I think I went on my last online dating date.
Yes. I did. Even if I've said I was done before, this one was it.
This guy wasn't mean. He didn't stand me up. He wasn't like bizarrely old or bring his mom. He was pretty nice. And before I describe how much of a total nerd he was, I want to be clear how much I enjoy interesting people. I like it when people aren't boring, aren't trying to be something they're not. It will be clear how much I appreciate hygiene though. And that I do value physical appearance. At least some physical attraction is crucial to blind dates.
This guy didn't look like what I thought. From his pictures and the chatting we did, he seemed athletic and vibrant. In reality, he was doughy and sallow. OK. Not a deal breaker.
This guy greased his hair. It wasn't water. It didn't dry. He had lubed his hair forward. Not my thing. OK. Keep going.
His chest was concave. Like a spoon. Like if he laid on his back, I could put a huge lump of sugar on his chest. How does that happen? I don't know. The rest of him was soft and squishy--like a plumped up sponge. So porous. He must have been sweating all over--oozing. But his chest. He was wearing a nice shirt but it gapped in the middle. I could see inside his shirt to his soft, squishy, spongy skin. I'm getting mean, I know.
He had bad teeth. I like nice teeth. I could see his retainer behind his lower set of incisors. His cheeks were puffy. I'm sure it was all the extra teeth in his mouth trying to get out... through is cheeks. I could hear all the saliva in there moving around and his tongue clacking against the metal.
Pink spots on his cheeks. Pink acne spots on his squishy chipmunk cheeks.
Coke bottle glasses.
His fingers were moving the whole time. I was drawn to them, looking at his fidgeting fingers on the tabletop. He had a tiny piece of paper that he kept twisting around and tearing. Those pudgy fingers were so chewed up. Bad.
The worst part? The worst part of all. This guy obviously has to shave sometimes because I could see the area above and below his mouth were speckled. He had shaved recently, at least this one area of his face. The worst part? Three hairs. One. Two. Three. Hairs. On the side of jaw sprouting out. Three dark hairs poking out of his face.
We talked for an hour. He giggled and guffawed and chided me. I lamely planned out different escape procedures. And then I listened and tried to make the best of it. Then I stared at his hairs and his fingers and the people around me and I wondered, What am I doing here? Why am I doing this?
I left with a 'Take care' and a wave. I got home and deleted my account with a flourish for my own sake. I like to be dramatic.
Oh wait, the really worst part? We drive the same car. God, I hope that wasn't some sort of message.
Monday, May 26
Saturday, April 19
Dear One Year
Dear One Year,
It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.
A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.
A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.
I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.
The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.
It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.
I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.
You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.
Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.
So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.
Fuck you for breaking my heart.
It's been a while now. I can't tell if I miss you or I'm just afraid that I still miss you. Because I don't want to miss you. I want to not care. That's a hard feeling, isn't it? To want to not care, but thinking maybe you still care.
A year ago you dumped me. You had been doing lousy, I know. Life had gotten really hard--just worse and worse and you hated your job and your teeth and you just wanted to sleep all the time. I was making it harder for you too. I was making it harder because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help you. My way of helping of asking you how I could help. I suggested we take a trip together to get away from it all again. I suggested you see someone about it.
A year ago we talked on the phone. I called you and left a message because it had been awhile since we talked and a week or two since I'd seen you. You wanted to be alone more. You called me back. I had been sick that day and watched a lot of Walking Dead. I was congested and had kind of picked up the southern accent of one of the characters. I was talking to you on the phone and you were sad. I hated how sad you were. I don't know if it was that night or a later night or an earlier night when I started to fear that you would kill yourself. You said during the phone conversation that you were afraid you would lose me. You were afraid that you were going to push me away with all of this. And then you later you said that you weren't capable of loving someone right now. That's when I realized that you were breaking up with me.
I don't know if you planned it. Maybe you had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while. Maybe you had called me with the idea. Maybe you were sure you'd do it. Maybe it came out and then you realized it was true.
The following nights I would text you, to see if you were still alive. I didn't sleep much. I thought maybe we weren't really broken up. But we were. And then I decided I had to stop texting you. I had to stop thinking we were going to get back together.
