Dear One Year

Dear One Year,

It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.

A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.

A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.

I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.

The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.

It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.

I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.

You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.

Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.

So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.

Fuck you for breaking my heart.

You Don't Get What You're Searching For

I went on a date last night. It was good. I was nervous up until the moment we exchanged hello. We drank water from giant mason jars, exchanged stories and shared similarities that I found surprising (and hoped were good signs). He was clean. Clean! I like clean. We spent over two hours talking at the bar (I lost my voice from talking so loud--cool, right). Today, I'm anxious and bored.

Every time I meet someone, I hope he's it. Maybe that's my problem.

A New Year

I have conquered bad habits.
I have paid off a debt.
I have made decisions.
I have struggled to move forward.

Last year was difficult.
Last year was a test of my strength.

This year will be my reward.

Prince Charming

A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew. Every time I see her, she mentions him. Sometimes she tells me something new about him. Sometimes she just says the same thing--how she is still trying. Every Christmas she has an open house and invites all her neighbors and family and coworkers. I stopped by for lunch. Very quickly. Her nephew was going to be there but he wasn't. I wasn't too disappointed actually. She was though.

The next time I saw her she told me that she brought in a photo of him. It was was from three years ago. Does he look the same? She says that his jaw is a little stronger, he has a few lines around his eyes from being out in the sun, and he's had so much free time recently that he's been working out more. When I saw the picture of him, it was too good to be true. Like Prince Charming in a Disney movie.

Before, I was skeptical if I would ever end up meeting him. Now I'm sure it won't happen. I can not even imagine a guy that good looking wanting me.

Falling In Love All The Time

I fell in love a little bit with a fellow who needed some help using a copier. He looked me right in the eyes and he had the biggest grin on his face. That's all it took.

Just Like All The Others

I went on another date.

It was fine. He was fine. He was nice enough, pleasant enough, talkative, guyish, normal looking, smart enough, interesting enough, employed, happy, honest. It was fine and it was like all the other dates.

I wasn't enthralled and I wasn't excited and after about 15 minutes I was keeping track of my beer and counting down to the time we would go. When I met him, I was looking downwards. He told a few stories that only ended after I cut him off. Maybe I'm impatient and wait, maybe my standards are too high. Should I not be looking for a guy who's taller than me? Who's rugged with nice skin who can make me laugh?

This guy told me later that he felt surprisingly comfortable around me. I think I have that effect on people or at least I've heard it before. I like that. I like that I make people feel comfortable. And I liked that he didn't try to kiss me or assume that we would hug or that he asked me out immediately at the end of our date.

Online dating creates an environment where I feel pressured to feel an attraction, analyze my feelings. Don't the best relationships come out of nowhere? When you're distracted by someone else or with someone you never thought you'd want?

Yet shouldn't there be something there? He was shorter than me and why do I always feel guilty for not liking these guys? Because if I don't like any of them, I'm choosing to be single.

I'm taking another break from this stuff. Maybe for good. As a friend put it, online dating is a stream of superficial attention followed by a series of letdowns. I'm not built for this style of dating. Or for going on so many dates that go nowhere.

A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew anyway. I'll just use that as my current distraction.

Bad Days And Good Days

Yesterday was a bad day.

I saw my ex a few days ago at a work function--a 12 hour long work function. The day went very well compared to how I feared it would go. But I think seeing my ex again was a shock to my system. We were awkward. We were professional. We were weird.

He bought me lunch which felt really nice and maybe did me in a little. I talked to his mom a few times and that made me miss him a little more. And I saw him looking happy and excited which really made me nostalgic.

I cried yesterday on my drive to work. The car is the best place to cry, really. Ideally crying in the car should be done when it's dark out. Sometimes though those tears start coming and it's 8am. I let it happen. And one of the things about crying is that just doing it is sad. I don't want to be crying about being lonely AGAIN. When will I stop crying about how things ended up with my ex-boyfriend? When will I not miss him enough to cry about it? The thought that ran through my head was, "I don't want to live my life day to day wondering if I still miss him. I don't want to be alone and sad." Am I doing something wrong? Am I grieving in the wrong way? Am I holding on to something instead of letting it go? Is this normal? Am I ok? Will I be over this soon? How long before I'm really happy again?

But on bad days it's easy to forget that there are good days. And it seems like the day after a bad day is a good day. The next day is always better. Today is better. I've eaten two donuts.

