I think I went on my last online dating date.
Yes. I did. Even if I've said I was done before, this one was it.
This guy wasn't mean. He didn't stand me up. He wasn't like bizarrely old or bring his mom. He was pretty nice. And before I describe how much of a total nerd he was, I want to be clear how much I enjoy interesting people. I like it when people aren't boring, aren't trying to be something they're not. It will be clear how much I appreciate hygiene though. And that I do value physical appearance. At least some physical attraction is crucial to blind dates.
This guy didn't look like what I thought. From his pictures and the chatting we did, he seemed athletic and vibrant. In reality, he was doughy and sallow. OK. Not a deal breaker.
This guy greased his hair. It wasn't water. It didn't dry. He had lubed his hair forward. Not my thing. OK. Keep going.
His chest was concave. Like a spoon. Like if he laid on his back, I could put a huge lump of sugar on his chest. How does that happen? I don't know. The rest of him was soft and squishy--like a plumped up sponge. So porous. He must have been sweating all over--oozing. But his chest. He was wearing a nice shirt but it gapped in the middle. I could see inside his shirt to his soft, squishy, spongy skin. I'm getting mean, I know.
He had bad teeth. I like nice teeth. I could see his retainer behind his lower set of incisors. His cheeks were puffy. I'm sure it was all the extra teeth in his mouth trying to get out... through is cheeks. I could hear all the saliva in there moving around and his tongue clacking against the metal.
Pink spots on his cheeks. Pink acne spots on his squishy chipmunk cheeks.
Coke bottle glasses.
His fingers were moving the whole time. I was drawn to them, looking at his fidgeting fingers on the tabletop. He had a tiny piece of paper that he kept twisting around and tearing. Those pudgy fingers were so chewed up. Bad.
The worst part? The worst part of all. This guy obviously has to shave sometimes because I could see the area above and below his mouth were speckled. He had shaved recently, at least this one area of his face. The worst part? Three hairs. One. Two. Three. Hairs. On the side of jaw sprouting out. Three dark hairs poking out of his face.
We talked for an hour. He giggled and guffawed and chided me. I lamely planned out different escape procedures. And then I listened and tried to make the best of it. Then I stared at his hairs and his fingers and the people around me and I wondered, What am I doing here? Why am I doing this?
I left with a 'Take care' and a wave. I got home and deleted my account with a flourish for my own sake. I like to be dramatic.
Oh wait, the really worst part? We drive the same car. God, I hope that wasn't some sort of message.
Monday, May 26
Saturday, April 19
Dear One Year
Dear One Year,
It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.
A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.
A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.
I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.
The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.
It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.
I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.
You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.
Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.
So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.
Fuck you for breaking my heart.
It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.
A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.
A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.
I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.
The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.
It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.
I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.
You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.
Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.
So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.
Fuck you for breaking my heart.
Friday, February 21
You Don't Get What You're Searching For
I went on a date last night. It was good. I was nervous up until the moment we exchanged hello. We drank water from giant mason jars, exchanged stories and shared similarities that I found surprising (and hoped were good signs). He was clean. Clean! I like clean. We spent over two hours talking at the bar (I lost my voice from talking so loud--cool, right). Today, I'm anxious and bored.
Every time I meet someone, I hope he's it. Maybe that's my problem.
Every time I meet someone, I hope he's it. Maybe that's my problem.
Saturday, January 11
A New Year
I have conquered bad habits.
I have paid off a debt.
I have made decisions.
I have struggled to move forward.
Last year was difficult.
Last year was a test of my strength.
This year will be my reward.
I have paid off a debt.
I have made decisions.
I have struggled to move forward.
Last year was difficult.
Last year was a test of my strength.
This year will be my reward.
Prince Charming
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew. Every time I see her, she mentions him. Sometimes she tells me something new about him. Sometimes she just says the same thing--how she is still trying. Every Christmas she has an open house and invites all her neighbors and family and coworkers. I stopped by for lunch. Very quickly. Her nephew was going to be there but he wasn't. I wasn't too disappointed actually. She was though.
The next time I saw her she told me that she brought in a photo of him. It was was from three years ago. Does he look the same? She says that his jaw is a little stronger, he has a few lines around his eyes from being out in the sun, and he's had so much free time recently that he's been working out more. When I saw the picture of him, it was too good to be true. Like Prince Charming in a Disney movie.
Before, I was skeptical if I would ever end up meeting him. Now I'm sure it won't happen. I can not even imagine a guy that good looking wanting me.
The next time I saw her she told me that she brought in a photo of him. It was was from three years ago. Does he look the same? She says that his jaw is a little stronger, he has a few lines around his eyes from being out in the sun, and he's had so much free time recently that he's been working out more. When I saw the picture of him, it was too good to be true. Like Prince Charming in a Disney movie.
Before, I was skeptical if I would ever end up meeting him. Now I'm sure it won't happen. I can not even imagine a guy that good looking wanting me.
Falling In Love All The Time
I fell in love a little bit with a fellow who needed some help using a copier. He looked me right in the eyes and he had the biggest grin on his face. That's all it took.