It's been a year and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm not over you. I never told you how shitty that was. I was so busy worrying about you that I never let myself think how fucked up it was of you to dump me the way that you did. Of course I remember all of the kind things you did for me and I can't imagine how a nice guy like you who if you loved me the way you say that you did, the way I believed you did when we were together could drop me during a phone call.
I've seen you three times since last April--when we were together. Three times because of work. Three times I was nervous and anxious and worried how I would feel. The first time was good. The second time was terrible. The third time was fine. The first time I saw you laughing and I missed that part of you. The second time I saw you sad and I was angry that I wasn't there to help you anymore. The third time I tried to ignore you.
You were passive. Everything, all of it, you with me, the whole time. You let me go because that was easier. And you trying to make the rest of your life better, good for you. But you know how it has felt for me? The last year, it has felt like I wasn't enough for you. Something I did or didn't do caused you to dump me. Something about the way I am wasn't right for you.
Or you just didn't love me as much as I loved you.
So what do I need to do to make sure I'm moving on? I don't think anything you say will help me. Maybe I just need to say something to you. Maybe I need to just get all of this out that I've been holding in me because I didn't want to hurt you or make things harder for you. Maybe I need to explain to you how I've felt, how your actions affected me. Maybe I just need to say something mean.
Fuck you for breaking my heart.
Friday, February 21
You Don't Get What You're Searching For
I went on a date last night. It was good. I was nervous up until the moment we exchanged hello. We drank water from giant mason jars, exchanged stories and shared similarities that I found surprising (and hoped were good signs). He was clean. Clean! I like clean. We spent over two hours talking at the bar (I lost my voice from talking so loud--cool, right). Today, I'm anxious and bored.
Every time I meet someone, I hope he's it. Maybe that's my problem.
Every time I meet someone, I hope he's it. Maybe that's my problem.
Saturday, January 11
A New Year
I have conquered bad habits.
I have paid off a debt.
I have made decisions.
I have struggled to move forward.
Last year was difficult.
Last year was a test of my strength.
This year will be my reward.
I have paid off a debt.
I have made decisions.
I have struggled to move forward.
Last year was difficult.
Last year was a test of my strength.
This year will be my reward.
Prince Charming
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew. Every time I see her, she mentions him. Sometimes she tells me something new about him. Sometimes she just says the same thing--how she is still trying. Every Christmas she has an open house and invites all her neighbors and family and coworkers. I stopped by for lunch. Very quickly. Her nephew was going to be there but he wasn't. I wasn't too disappointed actually. She was though.
The next time I saw her she told me that she brought in a photo of him. It was was from three years ago. Does he look the same? She says that his jaw is a little stronger, he has a few lines around his eyes from being out in the sun, and he's had so much free time recently that he's been working out more. When I saw the picture of him, it was too good to be true. Like Prince Charming in a Disney movie.
Before, I was skeptical if I would ever end up meeting him. Now I'm sure it won't happen. I can not even imagine a guy that good looking wanting me.
The next time I saw her she told me that she brought in a photo of him. It was was from three years ago. Does he look the same? She says that his jaw is a little stronger, he has a few lines around his eyes from being out in the sun, and he's had so much free time recently that he's been working out more. When I saw the picture of him, it was too good to be true. Like Prince Charming in a Disney movie.
Before, I was skeptical if I would ever end up meeting him. Now I'm sure it won't happen. I can not even imagine a guy that good looking wanting me.
Falling In Love All The Time
I fell in love a little bit with a fellow who needed some help using a copier. He looked me right in the eyes and he had the biggest grin on his face. That's all it took.
Sunday, December 8
Just Like All The Others
I went on another date.
It was fine. He was fine. He was nice enough, pleasant enough, talkative, guyish, normal looking, smart enough, interesting enough, employed, happy, honest. It was fine and it was like all the other dates.
I wasn't enthralled and I wasn't excited and after about 15 minutes I was keeping track of my beer and counting down to the time we would go. When I met him, I was looking downwards. He told a few stories that only ended after I cut him off. Maybe I'm impatient and wait, maybe my standards are too high. Should I not be looking for a guy who's taller than me? Who's rugged with nice skin who can make me laugh?
