Now I Remember

Online dating makes me feel undesirable.

It's all coming back to me. I'll message guys I think are like me and not out of my league and I don't hear back from them. I get messages from only unappealing dudes or no messages at all. I'll look through my profile and think, hey she's cute and fun and stuff. Why am I not getting bombarded with simple Hello's and date requests?

Online dating makes me feel like a grade B. Does this happen to other people? I'm hot. I'm smart. I'm fun. I have my life together. I am a grade A. Grade A +! Bah!

So Good

I am doing SO good. I am!

I talked about him for a few minutes with my friend. I was trying to talk about my roommate actually. Then I realized I was upset at my roommate because I was feeling lonely and trying to figure out how to fill in all that newfound single-time. I miss him. And he was fun and funny. And somehow realizing and saying those things out loud, I started tearing up.

But really, I'm doing so good. I reactivated my OKCupid account. Believe it. Whatever. Why not?

Crying To

Driving in my car, playing the bridge over and over so that my tears won't stop.

I'm okay.

Learning to forgive is the key to moving on. I don't want to make the same mistakes in love. I want to be open to new love. I want to be in a committed and positive romantic relationship. The first step in forgiveness is detachment. I am detaching.

There is anger left in me but anger isn't a productive emotion. I need to release my anger. Writing it in a letter helps.

I don't want to say fuck you to you. I want you to be happy and healthy like I want to be happy and healthy. I want to move forward. I will be with someone--the right someone. It's okay.

I watched some HSN with my roommate and cousin and I laughed. Life is good.

Mad

I am so mad at you. I am so hurt by you. I feel ignored and not good enough. I wasn't good enough to keep around. You didn't think I was good enough. You left me behind. Was there another reason why you broke up with me? Did we not get along? Did I hamper you or shutter you or squeeze you in? Did I ask too much? Well, you never told me about any of that stuff so if it is true you should have said it. It must not be true. You left me because you were depressed and you couldn't handle it with me around. Do you know how much that hurts? That was exactly the thing I was afraid this whole time would happy--you would suddenly decide we shouldn't be together. That's what you suddenly decided. That's what you told me over the phone. A phone call that started off so normal. A phone call that turned into a break up. You hope that I'm doing well? Really? REALLY! Well, I am. I am doing well but not because of you. You left me, remember? You said it'd be easier without me and now we don't talk. A year of talking and now we don't talk. And you hope that I'm well? Fuck you. FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

Weakest At Night

I miss snuggling and sex.

I want to be falling asleep in his arms again on the couch and blink my eyes open long enough for him to say, "awwww you're so tired!" and have it be bedtime. I want to take off my clothes and wait for him in bed. Wait for him to lie down before pressing up next to him, lifting his arm around my back, tugging the edge of my shirt up so his hand is on my skin, my feet tangled in his feet, my hand on his head or his chest or his side or his hip or his stomach or it doesn't even matter but on him.

I want to be cold so that he makes me warm. I want to fall asleep so that I can wake up by him. I want to hear his sleeping breaths. 

I really want him to look right into me with our faces so close, my hand on his cheek or his chest. I want to hear him speaking only to me, as if I was the only thing that mattered.

Night time is the hardest time.

What Happened?

So many good days in a row. So much happy through, beneath, behind, in front of the sadness.  And I started crying on my way to the grocery store. Sad songs do that. Sad songs with words about losing someone and missing someone and being angry with someone for leaving can make me feel sad. Can make me cry.

I took myself to dinner last night. Got myself a glass of wine. I went on a date except I didn't need a date to do it. I can do the nice things that I used to do with someone, except without someone. I probably ate too much food and bit my nails later in front of the TV and I went to bed feeling a little sad but the rest of it was nice.

I love my town. I found another street market today. I didn't buy anything--I have trouble buying impulsively. My ex-boyfriend knew that. He knew about my difficulty making decisions. He never was bothered by it. He used to say he would wait for me. He used to say he would always come back.

I was talking about him with my coworker yesterday. Yesterday was boring so I got sad. I get sad when I don't have things to be doing. She asked if I stored tampons at his place. Did I have a section for my stuff? No. He kept things at his place for me--food things. He bought extra pillows for his bed for me. He bought a blanket because of me. But no, I didn't keep things there. Do you think he wasn't ready to share his life with me? Maybe, she said.

I was thinking yesterday (when I was sad) about the time I was waiting in the airport. I was waiting by baggage claim after I had flown in from Connecticut. I was waiting for him to find me. He came to pick me up. I didn't ask him to pick me up, he offered. It was nice. He was a nice person. He found me. He saw me standing there and he smiled and he came right up to me and took me into his arms. I remember my arms around him and his arms around me. I remember feeling so loved, so missed. I remember feeling so happy that I had someone who felt that way about me. I remember feeling so happy to see him again. I remember not ever wanting to let go.

He didn't always hug me like that. Actually, he didn't hug me like that very often. One time I came over to his place and we were going to go have dinner with his friend. He was so happy to see me. I started making a salad to take with us and he just looked so happy because I was there. I think he said something like, I don't even really want to leave now, I'm so happy you're here.

And I remember that time in my car when he said he never thought he would feel as strongly for someone again--what he felt for his last girlfriend--until me. What happened? Why did it have to happen? Why did I have to love him so much and then lose him? Why do I have to love him still? Why can't he still love me, too?

And then I wonder if he knew how much I loved him. Did he know? Was I too giving? Did I suffocate him? Did I push him away? Was there something I could've done? No. No. No.

How long will it take me to accept this? How long will it take me to be in love again? How long before my heart feels whole again?

Maybe

So I imagine what I would do if I saw you again right now.

Sometimes I would ignore you and leave as soon as possible.

Sometimes I would hug you, tight but nice.

Sometimes I would say Fuck You.

Next Step

How will I learn to forgive him?

I think I still get angry at him. Or hurt. Maybe I'm still hurt that he left me. He let me down. When will I stop feeling that way?

I bargained. I was in denial. I was angry. I was depressed. Do those steps actually go in order? Or do they just jumble up inside me and sink there waiting to resurface?

I've had a string of really great days. I've been happy, really and truly happy. But I still miss him and I'm still upset that we don't see each other at all now. I loved him. I loved being around him. And I miss his hands and his face and his stupid shaved head. I want to be ok with all of this. I want to be ok.

When will I be ok?

Having Fun Is The Key To Getting Hit On

I was in quasi-costume at a friend's birthday bar crawl last Friday. I was wearing bright colors, knee-high socks, a huge furry winter hat and a little happy birthday tiara on the tippy top. I got hit on... so... much.

I think guys hit on me because I was doing and wearing whatever the fuck I wanted and I was having a fucking great time. I was gorgeous and adorable and laughing and stuck out like a sore thumb and the stupid hat and the stupid birthday tiara made it SO easy for a guy to say a little something just for me.

Somehow I'm going to make it easier for guys to talk to me even when I'm not dressed like a 4 year old.