Sunday, December 8
Just Like All The Others
I went on another date.
It was fine. He was fine. He was nice enough, pleasant enough, talkative, guyish, normal looking, smart enough, interesting enough, employed, happy, honest. It was fine and it was like all the other dates.
I wasn't enthralled and I wasn't excited and after about 15 minutes I was keeping track of my beer and counting down to the time we would go. When I met him, I was looking downwards. He told a few stories that only ended after I cut him off. Maybe I'm impatient and wait, maybe my standards are too high. Should I not be looking for a guy who's taller than me? Who's rugged with nice skin who can make me laugh?
This guy told me later that he felt surprisingly comfortable around me. I think I have that effect on people or at least I've heard it before. I like that. I like that I make people feel comfortable. And I liked that he didn't try to kiss me or assume that we would hug or that he asked me out immediately at the end of our date.
Online dating creates an environment where I feel pressured to feel an attraction, analyze my feelings. Don't the best relationships come out of nowhere? When you're distracted by someone else or with someone you never thought you'd want?
Yet shouldn't there be something there? He was shorter than me and why do I always feel guilty for not liking these guys? Because if I don't like any of them, I'm choosing to be single.
I'm taking another break from this stuff. Maybe for good. As a friend put it, online dating is a stream of superficial attention followed by a series of letdowns. I'm not built for this style of dating. Or for going on so many dates that go nowhere.
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew anyway. I'll just use that as my current distraction.
It was fine. He was fine. He was nice enough, pleasant enough, talkative, guyish, normal looking, smart enough, interesting enough, employed, happy, honest. It was fine and it was like all the other dates.
I wasn't enthralled and I wasn't excited and after about 15 minutes I was keeping track of my beer and counting down to the time we would go. When I met him, I was looking downwards. He told a few stories that only ended after I cut him off. Maybe I'm impatient and wait, maybe my standards are too high. Should I not be looking for a guy who's taller than me? Who's rugged with nice skin who can make me laugh?
This guy told me later that he felt surprisingly comfortable around me. I think I have that effect on people or at least I've heard it before. I like that. I like that I make people feel comfortable. And I liked that he didn't try to kiss me or assume that we would hug or that he asked me out immediately at the end of our date.
Online dating creates an environment where I feel pressured to feel an attraction, analyze my feelings. Don't the best relationships come out of nowhere? When you're distracted by someone else or with someone you never thought you'd want?
Yet shouldn't there be something there? He was shorter than me and why do I always feel guilty for not liking these guys? Because if I don't like any of them, I'm choosing to be single.
I'm taking another break from this stuff. Maybe for good. As a friend put it, online dating is a stream of superficial attention followed by a series of letdowns. I'm not built for this style of dating. Or for going on so many dates that go nowhere.
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew anyway. I'll just use that as my current distraction.
Wednesday, November 6
Bad Days And Good Days
Yesterday was a bad day.
I saw my ex a few days ago at a work function--a 12 hour long work function. The day went very well compared to how I feared it would go. But I think seeing my ex again was a shock to my system. We were awkward. We were professional. We were weird.
He bought me lunch which felt really nice and maybe did me in a little. I talked to his mom a few times and that made me miss him a little more. And I saw him looking happy and excited which really made me nostalgic.
I cried yesterday on my drive to work. The car is the best place to cry, really. Ideally crying in the car should be done when it's dark out. Sometimes though those tears start coming and it's 8am. I let it happen. And one of the things about crying is that just doing it is sad. I don't want to be crying about being lonely AGAIN. When will I stop crying about how things ended up with my ex-boyfriend? When will I not miss him enough to cry about it? The thought that ran through my head was, "I don't want to live my life day to day wondering if I still miss him. I don't want to be alone and sad." Am I doing something wrong? Am I grieving in the wrong way? Am I holding on to something instead of letting it go? Is this normal? Am I ok? Will I be over this soon? How long before I'm really happy again?
But on bad days it's easy to forget that there are good days. And it seems like the day after a bad day is a good day. The next day is always better. Today is better. I've eaten two donuts.
I saw my ex a few days ago at a work function--a 12 hour long work function. The day went very well compared to how I feared it would go. But I think seeing my ex again was a shock to my system. We were awkward. We were professional. We were weird.
He bought me lunch which felt really nice and maybe did me in a little. I talked to his mom a few times and that made me miss him a little more. And I saw him looking happy and excited which really made me nostalgic.
I cried yesterday on my drive to work. The car is the best place to cry, really. Ideally crying in the car should be done when it's dark out. Sometimes though those tears start coming and it's 8am. I let it happen. And one of the things about crying is that just doing it is sad. I don't want to be crying about being lonely AGAIN. When will I stop crying about how things ended up with my ex-boyfriend? When will I not miss him enough to cry about it? The thought that ran through my head was, "I don't want to live my life day to day wondering if I still miss him. I don't want to be alone and sad." Am I doing something wrong? Am I grieving in the wrong way? Am I holding on to something instead of letting it go? Is this normal? Am I ok? Will I be over this soon? How long before I'm really happy again?