This guy told me later that he felt surprisingly comfortable around me. I think I have that effect on people or at least I've heard it before. I like that. I like that I make people feel comfortable. And I liked that he didn't try to kiss me or assume that we would hug or that he asked me out immediately at the end of our date.
Online dating creates an environment where I feel pressured to feel an attraction, analyze my feelings. Don't the best relationships come out of nowhere? When you're distracted by someone else or with someone you never thought you'd want?
Yet shouldn't there be something there? He was shorter than me and why do I always feel guilty for not liking these guys? Because if I don't like any of them, I'm choosing to be single.
I'm taking another break from this stuff. Maybe for good. As a friend put it, online dating is a stream of superficial attention followed by a series of letdowns. I'm not built for this style of dating. Or for going on so many dates that go nowhere.
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew anyway. I'll just use that as my current distraction.
It was fine. He was fine. He was nice enough, pleasant enough, talkative, guyish, normal looking, smart enough, interesting enough, employed, happy, honest. It was fine and it was like all the other dates.
I wasn't enthralled and I wasn't excited and after about 15 minutes I was keeping track of my beer and counting down to the time we would go. When I met him, I was looking downwards. He told a few stories that only ended after I cut him off. Maybe I'm impatient and wait, maybe my standards are too high. Should I not be looking for a guy who's taller than me? Who's rugged with nice skin who can make me laugh?
This guy told me later that he felt surprisingly comfortable around me. I think I have that effect on people or at least I've heard it before. I like that. I like that I make people feel comfortable. And I liked that he didn't try to kiss me or assume that we would hug or that he asked me out immediately at the end of our date.
Online dating creates an environment where I feel pressured to feel an attraction, analyze my feelings. Don't the best relationships come out of nowhere? When you're distracted by someone else or with someone you never thought you'd want?
Yet shouldn't there be something there? He was shorter than me and why do I always feel guilty for not liking these guys? Because if I don't like any of them, I'm choosing to be single.
I'm taking another break from this stuff. Maybe for good. As a friend put it, online dating is a stream of superficial attention followed by a series of letdowns. I'm not built for this style of dating. Or for going on so many dates that go nowhere.
A coworker wants to set me up with her nephew anyway. I'll just use that as my current distraction.
Wednesday, November 6
Bad Days And Good Days
Yesterday was a bad day.
I saw my ex a few days ago at a work function--a 12 hour long work function. The day went very well compared to how I feared it would go. But I think seeing my ex again was a shock to my system. We were awkward. We were professional. We were weird.
He bought me lunch which felt really nice and maybe did me in a little. I talked to his mom a few times and that made me miss him a little more. And I saw him looking happy and excited which really made me nostalgic.
I cried yesterday on my drive to work. The car is the best place to cry, really. Ideally crying in the car should be done when it's dark out. Sometimes though those tears start coming and it's 8am. I let it happen. And one of the things about crying is that just doing it is sad. I don't want to be crying about being lonely AGAIN. When will I stop crying about how things ended up with my ex-boyfriend? When will I not miss him enough to cry about it? The thought that ran through my head was, "I don't want to live my life day to day wondering if I still miss him. I don't want to be alone and sad." Am I doing something wrong? Am I grieving in the wrong way? Am I holding on to something instead of letting it go? Is this normal? Am I ok? Will I be over this soon? How long before I'm really happy again?
But on bad days it's easy to forget that there are good days. And it seems like the day after a bad day is a good day. The next day is always better. Today is better. I've eaten two donuts.
I saw my ex a few days ago at a work function--a 12 hour long work function. The day went very well compared to how I feared it would go. But I think seeing my ex again was a shock to my system. We were awkward. We were professional. We were weird.
He bought me lunch which felt really nice and maybe did me in a little. I talked to his mom a few times and that made me miss him a little more. And I saw him looking happy and excited which really made me nostalgic.