More Dating

I met a guy today. An arranged guy meeting thing. He was cool. He had nice hair and a nice short beard and he rode a bike and likes coffee and likes the movie Aliens and knows how to bake bread. He was good at eye contact and smiling and I still felt awkward talking to him. I don't know why. He didn't ask for my number which I didn't realize I was waiting for until I went in to hug him. We hugged. It was fine. I felt awkward. I left.

What am I doing?

Dating

I'm back in the pool. Back on OKcupid. Back to that task of meeting new people, unsure how I will feel about them.

I met a guy yesterday. It was fine. I am ever impressed by men who ask questions. Why? I've met plenty of guys who do that. Maybe it's a sign that these guys have been dating a while. They're used to these getting-to-know-you conversations, just like I am. I'll probably see him again. Meh.

I'm meeting a guy today. He's shorter than me. It's raining. I'm cold. I want to wear my boots but they would make me nearly half a foot taller than him. I hope you understand why that precludes me to wear flats. It matters. It matters to me. I don't enjoy feeling like a giant when meeting a guy in a potentially romantic light. But then again, maybe I'll wear the boots. My feet are cold.

I'm meeting a few more guys next week, it would seem. I want something special and I want to meet someone different. I want to be excited. i had this intense feeling a little while ago--that I don't to meet a stranger. I want to meet someone I like, someone I know I had fun with. I want to be excited.

In two weeks I'll most definitely be seeing my ex-boyfriend. For an entire work day, no almost 12 hours I will most definitely be in near proximity to my ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not physically seen since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not spoken words out loud to since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend who broke my heart, who I loved more than anyone who showed me how much I was capable of caring for someone. Needless to say, I'm anxious. I know he will be civil at the very least. Likely he will be friendly. No doubt he will be professional and helpful, as we it is a work function. But I'm anxious about my own feelings. Will this day be miserable? Will I be emotional? Will I miss him more than I have been? Or will this day free me?

I rejoined OKCupid for activity and distraction. I want to be trying. I want to be moving forward.

Bartender

I went on a date with a bartender. Two dates, actually. He asked me out. I'm pretty sure I'm living in a slightly obnoxious romantic comedy.

See, the thing is I went on a blind date at this bar and the bartender there, well I remembered him from a night a month or so ago. He was a sky-diver and his name was Scotty. That's how I remembered his name. He was easy to talk to and sort of fun and it was cool to KNOW a bartender. I think he recognized me that night, sitting next to this awful date at the bar.

The date? He was a talker. This was a really cliched scene from my movie. Girl meets guy, girl has high hopes, guy is nuts. Every time I wanted to say something, my mouth would open and I'd make a noise--bringing the word to my lips. I would be AUDIBLE noise, mind you. The sort of noise a person makes that ques the "listener" (this guy was not one) to listen. TO LISTEN. Every time I wanted to say something, he beat me to it and already launched into a new topic. The weather. His college days. His new jobs. His lack of free time, friends, money, girlfriend. How his father got his job. God. There was no end. And sometimes I had a lot to say!

There was one great moment when I was responding to something he said about making friends. I was saying one of those things that is just supporting the other person, keep him talking. That IS what I was reduced to after about 20 minutes. I was nodding and said, "Yeah, how do you make friends? Just say hey, I you seem cool..." Date guy thought I was calling him cool. He thanked me enthusiastically. I had to go.

While I was sitting there I noticed bartender and wished my date would just leave and I could talk to him. He seemed cooler and more fun. I even thought about sneaking back in after calling it quits with date guy. But I didn't. I went to Whole Foods, my happy single place.

I went back to the bar the next day with my roommate after hitting a local festival. Bartender saw me, remembered me and talked to me. He liked me. Instantly I had a crush on bartender. I went back a few times, deciding maybe sometime I'd work up the nerve to ask to hang out.

One night, I went in alone. He wasn't working but I played it cool. I worked on my crossword puzzle and drank a beer squeezed between two strangers. Low and behold bartender showed up and flirted with me. He asked me out that night. He asked me out. HE. ASKED. ME. OUT.

It was magic. It was beautiful. I was amazed at how life happens. He asked me out and he was sweet and gentlemanly and fun and gallant.

How did it end? He was invasive with his tongue and I started comparing him to my ex-boyfriend and I stopped being excited. The third date didn't happen. You never know how it'll go, I guess.