But on bad days it's easy to forget that there are good days. And it seems like the day after a bad day is a good day. The next day is always better. Today is better. I've eaten two donuts.
Sunday, October 20
More Dating
I met a guy today. An arranged guy meeting thing. He was cool. He had nice hair and a nice short beard and he rode a bike and likes coffee and likes the movie Aliens and knows how to bake bread. He was good at eye contact and smiling and I still felt awkward talking to him. I don't know why. He didn't ask for my number which I didn't realize I was waiting for until I went in to hug him. We hugged. It was fine. I felt awkward. I left.
What am I doing?
What am I doing?
Dating
I'm back in the pool. Back on OKcupid. Back to that task of meeting new people, unsure how I will feel about them.
I met a guy yesterday. It was fine. I am ever impressed by men who ask questions. Why? I've met plenty of guys who do that. Maybe it's a sign that these guys have been dating a while. They're used to these getting-to-know-you conversations, just like I am. I'll probably see him again. Meh.
I'm meeting a guy today. He's shorter than me. It's raining. I'm cold. I want to wear my boots but they would make me nearly half a foot taller than him. I hope you understand why that precludes me to wear flats. It matters. It matters to me. I don't enjoy feeling like a giant when meeting a guy in a potentially romantic light. But then again, maybe I'll wear the boots. My feet are cold.
I'm meeting a few more guys next week, it would seem. I want something special and I want to meet someone different. I want to be excited. i had this intense feeling a little while ago--that I don't to meet a stranger. I want to meet someone I like, someone I know I had fun with. I want to be excited.
In two weeks I'll most definitely be seeing my ex-boyfriend. For an entire work day, no almost 12 hours I will most definitely be in near proximity to my ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not physically seen since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not spoken words out loud to since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend who broke my heart, who I loved more than anyone who showed me how much I was capable of caring for someone. Needless to say, I'm anxious. I know he will be civil at the very least. Likely he will be friendly. No doubt he will be professional and helpful, as we it is a work function. But I'm anxious about my own feelings. Will this day be miserable? Will I be emotional? Will I miss him more than I have been? Or will this day free me?
I rejoined OKCupid for activity and distraction. I want to be trying. I want to be moving forward.
I met a guy yesterday. It was fine. I am ever impressed by men who ask questions. Why? I've met plenty of guys who do that. Maybe it's a sign that these guys have been dating a while. They're used to these getting-to-know-you conversations, just like I am. I'll probably see him again. Meh.
I'm meeting a guy today. He's shorter than me. It's raining. I'm cold. I want to wear my boots but they would make me nearly half a foot taller than him. I hope you understand why that precludes me to wear flats. It matters. It matters to me. I don't enjoy feeling like a giant when meeting a guy in a potentially romantic light. But then again, maybe I'll wear the boots. My feet are cold.
I'm meeting a few more guys next week, it would seem. I want something special and I want to meet someone different. I want to be excited. i had this intense feeling a little while ago--that I don't to meet a stranger. I want to meet someone I like, someone I know I had fun with. I want to be excited.
In two weeks I'll most definitely be seeing my ex-boyfriend. For an entire work day, no almost 12 hours I will most definitely be in near proximity to my ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not physically seen since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not spoken words out loud to since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend who broke my heart, who I loved more than anyone who showed me how much I was capable of caring for someone. Needless to say, I'm anxious. I know he will be civil at the very least. Likely he will be friendly. No doubt he will be professional and helpful, as we it is a work function. But I'm anxious about my own feelings. Will this day be miserable? Will I be emotional? Will I miss him more than I have been? Or will this day free me?
I rejoined OKCupid for activity and distraction. I want to be trying. I want to be moving forward.
Sunday, September 15
Bartender
I went on a date with a bartender. Two dates, actually. He asked me out. I'm pretty sure I'm living in a slightly obnoxious romantic comedy.
See, the thing is I went on a blind date at this bar and the bartender there, well I remembered him from a night a month or so ago. He was a sky-diver and his name was Scotty. That's how I remembered his name. He was easy to talk to and sort of fun and it was cool to KNOW a bartender. I think he recognized me that night, sitting next to this awful date at the bar.
The date? He was a talker. This was a really cliched scene from my movie. Girl meets guy, girl has high hopes, guy is nuts. Every time I wanted to say something, my mouth would open and I'd make a noise--bringing the word to my lips. I would be AUDIBLE noise, mind you. The sort of noise a person makes that ques the "listener" (this guy was not one) to listen. TO LISTEN. Every time I wanted to say something, he beat me to it and already launched into a new topic. The weather. His college days. His new jobs. His lack of free time, friends, money, girlfriend. How his father got his job. God. There was no end. And sometimes I had a lot to say!
There was one great moment when I was responding to something he said about making friends. I was saying one of those things that is just supporting the other person, keep him talking. That IS what I was reduced to after about 20 minutes. I was nodding and said, "Yeah, how do you make friends? Just say hey, I you seem cool..." Date guy thought I was calling him cool. He thanked me enthusiastically. I had to go.