I cried yesterday on my drive to work. The car is the best place to cry, really. Ideally crying in the car should be done when it's dark out. Sometimes though those tears start coming and it's 8am. I let it happen. And one of the things about crying is that just doing it is sad. I don't want to be crying about being lonely AGAIN. When will I stop crying about how things ended up with my ex-boyfriend? When will I not miss him enough to cry about it? The thought that ran through my head was, "I don't want to live my life day to day wondering if I still miss him. I don't want to be alone and sad." Am I doing something wrong? Am I grieving in the wrong way? Am I holding on to something instead of letting it go? Is this normal? Am I ok? Will I be over this soon? How long before I'm really happy again?
But on bad days it's easy to forget that there are good days. And it seems like the day after a bad day is a good day. The next day is always better. Today is better. I've eaten two donuts.
Sunday, October 20
More Dating
I met a guy today. An arranged guy meeting thing. He was cool. He had nice hair and a nice short beard and he rode a bike and likes coffee and likes the movie Aliens and knows how to bake bread. He was good at eye contact and smiling and I still felt awkward talking to him. I don't know why. He didn't ask for my number which I didn't realize I was waiting for until I went in to hug him. We hugged. It was fine. I felt awkward. I left.
What am I doing?
What am I doing?
Dating
I'm back in the pool. Back on OKcupid. Back to that task of meeting new people, unsure how I will feel about them.
I met a guy yesterday. It was fine. I am ever impressed by men who ask questions. Why? I've met plenty of guys who do that. Maybe it's a sign that these guys have been dating a while. They're used to these getting-to-know-you conversations, just like I am. I'll probably see him again. Meh.
I'm meeting a guy today. He's shorter than me. It's raining. I'm cold. I want to wear my boots but they would make me nearly half a foot taller than him. I hope you understand why that precludes me to wear flats. It matters. It matters to me. I don't enjoy feeling like a giant when meeting a guy in a potentially romantic light. But then again, maybe I'll wear the boots. My feet are cold.
I'm meeting a few more guys next week, it would seem. I want something special and I want to meet someone different. I want to be excited. i had this intense feeling a little while ago--that I don't to meet a stranger. I want to meet someone I like, someone I know I had fun with. I want to be excited.
In two weeks I'll most definitely be seeing my ex-boyfriend. For an entire work day, no almost 12 hours I will most definitely be in near proximity to my ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not physically seen since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not spoken words out loud to since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend who broke my heart, who I loved more than anyone who showed me how much I was capable of caring for someone. Needless to say, I'm anxious. I know he will be civil at the very least. Likely he will be friendly. No doubt he will be professional and helpful, as we it is a work function. But I'm anxious about my own feelings. Will this day be miserable? Will I be emotional? Will I miss him more than I have been? Or will this day free me?
I rejoined OKCupid for activity and distraction. I want to be trying. I want to be moving forward.
I met a guy yesterday. It was fine. I am ever impressed by men who ask questions. Why? I've met plenty of guys who do that. Maybe it's a sign that these guys have been dating a while. They're used to these getting-to-know-you conversations, just like I am. I'll probably see him again. Meh.
I'm meeting a guy today. He's shorter than me. It's raining. I'm cold. I want to wear my boots but they would make me nearly half a foot taller than him. I hope you understand why that precludes me to wear flats. It matters. It matters to me. I don't enjoy feeling like a giant when meeting a guy in a potentially romantic light. But then again, maybe I'll wear the boots. My feet are cold.
I'm meeting a few more guys next week, it would seem. I want something special and I want to meet someone different. I want to be excited. i had this intense feeling a little while ago--that I don't to meet a stranger. I want to meet someone I like, someone I know I had fun with. I want to be excited.
In two weeks I'll most definitely be seeing my ex-boyfriend. For an entire work day, no almost 12 hours I will most definitely be in near proximity to my ex-boyfriend. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not physically seen since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend whom I have not spoken words out loud to since the beginning of April. This ex-boyfriend who broke my heart, who I loved more than anyone who showed me how much I was capable of caring for someone. Needless to say, I'm anxious. I know he will be civil at the very least. Likely he will be friendly. No doubt he will be professional and helpful, as we it is a work function. But I'm anxious about my own feelings. Will this day be miserable? Will I be emotional? Will I miss him more than I have been? Or will this day free me?
I rejoined OKCupid for activity and distraction. I want to be trying. I want to be moving forward.
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