<h4>Dear One Year</h4>

Dear One Year,

It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.

A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.

A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.

I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.

The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.

It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.

I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.

You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.

Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.

So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.

Fuck you for breaking my heart.