While I was sitting there I noticed bartender and wished my date would just leave and I could talk to him. He seemed cooler and more fun. I even thought about sneaking back in after calling it quits with date guy. But I didn't. I went to Whole Foods, my happy single place.
I went back to the bar the next day with my roommate after hitting a local festival. Bartender saw me, remembered me and talked to me. He liked me. Instantly I had a crush on bartender. I went back a few times, deciding maybe sometime I'd work up the nerve to ask to hang out.
One night, I went in alone. He wasn't working but I played it cool. I worked on my crossword puzzle and drank a beer squeezed between two strangers. Low and behold bartender showed up and flirted with me. He asked me out that night. He asked me out. HE. ASKED. ME. OUT.
It was magic. It was beautiful. I was amazed at how life happens. He asked me out and he was sweet and gentlemanly and fun and gallant.
How did it end? He was invasive with his tongue and I started comparing him to my ex-boyfriend and I stopped being excited. The third date didn't happen. You never know how it'll go, I guess.
See, the thing is I went on a blind date at this bar and the bartender there, well I remembered him from a night a month or so ago. He was a sky-diver and his name was Scotty. That's how I remembered his name. He was easy to talk to and sort of fun and it was cool to KNOW a bartender. I think he recognized me that night, sitting next to this awful date at the bar.
The date? He was a talker. This was a really cliched scene from my movie. Girl meets guy, girl has high hopes, guy is nuts. Every time I wanted to say something, my mouth would open and I'd make a noise--bringing the word to my lips. I would be AUDIBLE noise, mind you. The sort of noise a person makes that ques the "listener" (this guy was not one) to listen. TO LISTEN. Every time I wanted to say something, he beat me to it and already launched into a new topic. The weather. His college days. His new jobs. His lack of free time, friends, money, girlfriend. How his father got his job. God. There was no end. And sometimes I had a lot to say!
There was one great moment when I was responding to something he said about making friends. I was saying one of those things that is just supporting the other person, keep him talking. That IS what I was reduced to after about 20 minutes. I was nodding and said, "Yeah, how do you make friends? Just say hey, I you seem cool..." Date guy thought I was calling him cool. He thanked me enthusiastically. I had to go.
While I was sitting there I noticed bartender and wished my date would just leave and I could talk to him. He seemed cooler and more fun. I even thought about sneaking back in after calling it quits with date guy. But I didn't. I went to Whole Foods, my happy single place.
I went back to the bar the next day with my roommate after hitting a local festival. Bartender saw me, remembered me and talked to me. He liked me. Instantly I had a crush on bartender. I went back a few times, deciding maybe sometime I'd work up the nerve to ask to hang out.
One night, I went in alone. He wasn't working but I played it cool. I worked on my crossword puzzle and drank a beer squeezed between two strangers. Low and behold bartender showed up and flirted with me. He asked me out that night. He asked me out. HE. ASKED. ME. OUT.
It was magic. It was beautiful. I was amazed at how life happens. He asked me out and he was sweet and gentlemanly and fun and gallant.
How did it end? He was invasive with his tongue and I started comparing him to my ex-boyfriend and I stopped being excited. The third date didn't happen. You never know how it'll go, I guess.
Fighting or Surrenduring
Loneliness.
Fight the feelings. Get outside--the outdoors trigger some sort of hormone or science thing that makes you happy or something. Take a bike ride! Take a bike ride to that fantastic coffee shop that you haven't been to in a while. You know the one--the one with the massive chalk boards that you love ogling? The one that you always tell people you love but you don't go to enough. Get a coffee and revel in not having to do any work. Read a book--get lost. Do a crossword puzzle--challenge your mind.
Whole Foods is a happy place. Go there! Walk through the pretty aisles, gaze at the sale signs and all the bins of shiny foods. Look for a familiar face. Poke the figs. Buy them for fuck's sake! Who cares? Why not? They're on SALE! Just DO something DIFFERENT. Bike there and buy stuff and put it in your bag that you brought because you're so eco-friendly and thoughtful. Bike home. Be an adult.
Make yourself dinner. Put on a fucking movie. Make a fucking drink. That's what adults do. Eat the cookie that you bought at Whole Foods even though it probably has 1200 calories in it. Then feel guilty because you also want to eat ice cream. Ice cream covered in chocolate sauce and almonds and coconut. Then pile those dishes in the sink. There. A mess. Something to clean up. Something constructive to do. Sit on the couch and wait to start caring what happens in the movie. I hope you're wearing next to nothing, relishing the opportunity of an empty house. Admire your red toe nails and your smooth skin and you're flatter tummy (even with all that sugar and peanut butter being consumed daily).
Don't feel sorry for yourself! Feel empowered! You can do whatever you feel like. Pull out a post-it note and write down those things you want to do that you're afraid to do. They will give you confidence. Write them down. Brainstorm more! Google "bucket list for single girls" and "things to do before your 30". Shit. You've done a lot of those things. Fuck it. Go back to the movie. Maybe it's interesting now.
