and then BOOM!

Do not tell me that my favorite band is "ok".**

And let's get something straight. In my profile I rave about this band. This is not some sort of unfair trap. He broached a conversation based on explicit information provided on my page. Is he trying to antagonize me? Get a friendly debate going? No, he's probably just thinking he's pretty cool for having heard of City and Colour. And, oh wait, he knows another band that's BETTER!*** Streamerface's e-mail did not win my heart.

*His screenname isn't actually streamerface but it's funnier this way.

**I would have accepted such comments as "I like that album, too", "He's a talented musician", or "I know the one you're talking about. I think you'd like Iron & Wine, too".

***I am a huge fan of Iron & Wine, but that seems besides the point.

How Not to Message a Match: An Intimate Message

I am a 28 year old 175 pounds 511 white male looking for a sweet lady to possibly spend a little time with and get to know. I have been been working to much lately and yes i need some excitement in my life.I live in Hebron Ct actually i grow up in mansfield. I work construction but you would never tell by looking at me :P, very cute and young looking. Will send you a pic if any of this interests u. I have never actually meet anyone from the internet before but I'm always up for something new. This is the first time on okcupid... U are my first to message ,lol lucky u :P Hopefully your real and u like what ya hear
Curran

This message arrived in my OKCupid inbox this morning. Lucky me, indeed. Is he real? Probably... but he's definitely a newbie. What's he thinking giving me his stats like some kind of race horse? Dislike. Sorry, Curran, none of this (U, :P, ..., "grow up in Mansfield", "some excitement in my life", "you would never tell by looking at me", "young looking", "will send you a pic", "never actually meet anyone", "like what ya hear") interests me.

P.S. OKCupid refers to all their email-style messages as "intimate".