Go on facebook and try not to obsess over how many people are getting married this weekend. It's not a big deal. It happens when it happens and certainly not too LATE for you. God no. Do you want children? No, no, stop that. You don't have to think about that right now. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. It's ok. So much time to decide. Yeah you do, actually. You want kids. You really want kids. But thank god you don't have to deal with them yet.
Maybe it's time for bed. Before you get "hungry" enough to eat something else, like the rest of that cookie or the rest of that ice cream or more peanut butter. Shit. Peanut butter is so good. Don't bite your nails. Don't do it. Go to bed. You're tired. You had a busy day.
I miss being with someone.
Fight the feelings. Get outside--the outdoors trigger some sort of hormone or science thing that makes you happy or something. Take a bike ride! Take a bike ride to that fantastic coffee shop that you haven't been to in a while. You know the one--the one with the massive chalk boards that you love ogling? The one that you always tell people you love but you don't go to enough. Get a coffee and revel in not having to do any work. Read a book--get lost. Do a crossword puzzle--challenge your mind.
Whole Foods is a happy place. Go there! Walk through the pretty aisles, gaze at the sale signs and all the bins of shiny foods. Look for a familiar face. Poke the figs. Buy them for fuck's sake! Who cares? Why not? They're on SALE! Just DO something DIFFERENT. Bike there and buy stuff and put it in your bag that you brought because you're so eco-friendly and thoughtful. Bike home. Be an adult.
Make yourself dinner. Put on a fucking movie. Make a fucking drink. That's what adults do. Eat the cookie that you bought at Whole Foods even though it probably has 1200 calories in it. Then feel guilty because you also want to eat ice cream. Ice cream covered in chocolate sauce and almonds and coconut. Then pile those dishes in the sink. There. A mess. Something to clean up. Something constructive to do. Sit on the couch and wait to start caring what happens in the movie. I hope you're wearing next to nothing, relishing the opportunity of an empty house. Admire your red toe nails and your smooth skin and you're flatter tummy (even with all that sugar and peanut butter being consumed daily).
Don't feel sorry for yourself! Feel empowered! You can do whatever you feel like. Pull out a post-it note and write down those things you want to do that you're afraid to do. They will give you confidence. Write them down. Brainstorm more! Google "bucket list for single girls" and "things to do before your 30". Shit. You've done a lot of those things. Fuck it. Go back to the movie. Maybe it's interesting now.
Go on facebook and try not to obsess over how many people are getting married this weekend. It's not a big deal. It happens when it happens and certainly not too LATE for you. God no. Do you want children? No, no, stop that. You don't have to think about that right now. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. It's ok. So much time to decide. Yeah you do, actually. You want kids. You really want kids. But thank god you don't have to deal with them yet.
Maybe it's time for bed. Before you get "hungry" enough to eat something else, like the rest of that cookie or the rest of that ice cream or more peanut butter. Shit. Peanut butter is so good. Don't bite your nails. Don't do it. Go to bed. You're tired. You had a busy day.
I miss being with someone.
Monday, July 22
Crazy In Love
I dreamt last night. I dreamt of the man I was missing, or at least he showed up. He wasn't very attractive in this dream. He looked like someone I used to know. I felt so unrelated to him. He was even working at his computer for a while, and I had this feeling of pity? No, sadness? Loneliness for him?
I've been thinking about him some with the advent of these new men in my life. There are comparisons. I think back to how it felt falling in love with him, wondering if I could be falling in love now. I think of the things he did that I liked, so many. I was mad about him. Even now my eyes could start watering. It is bliss to be so crazy in love with someone who loves you right back.
I am adamant to feel that again with the right person.
I've been thinking about him some with the advent of these new men in my life. There are comparisons. I think back to how it felt falling in love with him, wondering if I could be falling in love now. I think of the things he did that I liked, so many. I was mad about him. Even now my eyes could start watering. It is bliss to be so crazy in love with someone who loves you right back.
I am adamant to feel that again with the right person.
Unsure
Do I like him? Do I like the way he walks? Am I ok with how he eats food? Do I like how he looks at me? Do I like our conversations together? Am I happy when he's at my door? Am I excited when he moves in to kiss me? Do I want to meet his friends? Do I miss him when he's not here? Can I see myself with him later in life? Do we have things in common? Is it fun just being with him? Does he make me happy? Am I happy that he's in my life?
I know he's better than some but is he best?
I know he's better than some but is he best?
Sunday, July 21
Five and Counting
Five dates.
Two good night kisses.
One make out session.
Here I am googling "how to tell if he's a good guy" and "dating red flags" and "when does dating become a relationship" and "how to know if he's the one". Thank the lords for google. How would I be able to entertain my ridiculous over-thinking?
I just wrote an email to a close friend outlining the pros and cons of this new fellow. Want a highlight?
He's not big on opening doors for me. I'm going to say that first because I think it's been bothering me. Granted I get so nervous around him sometimes that I rush right through doors without giving him any signals that I want him to be doing that. But really, how do you politely get a guy to open your car door for you?
He does like my cheeks (among other things). And yes, he was referring to the parts of my face sitting beside my nose that get all round when I smile. I liked that. It was delightfully honest and sweet of him to say.
I like him. I imagine I will continue to like him but really I don't have any way of knowing for sure. I like to be sure. This is fun though--whatever this is.
Saturday, July 13
Sour Date
I went on a sour date. I met with him with the utmost feeling of "Why not?" We had sent a few messages back and forth. In one he had knocked my donut place and immediately I didn't think it was going to work out. But... that obnoxious side of me trying to keep things logical said to give it a better shot. After a last minute breakfast plan didn't work out (last minute plans with online dating are difficult to maneuver), I said I'd meet him for coffee. A coffee. A very safe thing to do for a first date.
We met at Starby's in the evening. I saw him waiting as I walked up and we went inside and ordered our drinks separately. So far so good. He got a chai--which looked awkward with a huge wad of teabags floating in his big fat mug of milkiness. We chose our spot and he asked if he could read the back of the book I brought along. That was sort of weird, like let's sit quietly for the first moment of meeting while you read the back of a book that I haven't even gotten into yet? Ok, so we talked about books. It was fine.
It took 15 minutes... maybe 10 before I realized I wasn't interested. He was pleasant and we had already found common ground in a Wyoming mystery series but still, I was bored. Two ticks that he had that started to irritate me:
1) He had this short, nervous, throw-his-head-back laugh that came at the oddest of moments. Some of us have things we do to fill in awkwardness with strangers. I laugh, too. So we were both laughing but nothing was really that funny and we weren't actually full of that much merriment. His laugh was annoying to me though. I like my ringing bell of a hearty laugh, I did not like his trill and sporadic one.
2) He took all these pauses to collect his thoughts when he was speaking--head down, eyes sort of searching, body completely still. I like when people don't resort to useless words all the time--it shows a sort of confidence, or experience in speaking. However, it became hard for me to tell whether he was putting his thoughts together for the rest of a sentence or if he was out of anything to say. There was a few times where I thought belatedly, 'Oh, he's done! OK, let's think of something new to talk about' and then as I started to ask a new question, he blurted out another sentence on the previous matter. Point: we were not in sync.
So when it looked like he was done with his drink, I think I may have asked. Then asked if he was ready to go! And he agreed in a "if I have to" sort of way--and asked if I was hungry!
"Oh, nope. I ate before I came."
"Oh." Silence. Staring.
"And yeah, actually... I have to... go to the gym!" Awkward laughter on my part. I shuffled us out to the steps and stood facing out to the parking lot, looked at him and said it was nice to meet him. We'd just spent 40 minutes together and I was eager to get out of there. He asked for my number, which I told him (thinking maybe I'd give it another chance). Then he asked if I had plans for the weekend. I said no, without really thinking. Then he asked if Friday or Saturday was better. Either was fine, I guess. How did I feel about ice-skating on Friday?
Maybe it's not fair to this guy who obviously enjoyed my company that I felt assaulted with this question. He had just taken my number and wanted to form new plans for 5 days away, and it was something weird and severely date-ish too. I didn't want to go. I had trouble saying that. I started nodding my head thinking I'd acquiesce but as I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. So I started using my body language--turning away, acting anxious, shaking my head.
"I don't know, man... ice-skating? I don't think so." Silence. Staring. Waiting. Apparently a band was playing, one he hadn't heard but thought he'd like and we wouldn't even have to ice skate! He waited more and I finally said ok. He told me he'd text me and shook my hand.
I flew out of there. I couldn't wait to text my friends and say what an idiot I'd been in getting cornered by a guy I didn't want to see again. I complained to my roommate about how conniving he'd been with his asking me out so swiftly, having a plan ready, not reading my queues.
The next morning I was sure I didn't want to see him again. He texted me at 9 in the morning. Folks, that's early. I'm at work. I'm busy. I ignored it and the following morning he called and left a message. Assuming I was still interested, he gave me the details and was looking forward to talking to me again soon. I felt awful --having to choose how to tell him no. I finally texted him something brief and honest, how I felt that we weren't a match but thank you anyway.
How do you deal with a sour date? So no thank you right at the end of the date, to his face? Give him a bad number? Give him a second date? Ignore his later bouts of contact?
Dating is stressful. I had so far been lucky with 2 great first dates. I had forgotten how to deal with a bad one. I am much better about recognizing my feelings though. Sometimes you just got to go with your gut and say what you're thinking, even if it's hard.
We met at Starby's in the evening. I saw him waiting as I walked up and we went inside and ordered our drinks separately. So far so good. He got a chai--which looked awkward with a huge wad of teabags floating in his big fat mug of milkiness. We chose our spot and he asked if he could read the back of the book I brought along. That was sort of weird, like let's sit quietly for the first moment of meeting while you read the back of a book that I haven't even gotten into yet? Ok, so we talked about books. It was fine.
It took 15 minutes... maybe 10 before I realized I wasn't interested. He was pleasant and we had already found common ground in a Wyoming mystery series but still, I was bored. Two ticks that he had that started to irritate me:
1) He had this short, nervous, throw-his-head-back laugh that came at the oddest of moments. Some of us have things we do to fill in awkwardness with strangers. I laugh, too. So we were both laughing but nothing was really that funny and we weren't actually full of that much merriment. His laugh was annoying to me though. I like my ringing bell of a hearty laugh, I did not like his trill and sporadic one.
2) He took all these pauses to collect his thoughts when he was speaking--head down, eyes sort of searching, body completely still. I like when people don't resort to useless words all the time--it shows a sort of confidence, or experience in speaking. However, it became hard for me to tell whether he was putting his thoughts together for the rest of a sentence or if he was out of anything to say. There was a few times where I thought belatedly, 'Oh, he's done! OK, let's think of something new to talk about' and then as I started to ask a new question, he blurted out another sentence on the previous matter. Point: we were not in sync.
So when it looked like he was done with his drink, I think I may have asked. Then asked if he was ready to go! And he agreed in a "if I have to" sort of way--and asked if I was hungry!
"Oh, nope. I ate before I came."
"Oh." Silence. Staring.
"And yeah, actually... I have to... go to the gym!" Awkward laughter on my part. I shuffled us out to the steps and stood facing out to the parking lot, looked at him and said it was nice to meet him. We'd just spent 40 minutes together and I was eager to get out of there. He asked for my number, which I told him (thinking maybe I'd give it another chance). Then he asked if I had plans for the weekend. I said no, without really thinking. Then he asked if Friday or Saturday was better. Either was fine, I guess. How did I feel about ice-skating on Friday?
Maybe it's not fair to this guy who obviously enjoyed my company that I felt assaulted with this question. He had just taken my number and wanted to form new plans for 5 days away, and it was something weird and severely date-ish too. I didn't want to go. I had trouble saying that. I started nodding my head thinking I'd acquiesce but as I thought about it, the less I wanted to go. So I started using my body language--turning away, acting anxious, shaking my head.
"I don't know, man... ice-skating? I don't think so." Silence. Staring. Waiting. Apparently a band was playing, one he hadn't heard but thought he'd like and we wouldn't even have to ice skate! He waited more and I finally said ok. He told me he'd text me and shook my hand.
I flew out of there. I couldn't wait to text my friends and say what an idiot I'd been in getting cornered by a guy I didn't want to see again. I complained to my roommate about how conniving he'd been with his asking me out so swiftly, having a plan ready, not reading my queues.
The next morning I was sure I didn't want to see him again. He texted me at 9 in the morning. Folks, that's early. I'm at work. I'm busy. I ignored it and the following morning he called and left a message. Assuming I was still interested, he gave me the details and was looking forward to talking to me again soon. I felt awful --having to choose how to tell him no. I finally texted him something brief and honest, how I felt that we weren't a match but thank you anyway.
How do you deal with a sour date? So no thank you right at the end of the date, to his face? Give him a bad number? Give him a second date? Ignore his later bouts of contact?
Dating is stressful. I had so far been lucky with 2 great first dates. I had forgotten how to deal with a bad one. I am much better about recognizing my feelings though. Sometimes you just got to go with your gut and say what you're thinking, even if it's hard.
Sunday, June 23
Not There Yet
I haven't moved past it yet. I have found happiness in my own life, being single. Yet, I miss him. I do. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. How is that possible? How can I be happy when I also wish we could be together?
I can't be over him if I still wish we were together. I don't understand how this works. He wasn't the right one for me. OK. Right? We broke up and there's a reason we broke up. God damn, do I wish we hadn't. I loved him so much. And maybe it was loving him that made me feel so happy. Maybe that would've ended. Something better will come to me, yes. I am happy in my life. So happy. I was walking with my dog last night, just goofily smiling and feeling love shining through me and from me and around me.
What the fuck is going on?
How am I happy and at the same time feel so sad glancing at a picture of him? I want to talk to him but I shouldn't. Why did he leave me and why do I miss him and will I be over this and why do I wish I could be with him again and why do I wonder if he misses me still? Does he feel the same way? Did he stop thinking about me? Does he ever want me back? Did he love me like I loved him? Will I always love him or will this fade one day? Will I love someone else the way I loved him?
I have control now. I didn't have that when I was head over heels for him. I'm glowing in a different way now. Life is good. And I miss him. Love is an incredibly powerful thing. He made me better person, or at least loving him has.
You have changed me, Peter.
I can't be over him if I still wish we were together. I don't understand how this works. He wasn't the right one for me. OK. Right? We broke up and there's a reason we broke up. God damn, do I wish we hadn't. I loved him so much. And maybe it was loving him that made me feel so happy. Maybe that would've ended. Something better will come to me, yes. I am happy in my life. So happy. I was walking with my dog last night, just goofily smiling and feeling love shining through me and from me and around me.
What the fuck is going on?
How am I happy and at the same time feel so sad glancing at a picture of him? I want to talk to him but I shouldn't. Why did he leave me and why do I miss him and will I be over this and why do I wish I could be with him again and why do I wonder if he misses me still? Does he feel the same way? Did he stop thinking about me? Does he ever want me back? Did he love me like I loved him? Will I always love him or will this fade one day? Will I love someone else the way I loved him?
I have control now. I didn't have that when I was head over heels for him. I'm glowing in a different way now. Life is good. And I miss him. Love is an incredibly powerful thing. He made me better person, or at least loving him has.
You have changed me, Peter.
Friday, June 21
Another One Down
Um, I don't think I care if I see Bad-Kiss-Date again. If I do, great! If I don't, ... great!
Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe something's missing. Maybe all these 180s are making me tired. Maybe I can't get that face assault out of my head. Maybe I'm embarrassed. Maybe I like being single. Maybe I wanted him to be the one badly enough that ... it didn't ... work? Maybe it seemed logical to like him but I didn't realize how I was feeling. Maybe I'm talking myself out of it because I don't think he's going to call me again.
One guy closer to the right one?
Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe something's missing. Maybe all these 180s are making me tired. Maybe I can't get that face assault out of my head. Maybe I'm embarrassed. Maybe I like being single. Maybe I wanted him to be the one badly enough that ... it didn't ... work? Maybe it seemed logical to like him but I didn't realize how I was feeling. Maybe I'm talking myself out of it because I don't think he's going to call me again.
One guy closer to the right one?
Wednesday, June 19
Don't Get Me Wrong
I do still miss him.
I miss being with someone I loved so much. I miss being happy just seeing someone's face or hearing someone's name. Being in love is really nice.
I miss being with someone I loved so much. I miss being happy just seeing someone's face or hearing someone's name. Being in love is really nice.
Because My Love Life Is That Ridiculous
Here I was thinking this guy could NOT kiss me. That he was so nervous he fumbled it up or that he'd never figured out how to do it right or that when he liked a girl he got so horny and eager that he turned into a 14 year old boy: all hands and tongue. The image of his head careening towards my face as I turned away from the door haunted me Saturday night. I couldn't sleep. I pictured him bounding away goofily, yelling to me how he'd take me out again soon. Oh god, and he made this little weird moaning sound in the middle of the whole thing. And at the end he hugged me, then squeezed me then picked me up!
I was anxious all yesterday imagining the scenarios of his picking me up for dinner last night. Would he come up to the door and immediately move in for another life resuscitation? Would I awkwardly put my hand between our faces and too quickly yell, No! Would we sit painfully through a dinner as I came to the sad conclusion that I was in fact not attracted to him? I could just taste the guilt as I ended up having to explain to him that I couldn't date someone I had such bad mouth chemistry with. How to tell a guy that I hated his kissing? That I was totally turned-off by just that? Oh, the planning in my head all day Sunday and Monday. I wanted to ready myself. And I just couldn't picture the positive: that maybe he would immediately say sorry for how awkward it was and that he wouldn't kiss me like that again. That he had invaded my space and felt like an idiot and wished only that I'd allow him another opportunity to show what he could do.
Well, shit. I brought it up at the very end of the date, after he gallantly paid the check. Do you want to know what he had to say?
He thought I was the kiss botcher. He had been going in for a sweet and simple little goodnight peck on the mouth and was astounded when I tried twisting it into a weird teeth-nashing french. That's why he moaned--in surprise. That's probably while he pulled his face away and squeezed me--just to keep my mouth away from his. We agreed it was horrible, terrible, awful, never to be repeated in the history of kissing. We laughed and I twisted uncomfortably in my seat out of embarrassment, happily mind you. We both felt leagues better getting the whole thing out in the open. As he said, it hung over us the whole date. And he had the same exact thoughts as me except where I was ready to throw in the towel he was not.
"You still liked me after that awful kiss?"
"I thought it was something we could work on."
I was anxious all yesterday imagining the scenarios of his picking me up for dinner last night. Would he come up to the door and immediately move in for another life resuscitation? Would I awkwardly put my hand between our faces and too quickly yell, No! Would we sit painfully through a dinner as I came to the sad conclusion that I was in fact not attracted to him? I could just taste the guilt as I ended up having to explain to him that I couldn't date someone I had such bad mouth chemistry with. How to tell a guy that I hated his kissing? That I was totally turned-off by just that? Oh, the planning in my head all day Sunday and Monday. I wanted to ready myself. And I just couldn't picture the positive: that maybe he would immediately say sorry for how awkward it was and that he wouldn't kiss me like that again. That he had invaded my space and felt like an idiot and wished only that I'd allow him another opportunity to show what he could do.
Well, shit. I brought it up at the very end of the date, after he gallantly paid the check. Do you want to know what he had to say?
He thought I was the kiss botcher. He had been going in for a sweet and simple little goodnight peck on the mouth and was astounded when I tried twisting it into a weird teeth-nashing french. That's why he moaned--in surprise. That's probably while he pulled his face away and squeezed me--just to keep my mouth away from his. We agreed it was horrible, terrible, awful, never to be repeated in the history of kissing. We laughed and I twisted uncomfortably in my seat out of embarrassment, happily mind you. We both felt leagues better getting the whole thing out in the open. As he said, it hung over us the whole date. And he had the same exact thoughts as me except where I was ready to throw in the towel he was not.
"You still liked me after that awful kiss?"
"I thought it was something we could work on."
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